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Original poster

How can I resolve this issue about the condom

437 replies

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 02:18

How can I resolve this issue about the condom?

Silly situation where the only thing I been looking for is honesty.

23 years ago, I started dating my now wife, we love each other in a big way, at that moment one day by mistake I ended up snooping into drawers, looking for a pen and I found a box of condoms where one of them was missing, then I found a Diary where she wrote this. “Neither one of us had a condom so we need to wait” , we been thru therapist on and off for 23 years where she's trying to make me understand that she never used that condom with that guy, she wrote as a fantasies that people write in diaries, as a men I truly don't understand how a person write things that are not true, Is that true that women write fantasies in diaries? she's been suffering so much because this, me on top of her on this issue asking for honesty, and always the same story of her saying that she grabbed the condom and fill it with water by curiosity. It’s been 23 years and she can't take it anymore, she's tired and after lots of tears and pain , we are again in therapy, she's still fighting for me insisting that she's not lying, I need to stop on this but all I’m looking is honesty, she's the most honest person I know and I know I’m about to loose her. Please serious comments on this issue.

OP posts:
Dervel · 12/09/2022 20:52

Fuck a duck this is getting pathological! You want truth here it is: You have a profoundly anxious attachment style. This whole thing you have blown WAY WAY out of proportion, so that tells me the root of this most likely lies in past relationships prior to your wife or possibly even childhood trauma of some kind.

It sounds very much like you have stable periods, but then something triggers you and you slide into this, which leads you to emotionally abuse your wife. When who you are actually wishing to punish is long gone or inaccessible to you in some way.

Your obsession isn’t really with “truth” or “honesty” it’s with a sense of injustice you feel at something you are shit scared of facing. The truth is at least regarding your wife is her response can never satisfy you because it’s not really her you need closure from.

Pixiedust1234 · 12/09/2022 21:45

CK0513 · 12/09/2022 16:55

thanks for your help! I hope you are not a therapist

Show quote history

You're welcome and yes I am. I'm also male. Im also near retirement so have been a therapist for a ery long time. I know what i am talking about as i have seen many like you. You are not that special. Your wife is telling the truth. She is being honest with you.

However it sounds as if you are not being honest and truthful when talking to your multiple therapists or even to yourself. Time for you to be honest.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 22:27

Pixiedust1234 · 12/09/2022 21:45

You're welcome and yes I am. I'm also male. Im also near retirement so have been a therapist for a ery long time. I know what i am talking about as i have seen many like you. You are not that special. Your wife is telling the truth. She is being honest with you.

However it sounds as if you are not being honest and truthful when talking to your multiple therapists or even to yourself. Time for you to be honest.

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what makes you think she's telling me the truth??

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 22:33

CK0513 · 12/09/2022 22:27

what makes you think she's telling me the truth??

Show quote history

All the female therapist saying she's telling me truth, but I was in need of the male honest point of view I know I'm obsessed looking for something.
I appreciate your help.

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 22:34

CK0513 · 12/09/2022 22:27

what makes you think she's telling me the truth??

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I'm not sure what I need to tell the therapist about me, can you please tell me?

OP posts:
pointythings · 12/09/2022 22:35

what makes you think she's telling me the truth??

Simple. She has no reason to lie. It was before you were a couple, so it makes no difference. Therefore no reason to lie. Lying and keeping up a lie is far, far harder than telling the truth.

pointythings · 12/09/2022 22:36

I love the way you'll trust a male therapist but not a female one. Not misogynist at all, that.

Completelyovernonsense · 12/09/2022 22:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 22:45

So all the bullshit about understanding that this is a you problem, that it's up to you to work on this, that you know you've been abusing her etc was just that... bullshit?

All the female therapist saying she's telling me truth, but I was in need of the male honest point of view

The raving misogyny of you coming to a seeking out a predominantly female site, asking for women's opinions, reading hundreds of posts from women, calling one a 'freak' for pointing out your hypocrisy in not liking being called a liar, demanding women answer yes or no and nothing else, refusing to engage meaningfully with them... then finally admitting that yes, you were looking for an opinion from someone with a penis after all.

Whether your next therapist is male or female I hope they can block out some big chunks of time for you because there's A LOT to unravel.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 22:46

pointythings · 12/09/2022 22:36

I love the way you'll trust a male therapist but not a female one. Not misogynist at all, that.

You went the wrong direction on this. I knew that someone will say something like this. My point is that I have only seen female therapist, this is not a sexism situation. Yes I agree is hard to keep up with some lies for so many years specially if someone like me look what I say and agree torturing your wife asking for the truth. I'm not a saint on this did you read the part that say torturing??? no I'm not happy to say it. I love my family!!!

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 22:48

Imagine admitting that you've been "torturing" your wife for 23 years then saying "I love my family!!!" as if it excuses of a single day of that torture.

You're a deeply concerning individual.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 22:57

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 22:48

Imagine admitting that you've been "torturing" your wife for 23 years then saying "I love my family!!!" as if it excuses of a single day of that torture.

You're a deeply concerning individual.

Yes , its sounds bad but is the reality. I love my family and that's why I want, to put an end to all this in my mind, that's why I'm with a therapist, that's why I'm looking for medication to treat the anxiety

OP posts:
TattoedLady · 12/09/2022 23:02

CK0513 · 12/09/2022 22:34

I'm not sure what I need to tell the therapist about me, can you please tell me?

Show quote history

You need to tell the therapist that you have been abusive to your wife for 23 years, demanding a "truth" about a condom that does not exist.

You need to tell your therapist that your wife has been telling her truth for 23 years but because you are deeply, deeply, unstable in your thought processes you refuse to believe her.

You need to tell your therapist that you are delusional and that you believe it is your wife's responsibility to fix you.

You need to tell your therapist that your wife wants to divorce you but you refuse to believe that she can do this, because after 23 years you are still trying to control the narrative.

You also probably need to tell your therapist that you don't believe any of this.

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 23:10

If you actually want a therapist to have the information to treat you effectively, print off this thread. Even if just your posts. They'll understand the level of obsession and relentless emotional abuse, decades long, that they're dealing with.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 23:32

TattoedLady · 12/09/2022 23:02

You need to tell the therapist that you have been abusive to your wife for 23 years, demanding a "truth" about a condom that does not exist.

You need to tell your therapist that your wife has been telling her truth for 23 years but because you are deeply, deeply, unstable in your thought processes you refuse to believe her.

You need to tell your therapist that you are delusional and that you believe it is your wife's responsibility to fix you.

You need to tell your therapist that your wife wants to divorce you but you refuse to believe that she can do this, because after 23 years you are still trying to control the narrative.

You also probably need to tell your therapist that you don't believe any of this.

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That's why I'm there, all the reason you just said

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 12/09/2022 23:39

that she say she filled it with water as curiosity. That's the problem I have for 23 years. For not believe in that story

Why did you stay in the relationship and marry her if you didn't believe her water/curiosity story?

You found the condom and the diary before you got married, is that right?

LemonDrop22 · 12/09/2022 23:52

As to whether she lied (and continued lying), personally I couldn't say.

Filling a condom with water is a bit of a weird thing to do, however people do weird things esp.inexperienced people . Maybe she wanted to see if they truly were strong/wouldn't break if she ended up using one and relying on it. Who knows.

Why did she not meet with the diary guy again, or if they did, why did they not have the sex they had to wait for/postpone? (Did you two discuss that?)

The bottom line however is. .... Say, after all this time she said he lied about not having sex with him & not using that condom for sex with him; what would you do?

Would you truly throw away over 20 yrs of marriage and break up your family (how old are your kids?) over it?

LemonDrop22 · 12/09/2022 23:59

(I mean, it's perfectly possible she hasn't been lying, bit even if she was .... It would not have been infidelity, it was before you were a couple, many people would think.ypj.dgdg have the right to question her or know about her sexual experiences before you were a couple and so would think lying, in the face of such an imposition, was understandable. She could have felt put on the spot, under pressure, and perhaps worried you wouldn't want to keep seeing her and she'd lose you if she said yes (why would you have asked if it hadn't mattered quite a lot to you), it could have been panicked, spur of the moment response, which she then realised would be one a massive issue if she said something else, and again, she'd have been dumped and lost you etc etc

I don't know if she's been lying (it's perfe tky possible not), but if she has; I think it's relatively understandable that she might have, and not remotely worth ending a long marriage with kids over.

OldFan · 13/09/2022 00:12

Think of it this way maybe @CK0513 . If she did lie, she did it because she valued the relationship, knew you might be upset by her having had sex in the past before she was going out with you (!) so lied so as not to lose you.

Plenty of women would've just stopped seing you when you mentioned your snooping and started this interrogation.

Original poster
CK0513 · 13/09/2022 00:37

LemonDrop22 · 12/09/2022 23:59

(I mean, it's perfectly possible she hasn't been lying, bit even if she was .... It would not have been infidelity, it was before you were a couple, many people would think.ypj.dgdg have the right to question her or know about her sexual experiences before you were a couple and so would think lying, in the face of such an imposition, was understandable. She could have felt put on the spot, under pressure, and perhaps worried you wouldn't want to keep seeing her and she'd lose you if she said yes (why would you have asked if it hadn't mattered quite a lot to you), it could have been panicked, spur of the moment response, which she then realised would be one a massive issue if she said something else, and again, she'd have been dumped and lost you etc etc

I don't know if she's been lying (it's perfe tky possible not), but if she has; I think it's relatively understandable that she might have, and not remotely worth ending a long marriage with kids over.

I don't care about past relations, that's not my problem, the only issue is trust , its been 23 years she saying the same story, 23 years! and nothing will change her mind about it, some people say after 23 years she will already tell you the truth, But I don't buy as simple as that. we been in therapy to make me understand that she's not lying, but look where i am now.

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 13/09/2022 00:39

LemonDrop22 · 12/09/2022 23:52

As to whether she lied (and continued lying), personally I couldn't say.

Filling a condom with water is a bit of a weird thing to do, however people do weird things esp.inexperienced people . Maybe she wanted to see if they truly were strong/wouldn't break if she ended up using one and relying on it. Who knows.

Why did she not meet with the diary guy again, or if they did, why did they not have the sex they had to wait for/postpone? (Did you two discuss that?)

The bottom line however is. .... Say, after all this time she said he lied about not having sex with him & not using that condom for sex with him; what would you do?

Would you truly throw away over 20 yrs of marriage and break up your family (how old are your kids?) over it?

I agree on that she didn't write anything else after what she wrote, some people say why she didn't write after we had sex and on an on and on. I give that

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 13/09/2022 00:41

CK0513 · 13/09/2022 00:39

I agree on that she didn't write anything else after what she wrote, some people say why she didn't write after we had sex and on an on and on. I give that

Show quote history

why? she always say that she realized it was wrong because it was the brother of her friend and she didn't find a right thing to do and she said she back off from the whole situation

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/09/2022 00:42

Look..maybe she cheated on you...but she'll never tell you if she did. YOU have to decide if you can accept what she says is true or not. That's what it comes down to.

Her story about water in the condom, honestly sounds like a load of rubbish to me... and I guarantee that if you wrote that stuff, she wouldn't believe it.

I certainly wouldn't write that if I was in a relationship with someone.

So now you accept that she may have cheated and stop hounding her to confess...because she's taking this one to her grave...or you drop it and move on.

Original poster
CK0513 · 13/09/2022 00:44

SandyY2K · 13/09/2022 00:42

Look..maybe she cheated on you...but she'll never tell you if she did. YOU have to decide if you can accept what she says is true or not. That's what it comes down to.

Her story about water in the condom, honestly sounds like a load of rubbish to me... and I guarantee that if you wrote that stuff, she wouldn't believe it.

I certainly wouldn't write that if I was in a relationship with someone.

So now you accept that she may have cheated and stop hounding her to confess...because she's taking this one to her grave...or you drop it and move on.

thanks for your honest response

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 13/09/2022 00:46

SandyY2K · 13/09/2022 00:42

Look..maybe she cheated on you...but she'll never tell you if she did. YOU have to decide if you can accept what she says is true or not. That's what it comes down to.

Her story about water in the condom, honestly sounds like a load of rubbish to me... and I guarantee that if you wrote that stuff, she wouldn't believe it.

I certainly wouldn't write that if I was in a relationship with someone.

So now you accept that she may have cheated and stop hounding her to confess...because she's taking this one to her grave...or you drop it and move on.

we were dating at that time, but she always denied that she used it. for 23 years after therapist to convince me, after all this time both of us suffering. keep denying it

OP posts: