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Original poster

How can I resolve this issue about the condom

437 replies

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 02:18

How can I resolve this issue about the condom?

Silly situation where the only thing I been looking for is honesty.

23 years ago, I started dating my now wife, we love each other in a big way, at that moment one day by mistake I ended up snooping into drawers, looking for a pen and I found a box of condoms where one of them was missing, then I found a Diary where she wrote this. “Neither one of us had a condom so we need to wait” , we been thru therapist on and off for 23 years where she's trying to make me understand that she never used that condom with that guy, she wrote as a fantasies that people write in diaries, as a men I truly don't understand how a person write things that are not true, Is that true that women write fantasies in diaries? she's been suffering so much because this, me on top of her on this issue asking for honesty, and always the same story of her saying that she grabbed the condom and fill it with water by curiosity. It’s been 23 years and she can't take it anymore, she's tired and after lots of tears and pain , we are again in therapy, she's still fighting for me insisting that she's not lying, I need to stop on this but all I’m looking is honesty, she's the most honest person I know and I know I’m about to loose her. Please serious comments on this issue.

OP posts:
TattoedLady · 12/09/2022 19:56

DatingDinosaur · 12/09/2022 19:32

I think you are lying that you read a diary. I think you are lying that there was a condom missing out of the box. I think you are lying when you say you don’t believe your wife.

How can you convince me you’re not lying? What can you say or do that proves to me you’re telling the truth?

Show quote history

I also think OP is lying.

I think he's lying about reading the diary being a mistake. I think he's lying about not understanding the concept of privacy, specifically as it relates to a diary. I think he understood full well the diary was private, but read it anyway to see what he could find out in it.

I think he's lying about looking into the box of condoms being a mistake due to naivety - I think he was deliberately trying to find out if any had been used, so that he could challenge his GF on this.

I think he's lying about why he wants the "truth". If he really wanted the truth he'd realise he's gotten the truth from his wife over and over and over and over again over the past 23 years. I believe he's lying and the truth is, he won't accept what his wife says because it's not the answer he wants to hear.

I don't believe that he really can truthfully recall something he read 23 years ago.

I think he's lying about everything but the "truth" being irrelevant.

I think his wife is telling the truth. How do I know that? Because I trust her.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 19:57

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 19:55

@CK0513

You know what about. We think you're lying.

It's not our choice, it's your behaviour making us think you're lying.

If only you could be honest.

If you can tell where I have been dishonest about? I been asking for advise and help all the time

OP posts:
BadNomad · 12/09/2022 20:07

Is it bothering you that people keep accusing you of lying?

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 20:09

I know you've lied OP so you may as well just admit it.

Gotmynewshoes · 12/09/2022 20:09

I dont think that there is anything you can do to stop yourself from believing she is lying. You've made this your truth for 23 years. It sounds like paranoid delusions, but it's your truth (whether real or not) and it doesn't sound like you can let go of it. So let her go.

Going forward you can try to get help with your delusions (start with a GP visit), but I don't think it's possible for you to unpick 23 years of them sadly. But please let your wife go, it's just too much.

DatingDinosaur · 12/09/2022 20:10

CK0513 · 12/09/2022 19:33

Who you are for me to prove you anything.
freak!!!

Show quote history

So, basically, what you've just done there is say you can't prove you're telling the truth but rather than just admit that, you resort to name calling.

Biscuit
marcopront · 12/09/2022 20:12

When you accidentally read her diary not realising you were violating her privacy, how much did you read?

Completelyovernonsense · 12/09/2022 20:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

OldFan · 12/09/2022 20:23

By the way is there some natural medicines too that i can use beside the prescribed?

They wouldn't be as effective and probably a waste of money. Use evidence based medical treatment. Maybe get a blood test to see if you have and deficiencies, and go on a multivitamin and mineral supplement if your diet isn't the best.

No! to open the box is was natural thing for me to do.

If I saw a box of condoms @CK0513 , I'd think 'oh, there's a box of condoms.' It's not like it's a mystery, unlabelled wooden box I might open to see what was inside.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 20:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

I got your point now.
Yes , you guys just gave a little lesson here , It's very hard when you keep saying and saying that you are not lying and someone keep pounding on you for some other true that doesn't exist even if looks like a lie, its not

Got the whole point, Thanks!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 20:27

BadNomad · 12/09/2022 20:07

Is it bothering you that people keep accusing you of lying?

I got your point now!
That makes all sense what you just did, No , its not easy to have someone on top of you for 23 years asking you and telling you lier. when you are not , even if everything look that way

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 20:27

Yes , you guys just gave a little lesson here , It's very hard when you keep saying and saying that you are not lying and someone keep pounding on you for some other true that doesn't exist even if looks like a lie, its not

Got the whole point, Thanks!!!

I hope you did.

Now imagine that half an hour or so that some strangers accused of lying lasting for 23 years and it being your partner doing the accusing.

I feel so sad for her having been in that situation for so long. And the poor kids involved, their idea of what a healthy relationship looks like must be so messed up.

I really think the best thing would be to break up so she can breathe and rediscover her sense of self while you have some intense therapy in order to stop you abusing her or anyone else in future.

Completelyovernonsense · 12/09/2022 20:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 20:29

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 20:27

Yes , you guys just gave a little lesson here , It's very hard when you keep saying and saying that you are not lying and someone keep pounding on you for some other true that doesn't exist even if looks like a lie, its not

Got the whole point, Thanks!!!

I hope you did.

Now imagine that half an hour or so that some strangers accused of lying lasting for 23 years and it being your partner doing the accusing.

I feel so sad for her having been in that situation for so long. And the poor kids involved, their idea of what a healthy relationship looks like must be so messed up.

I really think the best thing would be to break up so she can breathe and rediscover her sense of self while you have some intense therapy in order to stop you abusing her or anyone else in future.

we need to work on this together, we have a beautiful family, and I want to be sure that all this is left behind

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 20:30

That makes all sense what you just did, No , its not easy to have someone on top of you for 23 years asking you and telling you lier. when you are not , even if everything look that way

If you'd have stopped this paragraph with "when you are not" then it would have showed progress.

The fact you couldn't resist the "even if everything looks that way" on the end, which is designed either intentionally or subconsciously to remove some of the accountability from you, is very telling.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 20:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

I'm 100% working with the therapist in understand she's not lying after the horrific 23 years i gave her on and off and yes we talk with therapist about some anxiety medicaments

OP posts:
Completelyovernonsense · 12/09/2022 20:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 20:32

we need to work on this together, we have a beautiful family, and I want to be sure that all this is left behind

Again, no.

She doesn't need to work "together" with you on this.

This is not a situation in which you're both culpable or hold blame.

You have emotionally abused her for twenty three years.

The fact you expect her to do any work to fix the relationship is mind boggling.

It's already broken. You broke it. You broke her, if she's stayed two decades with you treating her this way.

I hope she can get free. The most loving thing you could do would be to agree to the divorce, co-parent your children if they aren't adults already, and go to therapy yourself alone to work through your issues.

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 20:33

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 20:30

That makes all sense what you just did, No , its not easy to have someone on top of you for 23 years asking you and telling you lier. when you are not , even if everything look that way

If you'd have stopped this paragraph with "when you are not" then it would have showed progress.

The fact you couldn't resist the "even if everything looks that way" on the end, which is designed either intentionally or subconsciously to remove some of the accountability from you, is very telling.

Yes you are right! I need to stop the even if.
Thanks!!!

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 12/09/2022 20:33

OP you're lying. Why can't you be honest with us?

Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 20:34

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 20:32

we need to work on this together, we have a beautiful family, and I want to be sure that all this is left behind

Again, no.

She doesn't need to work "together" with you on this.

This is not a situation in which you're both culpable or hold blame.

You have emotionally abused her for twenty three years.

The fact you expect her to do any work to fix the relationship is mind boggling.

It's already broken. You broke it. You broke her, if she's stayed two decades with you treating her this way.

I hope she can get free. The most loving thing you could do would be to agree to the divorce, co-parent your children if they aren't adults already, and go to therapy yourself alone to work through your issues.

NO. I don't want to lose my family!

OP posts:
Original poster
CK0513 · 12/09/2022 20:35

CK0513 · 12/09/2022 20:34

NO. I don't want to lose my family!

Show quote history

I'm the one to blame. No doubt about that, bt there's always a little light at the end of the tunnel even if its far far aways

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 20:41

NO. I don't want to lose my family!

No? So you're saying no to your wife when she tells you she wants a divorce? Which she has?

You do realise OP, that you don't get a casting vote in this relationship?

You've emotionally abused her for 23 years and now you have the nerve to say "NO. I don't want to lose my family!" when she's finally had enough?

She must be absolutely fucking exhausted.

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 20:43

I'm the one to blame. No doubt about that, bt there's always a little light at the end of the tunnel even if its far far aways

Do you have any daughters?

If they came to you as an adult and said their husband had been emotionally abusing them and calling them a liar for 23 years, and that husband came to you saying that as a result your daughter wanted to divorce, would you honestly say to him that there's always a little light at the end of the tunnel so he shouldn't let her go?

Of course you wouldn't. You'd tell him he should have thought about that during the 23 years he abused her and to jog on and leave her alone.

CousinKrispy · 12/09/2022 20:50

You. Do. Not. Have. The. Right. To. Deny. Her. A. Divorce.

Do you have intrusive, obsessive thoughts and behaviours about other things?

Have you been honest with your GP and therapists about them?

Have you ever been honest with your therapists? I so no reason to believe you have been.