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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I resolve this issue about the condom

437 replies

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 02:18

How can I resolve this issue about the condom?

Silly situation where the only thing I been looking for is honesty.

23 years ago, I started dating my now wife, we love each other in a big way, at that moment one day by mistake I ended up snooping into drawers, looking for a pen and I found a box of condoms where one of them was missing, then I found a Diary where she wrote this. “Neither one of us had a condom so we need to wait” , we been thru therapist on and off for 23 years where she's trying to make me understand that she never used that condom with that guy, she wrote as a fantasies that people write in diaries, as a men I truly don't understand how a person write things that are not true, Is that true that women write fantasies in diaries? she's been suffering so much because this, me on top of her on this issue asking for honesty, and always the same story of her saying that she grabbed the condom and fill it with water by curiosity. It’s been 23 years and she can't take it anymore, she's tired and after lots of tears and pain , we are again in therapy, she's still fighting for me insisting that she's not lying, I need to stop on this but all I’m looking is honesty, she's the most honest person I know and I know I’m about to loose her. Please serious comments on this issue.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 18:18

What's the plan then OP?

What are you going to do to ensure you stop abusing your wife?

after so much pain and tears , she's tired and wants to divorce

Well ex wife I suppose as she is exhausted from this abuse and wants a divorce.

You claim to love her.

Do you love her enough to let her go and free her from this abuse?

pointythings · 12/09/2022 18:19

It's very typical that you latch on to the only person who is supporting you in your delusion.

I wish she'd just take the divorce, but you've probably beaten her down so much with your mental torture that she can't do that. Do you have any idea how awfully you have behaved?

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 18:20

That's a way to say it. Do you want the divorce?ok tell me the truth , its not that I'm witholding anybody to divorce But she say no! I won't tell something to make you happy!

She wants to divorce you because you're obsessive and emotionally abusive.

Stop using the diary thing as a bargaining chip.

She wants a divorce.

Why are you saying to her "ok, tell me xyz" when she tells you she wants a divorce? Why does she need to answer that question, yet again, for you to accept the divorce?

It's not a joint decision. Anyone can leave a relationship for any reason at any time.

And I think 23 years of being emotionally abused and called a liar is a pretty good reason, don't you?

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 18:21

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 18:18

What's the plan then OP?

What are you going to do to ensure you stop abusing your wife?

after so much pain and tears , she's tired and wants to divorce

Well ex wife I suppose as she is exhausted from this abuse and wants a divorce.

You claim to love her.

Do you love her enough to let her go and free her from this abuse?

therapy and medicine for anxiety

yes she wants that but at the same time she wants me to be fine and don't have those thoughts in my mind again that's she's lying

yes We love each other so much but is my doubts about that crazy story that by mistake i read

Yes I will let her go if I have to

OP posts:
OldFan · 12/09/2022 18:28

If you're on anxiety meds, speak to your doctor again @CK0513 as I think you can get loads better results than this. There are plenty of different meds/things they can try.

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 18:28

If you're going to have therapy you need to stop (ironically!) lying to yourself.

yes We love each other so much but is my doubts about that crazy story that by mistake i read

You didn't read it 'by mistake'. You purposefully found and read her private diary.

Then punished her for the contents for 23 years.

Yes I will let her go if I have to

I really hope that's true.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 18:30

OldFan · 12/09/2022 18:28

If you're on anxiety meds, speak to your doctor again @CK0513 as I think you can get loads better results than this. There are plenty of different meds/things they can try.

No, never have medicine of anxiety but I agree I need it that's a good step.
By the way is there some natural medicines too that i can use beside the prescribed?

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 18:30

at that moment one day by mistake I ended up snooping into drawers, looking for a pen and I found a box of condoms where one of them was missing, then I found a Diary where she wrote this. “Neither one of us had a condom so we need to wait”

By mistake? So you were looking for a pen and...

Accidentally found a box of condoms
Accidentally saw one of them was missing (you must have opened the box)
Accidentally found her diary
Accidentally read it
Accidentally read enough of it to find a reference to the condoms

Goodness me, that's a lot of accidents in one go if this was 'by mistake'.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 18:31

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 18:28

If you're going to have therapy you need to stop (ironically!) lying to yourself.

yes We love each other so much but is my doubts about that crazy story that by mistake i read

You didn't read it 'by mistake'. You purposefully found and read her private diary.

Then punished her for the contents for 23 years.

Yes I will let her go if I have to

I really hope that's true.

Ok! We are in Therapy.... again.....
she's is sending me to believe in her

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 18:33

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 18:30

at that moment one day by mistake I ended up snooping into drawers, looking for a pen and I found a box of condoms where one of them was missing, then I found a Diary where she wrote this. “Neither one of us had a condom so we need to wait”

By mistake? So you were looking for a pen and...

Accidentally found a box of condoms
Accidentally saw one of them was missing (you must have opened the box)
Accidentally found her diary
Accidentally read it
Accidentally read enough of it to find a reference to the condoms

Goodness me, that's a lot of accidents in one go if this was 'by mistake'.

