Do I cancel my holiday to go to my dad's funeral?

[Maidenpink]

My relationship with my mum, dad and brother broke down around 6 or so years ago. It was a long time coming. I stopped being the one to visit and maintain connection. I decided I didn't want to keep bringing my young kids into a house with so much volatility, addiction, lack of boundaries. It was adversely affecting my mental health and ability to look after my own family. So we ended up very low contact (birthday cards only, even that dwindling). Had years of counselling. All very painful.

My dad died yesterday. My brother called me to tell me. I am booked to go on a cruise on Sunday with my husband and two kids. This is a big deal holiday for us (who are traditionally campers). We could I think claim money back via insurance (although we wouldn't get this holiday again as it was a good deal coming out of Covid). Initially I thought I had to cancel the holiday no question. But some friends have gently pointed out that I could still go. Missing his funeral wouldn't be the end of the world given our relationship had broken down and I hadn't seen or spoken to him in nearly 7 years. No date for funeral yet. It will be small, prob crematorium. It may not even be next week so I could end up cancelling for nothing anyway.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I have to decide by tomor at the latest. I realise there is no easy answer to this. Would really appreciate input from other estranged adult children.

Don’t cancel. If you think you would like Tobago, tell your family your dates for when you are away and ask them to arrange the funeral for when you are back.

And I am sorry for your loss xx

If you are in the UK and your dad wasn't Jewish or Muslim, then the funeral will most likely be in at least 2 weeks time, maybe even more. I would go on the holiday. Tell your brother the date you are back, so you can arrange to go on your return, if that's your wish.

Personally I would go on the cruise with my loved ones. A death should focus your mind on wanting to spend time with them.

However I am not you so if nobody, not even God, would judge - what do you really really want to do? Which one would you regret not doing the most?

So sorry.
It can take a couple of weeks for a funeral date.
Go ahead with your holiday.

Are you considering going because you think it’ll look bad if you don’t go, or because you genuinely want to go? You don’t have to go, if you don’t want to or don’t feel like you need to.

Also I agree with PP I doubt the funeral will be next week.

Honestly OP - I think you should go on the holiday, particularly if it’s likely you won’t be able to afford a similar one anytime soon.

If you aren’t particularly close then your mum and brother won’t be relying on you for emotional support , and you can say goodbye to your dad in your own time.

It can be a strange time when a family member dies when you have a fraught relationship, you may find you feel guilty for not feeling sad, or you may feel a loss for the relationship that could have been, whatever you feel is absolutely ok.

best wishes to you.

DOn't cancel, but let your Mum and Brother know you want to go to the funeral but are not available the dates of the holiday - don't tell them why no need. In the UK it takes around a mth to sort anyway

I wouldn't cancel. I'd go. If you miss the funeral, so be it, but you probably won't.

Sorry for your loss OP.

im not estranged but I am a funeral arranger. Are you in the UK? If so it's very unlikely the funeral will be very soon, depending on what part of the country you are in. In Greater London 2-3 weeks is typical to get a slot at the crematorium.

If you were to let your mum and brother know the dates you are away do you think they'd wait until you're back?

I'm estranged from all my family. In your position, I wouldn't cancel my holiday. You could do as pp suggests and ask if it can be booked when you are back. However, your father won't know if you are there or not but the rest of your family will be there and if you are estranged/have a difficult relationship, that is something to consider. Sorry for your loss. Estrangements add a whole different level of pain to grieving.

I'm sorry.

Go on the holiday, spend time with the people that mean something to you.

As an aside, my grandad died recently and funeral isn't until next week - it will have been over three and half weeks since he died. You would also need to check your insurance policy carefully to see if it would cover you.

We held my mothers funeral almost a month after her death. Many people had to travel long distances to attend and it just wasn’t practical to hold it any sooner.

Canceling makes no sense if you aren’t even sure of a conflict.

In the end, you need to decide if attending the funeral will help you process your own emotions. There can be value in taking that one day to focus on your grief, especially if that grief is complicated.

Your dad is gone; game over, as far as your relationship with him is concerned. If you feel the need to mark his passing, you could light a candle and say a few words.

Funerals are for the remaining family to regroup and support each other. It sounds like this could open a whole can of worms for you. I'd miss it, whether you're back from the cruise or not.

Focus on celebrating the family you chose, not the one you were lumped with at birth.

Enjoy your holiday!

I would go on the holiday, even if it involved missing the funeral, unless it means a lot to you personally.

My Mum (who has sadly passed away) always said (correctly) funerals are for the living. If it helps you then prioritise it, if not, prioritise the happiness of your family.

Sorry for your loss.

In those circumstances I would go on holiday.

After my parents split in 2008 he hadn’t tried to contact me. He died this May. I didn’t go to the funeral as I had no interest in attending the service of a man I had no connection with. As others have said if you want to go ask for the funeral to be arranged for when your back.

Go on the holiday!
Honesty the funeral will likely be a few weeks anyway.

Pragmatically they will have worked a miracle if it's next week (assuming UK). Therefore you should go on the holiday assuming, reasonably, that the funeral will be after you return. Whether you want to go or not is another matter anyway. You may decide to "remember him privately", if you think people will kick off at the funeral.

If you want to see your mum and brother go and see them before you go on holiday. If you don't want to do that - say bye to your dad in your own personal way. You don't need to attend a funeral to do that xx you may grieve the dad you wished you'd had so give yourself some space as well xxx

Funerals are for the family not for the dead. You can say your goodbyes when you get back.

The only reason for attending would be to appease your Mum and Brother. You don't have to do that anymore. That is why you went low/no contact. Those aspects that caused you to distance yourself are all still there so don't allow yourself to be suckered back in just for a sense of propriety or respect that your Dad did nothing to earn from you.

Enjoy your holiday and visit the grave later when you are ready.

Go on your holiday love. Its unlikely to happen so fast and, even if it does, many funerals can do an online link now anyway so you can attend remotely.

The OP might be in Northern Ireland, it’s normal for funerals to be a few days after deaths here, even cremations.

I think in your place I’d go on the holiday with your family OP. It was my dad’s funeral a couple of months ago and it was the kids sports day on the same day so we sent them to school because my dad would have much rather they ran around a field enjoying themselves.

If it wasn’t for your kids missing out maybe I’d say consider it but to be blunt, nothing will bring him back and it doesn’t sound like his death will change things with your family.

I’d go on the holiday.

Your dad is gone, this isn’t about him
anymore. Your children are here and have been looking forward to this holiday, cancelling would crush them and gain nothing.

If you feel a need for closure, chat with a therapist or have a quiet ceremony on your own to say goodbye. I found sitting in the garden at night with a glass of wine and small bonfire, talking through all my good memories until the fire went out, then saying goodbye was helpful and felt more meaningful than a load of family drama in a church.

How will you feel at not going? If you don't feel bothered then don't go.

Been in the same situation and felt more bothered about missing out on a once in a lifetime trip so did that instead. No regrets.