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Original poster

Do I cancel my holiday to go to my dad's funeral?

187 replies

Maidenpink · 01/09/2022 14:28

My relationship with my mum, dad and brother broke down around 6 or so years ago. It was a long time coming. I stopped being the one to visit and maintain connection. I decided I didn't want to keep bringing my young kids into a house with so much volatility, addiction, lack of boundaries. It was adversely affecting my mental health and ability to look after my own family. So we ended up very low contact (birthday cards only, even that dwindling). Had years of counselling. All very painful.

My dad died yesterday. My brother called me to tell me. I am booked to go on a cruise on Sunday with my husband and two kids. This is a big deal holiday for us (who are traditionally campers). We could I think claim money back via insurance (although we wouldn't get this holiday again as it was a good deal coming out of Covid). Initially I thought I had to cancel the holiday no question. But some friends have gently pointed out that I could still go. Missing his funeral wouldn't be the end of the world given our relationship had broken down and I hadn't seen or spoken to him in nearly 7 years. No date for funeral yet. It will be small, prob crematorium. It may not even be next week so I could end up cancelling for nothing anyway.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I have to decide by tomor at the latest. I realise there is no easy answer to this. Would really appreciate input from other estranged adult children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maidenpink · 01/09/2022 14:52

Thanks for your replies everyone, I really appreciate them. @Terriblethirtytwos my head's all mashed up but I think a lot of the reason for going is to show face and avoid judgement as being selfish by not appearing. I also have a drive to 'do the right thing' for its own sake. In my heart, I feel I will say goodbye/make peace with my dad in my own way (I've already had a think about what that looks like). The funeral will be an ordeal that I stand near the back of and then leave straight away.

Interesting to hear how long it takes to get a date. How long before you're told when someone can't be buried/cremated usually?

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 01/09/2022 14:55

My grandmother died in June (this was in England) and it was nearly five weeks until her funeral unfortunately. So you might cancel the holiday only to find the funeral isn't for a while. I had a similar situation though and her funeral was while we were on holiday. I didn't go to the funeral and I don't feel bad about it, sad as it is - she wasn't there and it wasn't a reflection on how I felt about her. I know she would have told me to take the holiday and it was our first break for three years, I didn't want to let my children down.

I'm no contact with my parents by the way and wouldn't go to their funerals under any circumstances. There is honestly no obligation for you to attend and you needn't feel guilty, it's really nobody's business what your reasons are.

RP2211 · 01/09/2022 14:55

It can take up to four weeks to have a funeral these days. It definitely will not be next week. I hope you enjoy your holiday. Contact your brother to see if it can be arranged for when you're back which it definitely could be.

Starlightstarbright1 · 01/09/2022 14:57

I didnt find out my dad dird till 12 months afterwards.

Tbh i would not have attened . In many ways grieved tears before for the parent i deserved

Cruisebabe1 · 01/09/2022 14:57

So would I.

BendingSpoons · 01/09/2022 14:58

Very unlikely to be next week. My grandmother died in May. It took 5 days to get the death certificate, over a week to have a date and 4 weeks until the funeral. I'd go on the cruise and wait to hear. Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Maidenpink · 01/09/2022 15:01

Funeral in Scotland, small town.

OP posts:
Terriblethirtytwos · 01/09/2022 15:01

It sounds as though it’s not an ‘either/or’ situation then as you would most likely be able to go on the holiday and attend the funeral. It doesn’t sound as if that is something that would benefit you, though. It sounds like you need to consider what would be best for you. It’s hard to put yourself ahead of others or what you think you should do. However you are important and grief is highly personal. If you can, do whatever is right for you. Take care of yourself.

RandomMess · 01/09/2022 15:03

I didn't go to my VLC mother's funeral (health reasons but could have made it if I really wanted to). No regrets I had already grieved for the relationship I suppose and always will from time to time.

Mrsmch123 · 01/09/2022 15:05

Prioritise you , your children and your family. Go on your holiday. Your family can always postpone your dads funeral until you get back, if they really wanted you there.

Atmywitsend29 · 01/09/2022 15:07

Honestly, and speaking as someone estranged from a parent, I wouldn't cancel. I wouldn't go to the funeral.
Go on holiday with your DH and children.
If you feel you need to, you can quietly mark it with your DH.

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 01/09/2022 15:09

Go on holiday, life is for the living.

ethelredonagoodday · 01/09/2022 15:09

So sorry for your loss OP. Just to add to other PPs comments on timescales, I've had two family members' funerals in the last year, one cremation, one church service and burial in small village church yard, and both were several weeks after death. Go on holiday with your family and enjoy that special time with them.

mistermagpie · 01/09/2022 15:10

Maidenpink · 01/09/2022 14:52

Thanks for your replies everyone, I really appreciate them. @Terriblethirtytwos my head's all mashed up but I think a lot of the reason for going is to show face and avoid judgement as being selfish by not appearing. I also have a drive to 'do the right thing' for its own sake. In my heart, I feel I will say goodbye/make peace with my dad in my own way (I've already had a think about what that looks like). The funeral will be an ordeal that I stand near the back of and then leave straight away.

Interesting to hear how long it takes to get a date. How long before you're told when someone can't be buried/cremated usually?

Regardless of the funeral/holiday clash scenario - it's really really ok to just not go if you don't want to. I've made my peace with being judged for having no contact with my parents and this extends to their funerals. Who would it be benefitting for you to attend at all? Try not to fear what people think, as bad as it sounds if they think badly of you for not going they were probably either thinking badly of you in the first place or don't know anything about the situation anyway.

NotLactoseFree · 01/09/2022 15:11

Definitely do not cancel the holiday. As others have pointed out, it's very unlikely that you'd miss the funeral. More importantly, I think it would completely wrong to make a decision that negatively impacts the whole family for a relationship that did not add any positives to your life.

Incidentally, I speak as someone whose father was no contact with his father. When his father died, he did not attend the funeral but instead was present for a big family event. It meant a lot to all of us.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 01/09/2022 15:13

Id go on the cruise personally.

However if you don't go, you would need to check the travel insurance carefully as it won't necessarily be covered.

MaChienEstUnDick · 01/09/2022 15:14

Maidenpink · 01/09/2022 15:01

Funeral in Scotland, small town.

Depending on how/where he died the death has to be certified, then the registrar has to do their bit before a date can be booked. I would think it highly unlikely to be less than two weeks for all that to happen - my mum took three weeks, a neighbour was just over two weeks recently (also in a small town in Scotland).

Go on your holiday lovie.

TheProvincialLady · 01/09/2022 15:14

I was estranged from my father and although I arranged his funeral I didn’t attend it. Funerals are for the benefit of the living and you’re under no obligation to miss a holiday and spend time with people you’ve been deliberately avoiding for years for his ‘benefit’ or theirs. Put yourself first and go on your lovely holiday. Giving it up to attend your dad’s funeral will achieve nothing but unhappiness. You’re allowed not to go.

KnowtheBand · 01/09/2022 15:15

Here most funerals seem to be taking at least 3 weeks so it might not clash

jennakong · 01/09/2022 15:16

OP, sorry for your loss.

Where do you live in the UK? We lost a family member in England (south east) in the Spring and had to wait almost six weeks for a crematorium 'slot' to become available. He was elderly and unattached, I'd imagine they prioritise younger people. Apparently according to my cousins this is a typical wait in much of England.

pilates · 01/09/2022 15:16

In your circumstances, I would still go on your family holiday. Just mention the dates you will be back but say you understand if they cannot fit in with you.

Greyarea12 · 01/09/2022 15:17

My Dad died recently and it was almost a 3 week wait for his funeral so you might find it is after you get back. I would ask your family to plan it for after you are back.
My daughter was away when my Dad passed and I asked my family to hold off, although it turned out not to be an issue as the funeral ended up being 8 days after she was back.

averageavocado · 01/09/2022 15:17

Maidenpink · 01/09/2022 14:52

Thanks for your replies everyone, I really appreciate them. @Terriblethirtytwos my head's all mashed up but I think a lot of the reason for going is to show face and avoid judgement as being selfish by not appearing. I also have a drive to 'do the right thing' for its own sake. In my heart, I feel I will say goodbye/make peace with my dad in my own way (I've already had a think about what that looks like). The funeral will be an ordeal that I stand near the back of and then leave straight away.

Interesting to hear how long it takes to get a date. How long before you're told when someone can't be buried/cremated usually?

The funeral will be an ordeal that I stand near the back of and then leave straight away.

No, dont go

NewJobSoNewName · 01/09/2022 15:17

In case it helps - Most recent funeral for us was over a 4 week wait. (We're in England)

Zonder · 01/09/2022 15:17

Tell your family when you're away and also for the funeral to be after that date. There is some room for negotiation when setting the date for a funeral, I have found. And if they don't take your holiday into account I think you are off the hook anyway.