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Original poster

Do I cancel my holiday to go to my dad's funeral?

187 replies

Maidenpink · 01/09/2022 14:28

My relationship with my mum, dad and brother broke down around 6 or so years ago. It was a long time coming. I stopped being the one to visit and maintain connection. I decided I didn't want to keep bringing my young kids into a house with so much volatility, addiction, lack of boundaries. It was adversely affecting my mental health and ability to look after my own family. So we ended up very low contact (birthday cards only, even that dwindling). Had years of counselling. All very painful.

My dad died yesterday. My brother called me to tell me. I am booked to go on a cruise on Sunday with my husband and two kids. This is a big deal holiday for us (who are traditionally campers). We could I think claim money back via insurance (although we wouldn't get this holiday again as it was a good deal coming out of Covid). Initially I thought I had to cancel the holiday no question. But some friends have gently pointed out that I could still go. Missing his funeral wouldn't be the end of the world given our relationship had broken down and I hadn't seen or spoken to him in nearly 7 years. No date for funeral yet. It will be small, prob crematorium. It may not even be next week so I could end up cancelling for nothing anyway.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I have to decide by tomor at the latest. I realise there is no easy answer to this. Would really appreciate input from other estranged adult children.

OP posts:
Ginandcrispsarebliss · 01/09/2022 16:05

I would go on Holiday OP with your family. Make great memories with your own DC's and DH. They are your unit and enjoy being together.
Your Dad has gone and you can say your goodbyes another way.
Sorry to hear your loss and sorry you had to distance yourself but your own family always comes before anything/anyone else.

Washermother33 · 01/09/2022 16:07

Most funerals in my recent experience are about 3 weeks after death .. I’ve dealt with a few in the last years . Go on your family holiday

Original poster
Maidenpink · 01/09/2022 16:07

@mistermagpie and @LarryBlackmonsCodpiece hugs to you and thank you. X

OP posts:
Spanielsarepainless · 01/09/2022 16:08

Go on holiday. Some funerals are taking a month to find a slot. Ask your family to postpone till you get back. And enjoy your cruise.

speakingofart · 01/09/2022 16:09

I wouldn’t go at all to my mums, let alone cancel a holiday. Also to be honest at the moment it’ll be 3/4 weeks anyway…

GG1986 · 01/09/2022 16:09

Don't cancel x

LarryBlackmonsCodpiece · 01/09/2022 16:10

Maidenpink · 01/09/2022 16:05

Thank you all for your replies. I'm actually gobsmacked that the consensus is to go on holiday, given last night it was all off in my mind. I do think funerals are important for closure in some circumstances. I lost my gran a few months ago and although there was stress at that funeral I was glad to show up and say my goodbyes. But my relationship with my gran had always been good and positive so it wasn't comparable. There is a big element of this which is showing face and going through the motions, which was how my relationship with them all was at best for years before the LC/NC started. The rebellious, honest part of me wants to do what's best for me and screw all that other stuff.

It wouldn’t be rebellious though, it would be an act of kindness to yourself, I get it but still you need to really think about what you need & what will serve you well, these people will judge you whatever you decide to do.

CookieCoo · 01/09/2022 16:11

I’d go on holiday.

Funerals are for the living, so it’s really your mother and brother who will judge you and you’re NC with them anyway.

Enjoy your cruise

SarahSissions · 01/09/2022 16:11

go on your holiday. Spend your life with the living. Make peace with your dad in your own way in your own time

gogohmm · 01/09/2022 16:11

2 weeks minimum currently here. Even those from religions who traditionally have quick funerals can't get slots quickly unless they agree to 9am

CookieCoo · 01/09/2022 16:11

Forgot to add that near me there are long delays at the crematorium, so I’d doubt the funeral would be in the next couple of weeks

SpikeyHatePotato · 01/09/2022 16:12

Unless you really want to go for your own closure (or whatever), then I would definitely go on holiday.

personally, I have absolutely no intention of attending my fathers funeral when the time comes, I’ve already grieved for the relationship we never had.

Poppyblush · 01/09/2022 16:13

I could be in your position and I’d go on holiday. Your immediate family come first. Time is precious.

GretaVanFleet · 01/09/2022 16:13

My relationship with my mum, dad and brother broke down around 6 or so years ago. It was a long time coming. I stopped being the one to visit and maintain connection. I decided I didn't want to keep bringing my young kids into a house with so much volatility, addiction, lack of boundaries. It was adversely affecting my mental health and ability to look after my own family. So we ended up very low contact (birthday cards only, even that dwindling). Had years of counselling. All very painful.…..given our relationship had broken down and I hadn't seen or spoken to him in nearly 7 years.

Given what you have said here I wonder whether if you did attend there could potentially be issues with the rest of the family. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t I think. Unless you are looking to re establish contact enjoy your holiday.

lapasion · 01/09/2022 16:13

Go on the holiday. It’s unlikely you’ll miss the funeral, and even if you do, there are lots of ways to say goodbye. If he’s cremated there might be a scattering of the ashes. Or you could visit his grave in your own time. Go and have some amazing times with your children.

ToFindNewWays · 01/09/2022 16:14

Don’t deprive your kids and yourself of a magical holiday just to save face OP. Go on holiday and decide how you want to mark your fathers death in your own way - a way meaningful to you Flowers

Mulhollandmagoo · 01/09/2022 16:14

It wouldn’t be rebellious though, it would be an act of kindness to yourself, I get it but still you need to really think about what you need & what will serve you well, these people will judge you whatever you decide to do

Beautifully put @LarryBlackmonsCodpiece I completely agree, go on your holiday OP, enjoy quality time with your husband and children, they're what are most important.

User148563 · 01/09/2022 16:14

My DF died recently and his direct cremation was 3.5 weeks later, he was with the coroner but that only delayed it by 2-3 days. I wouldn't cancel.

ChuggaChuggaTooToo · 01/09/2022 16:18

Last funeral I went to it was a month between the death and the funeral. It does depend on where you are in the country but it's likely that they won't be able to find a slot until after you are back anyway.

Dogandacat · 01/09/2022 16:19

Would you have cared if your dad went to your funeral or not?

Dogandacat · 01/09/2022 16:20

I wouldn’t go even if I didn’t have a holiday to go on. Go on your holiday and make lovely memories op.

PaceyWitter · 01/09/2022 16:20

Depending on where you are you may wait up to a month for a funeral. Most here are 2-3 weeks wait. Could even be longer if a post mortem is required, this can take up to a week before the body is even released to the funeral director.

My mum was on holiday when my grandad died. I told her to stay there and I dealt with the formalities. Her coming back wouldn't have changed anything.

Gentle hugs OP.

GretaVanFleet · 01/09/2022 16:22

I also wonder whether they’ve told you to see what you do choose to do regarding attendance.

My aunt didn’t tell my father when their mother died except for sending a card to tell us she’d been cremated after the event.

Original poster
Maidenpink · 01/09/2022 16:24

@GretaVanFleet I wasn't told he was dying. He had been in and out of hospital for ages apparently.

I never know with my family, nothing is ever straight forward with them.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 01/09/2022 16:26

I wouldn't go to the funeral. . Go on your holiday with the family who love you.
Say your goodbyes to DF in private.

A funeral with estranged family is a very high-stress occasion to attempt to mend fences. I don't recommend it. More hurt will ensue.

If you want to express condolences in person with your DM and DB, better to go and see them later, in a month or so in calmer times.