Wow!!! I'm just wonder who's the one pounding here!!! You are on top of me!!!
Yes it was an accident!!!
When you see a box! Don't you want to open it???
Yes after I saw the box I was curious about what else! Is that a problem that was 23 years ago.
That's irrelevant now!

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 18:36

You saying "she's sending me in" it hardly sounds like you proactively trying to find out why you are unwilling or unable to stop emotionally abusing her.

You see it as her trying to convince you she's not lying, rather than a way of her trying to make you stop emotionally abusing her.

You're going because shes asked you to, not because you're proactively trying to stop being obsessive and abusive.

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 18:39

When you see a box! Don't you want to open it???

If I saw a box of condoms in the drawer of someone I was dating, would I open it and count them? No. It's weird you think that's a normal response to seeing a box that isn't yours.

If I saw the diary of someone I was dating (or of my long term partner now) would I read it? No. Because respect is important to me. And I respect people enough to not read their private thoughts without permission. Again, it's strange you think that invading people's privacy is normal or acceptable.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 18:40

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 18:36

You saying "she's sending me in" it hardly sounds like you proactively trying to find out why you are unwilling or unable to stop emotionally abusing her.

You see it as her trying to convince you she's not lying, rather than a way of her trying to make you stop emotionally abusing her.

You're going because shes asked you to, not because you're proactively trying to stop being obsessive and abusive.

Don't you think I want to make my family happy??
What I'm trying to say is that yes she always want to go to clear my mind about the thoughts I have, but of course I want to for me and my sanity.
I don't want you to see me as a bad person I have made my wife life miserable and do you think I want that??? Because all o this I suffer so much!!!

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 12/09/2022 18:42

You are the one making your family unhappy

pointythings · 12/09/2022 18:42

When I see a box of condoms, do I want to open the box and count them? No.
When I see someone's private diary, do I open it and read it? Hell no.

Your reactions throughout this entire relationship have been abnormal.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 18:43

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 18:39

When you see a box! Don't you want to open it???

If I saw a box of condoms in the drawer of someone I was dating, would I open it and count them? No. It's weird you think that's a normal response to seeing a box that isn't yours.

If I saw the diary of someone I was dating (or of my long term partner now) would I read it? No. Because respect is important to me. And I respect people enough to not read their private thoughts without permission. Again, it's strange you think that invading people's privacy is normal or acceptable.

No! to open the box is was natural thing for me to do.
Now about the diary I never used to think about diaries and privacy never came to my mind about the privacy issue. I was very ignorant about that

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 12/09/2022 18:43

Don't you think I want to make my family happy??

No, and I think you’re deluding yourself if you think you do.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 18:44

PurpleDaisies · 12/09/2022 18:43

Don't you think I want to make my family happy??

No, and I think you’re deluding yourself if you think you do.

ok

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 18:44

No! to open the box is was natural thing for me to do.

For you maybe: Opening a box of condoms in someone else's drawer is not a natural thing for most people to do. At all.

And you didn't think that reading someone else's diary was invading their privacy? Come off it.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 18:46

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 18:44

No! to open the box is was natural thing for me to do.

For you maybe: Opening a box of condoms in someone else's drawer is not a natural thing for most people to do. At all.

And you didn't think that reading someone else's diary was invading their privacy? Come off it.

I guess I was naive about the diary thing. never thought that I would read nothing important

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 12/09/2022 18:49

OP you may have misunderstood me.

You DO NOT HAVE the right to block her from divorcing you.

It doesn't matter if you love her.

It doesn't matter if she lied.

It doesn't matter if you want a different answer to your question.

You do. Not. Have. The right to force her to remain married to you.

You should move out of the house as soon as possible and allow her to proceed with divorce proceedings.

Do you have obsessive thoughts and behaviours in other ways? You still haven't answered that question.

BadNomad · 12/09/2022 18:53

But what if she is telling the truth?

It doesn't even matter any more. You can't back down now. Because if she is telling the truth, then there is no justification for the 23 years of appalling abuse you've put your family through. You NEED to keep this belief that she lied so you can blame her for your horrible behaviour.

DatingDinosaur · 12/09/2022 18:55

I don’t think you are telling the truth @CK0513

Can you prove that you are please.

Thanks.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 18:59

CousinKrispy · 12/09/2022 18:49

OP you may have misunderstood me.

You DO NOT HAVE the right to block her from divorcing you.

It doesn't matter if you love her.

It doesn't matter if she lied.

It doesn't matter if you want a different answer to your question.

You do. Not. Have. The right to force her to remain married to you.

You should move out of the house as soon as possible and allow her to proceed with divorce proceedings.

Do you have obsessive thoughts and behaviours in other ways? You still haven't answered that question.

Yes I know all that and agree with you.
We just trying one more time with more therapy and medicine for anxiety and of course she keep trying for me to believe in what she say is true

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 19:00

DatingDinosaur · 12/09/2022 18:55

I don’t think you are telling the truth @CK0513

Can you prove that you are please.

Thanks.

??? sorry don't understand

OP posts: