Do I cancel my holiday to go to my dad's funeral?

[Maidenpink]

My relationship with my mum, dad and brother broke down around 6 or so years ago. It was a long time coming. I stopped being the one to visit and maintain connection. I decided I didn't want to keep bringing my young kids into a house with so much volatility, addiction, lack of boundaries. It was adversely affecting my mental health and ability to look after my own family. So we ended up very low contact (birthday cards only, even that dwindling). Had years of counselling. All very painful.

My dad died yesterday. My brother called me to tell me. I am booked to go on a cruise on Sunday with my husband and two kids. This is a big deal holiday for us (who are traditionally campers). We could I think claim money back via insurance (although we wouldn't get this holiday again as it was a good deal coming out of Covid). Initially I thought I had to cancel the holiday no question. But some friends have gently pointed out that I could still go. Missing his funeral wouldn't be the end of the world given our relationship had broken down and I hadn't seen or spoken to him in nearly 7 years. No date for funeral yet. It will be small, prob crematorium. It may not even be next week so I could end up cancelling for nothing anyway.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I have to decide by tomor at the latest. I realise there is no easy answer to this. Would really appreciate input from other estranged adult children.

I agree the funeral will probably not clash. Can’t you ask your family to book it for when you have returned , if you want to be there ?

A slightly different situation (okay, probably very different) but my MIL, who I adored, died (after a long illness) about ten days before I was leaving for a much anticipated long haul holiday. I assumed I'd have to cancel, but my SIL felt as I did (but hadn't voiced) that my MIL would have been devastated to have caused me to miss my holiday. So the funeral was delayed until I was back.

Please go on holiday.

I went to my DM's funeral against my better judgement and to be honest it just made me hate her more. I am still so angry at having to play the dutiful daughter to a woman who didn't even like me let alone love me.

Your DF may not even have the full thing and even if he does it will be at least in 2 weeks time.

Hello OP

My dad died earlier this year. For years I'd fantasised about not going. He was abusive throughout my life, and I had what I think was some sort of trauma bond where I could never completely break free.

When it came down to it, I attended the funeral, saw people I never wanted to see again, and it was hugely stressful.

However, it gave me the most enormous sense of closure. I can't really describe the amount of finality I experienced by attending, seeing the other people, watching him truly go for the last time, throwing some dirt into his grave.

I feel it's enabled me to have a much smaller burden in my life than I might have done.

So that's my experience. It absolutely may not be yours.

Don’t cancel your holiday.
If the relationship was broken and very low contact it was for a reason.
I didn’t go to my parents funerals, no point in turning up to be insulted or lied about again. Never regretted it.

Can you contact the crem yourself to ask when they're booking for at the moment?

I'm pretty sure I did that of my own volition when my DH died, while I was waiting for my appointment with the funeral director. Just to get a feel for the likely timing.

The funeral may not be for a few weeks. I would maybe ask for it to be arranged for when you get back.

I hated my dad but did want to go to his funeral for closure. I had my driving test on the day my sister was planning to have it. I was estranged from her- we had a big row but she actually did what I asked. I drove myself to his funeral and felt very proud. Honestly, I would have danced on his grave he was just bloody awful.

This is my view. There were probably people who thought badly of me for not attending my grandmothers funeral, but those people thought badly of me in the first place so there was no point worrying about it.

Go on holiday and tell them the dates you’ll be back. It’ll be up to them to arrange it when you’re available.

Sorry for your loss (it is a loss, regardless of your strained relationship). I agree with PP. Be upfront and contact your family and state when you will be back - unless the cruise is a month (unlikely as you have kids who should be back at school shortly) or barring any religious reasons, they can arrange the funeral slightly later.

As you were estranged I would go on the holiday. I’m no contact with one of my parents and won’t attend theirs.

They didn’t get in contact with you to say he was dying? Just that he’d died. That’s shabby unless it was an instant death.

I wouldn’t cancel the holiday at all, OP. Don’t even entertain it. Tell your brother ‘we’re back on the sixteenth. Please let me know if the date is doable we’d like to come.’

Go on holiday. the old tosser next door died - totally expected and planned for no doubt - and they only buried him a week or so ago. The backlog is considerable in England for sure - I agree it would be an idea to call local places to see when they are booking for but if your brother wants you there, then they can plan for when you are back, it will be very unlikely that it would be able to happen before you go.

Do not feel guilty, it's pointless

I'd go on the cruise, funerals to me are an utter pointless money-making scheme - would much rather when I die - they want a party at some point or went enjoyed themselves. but don't want money spent on my death.

It’s likely to be at least 2 weeks until the funeral so you should still be able to go.

In your circumstances I’d go on the holiday, you might be back in time anyway and you can always send flowers or something to be read out. It’d be different if you were close to him. Invest in your family by spending time with them on the cruise.

When FIL died, it took nearly 2 weeks to get a death certificate let alone hold a funeral. We had to go through the hospital bereavement office then the Registrar. We were very lucky that the undertaker knew we were going on holiday for a week and managed to get a crem slot the afternoon before we went away.

Go on holiday, and if you're back you're back - if you're not, so be it. I'd rather go and stand at a graveside alone than show face for the sake of it at a family gathering when you're LC.

I'm estranged from my dad (he stopped talking to me about four and a half years ago, I think because I wasn't adequately grateful for the present he'd bought for my then one year old, but I'm not sure and I only mention to illustrate there was no major event just something really petty) and I wouldn't miss a holiday for his funeral. If I'm honest it's unlikely I'd go anyway, but my responsibility is to my DH and my two DDs and not to a man that hasn't been a DF to me (or a DGF to my children) for a very long time.

Go on your cruise, raise a glass to him on the starboard bow (or whatever you do on boats) say a private goodbye to the DF you once knew but if you go you'll 100% wonder why you cancelled the holiday for what sounds like an upsetting and unsatisfactory experience.

Also if the funeral is not definitely scheduled over the holiday it almost certainly won't be covered by your insurance so you could end up cancelling, the funeral isn't during your holiday and you lose your money as well.

I am sorry for your loss though, it's a very complex thing to be bereaved when you're estranged.

When my Dad died - I'm in Central Scotland, the funeral was 6 days after he died.

A friend of mine lost his Mum last week, the funeral is tomorrow.

Under the circumstances you've outlined, I'd go on holiday

Sorry for your loss op. I’m estranged from my family & know this situation will present itself in the near future, I often run through it in my head as to what I would do. I am similar to you in that I have to be seen to be doing the right thing, it’s something that I am trying to deal with as I always regret doing it, it always involves putting everyone apart from myself first, without fail it ends up being detrimental to my mental wellbeing, I believe my actions are born out of trauma, seeking of approval, we’ll never get their approval though, never. Anyways I just wanted to echo what @mistermagpie said, it’s really OK to not go, everything mm said is spot on & I will remember this for myself. Take care op x

I would go on your holiday. You might still be able to go to the funeral when you get back, but even if so, your feelings for him are ambivalent and your sort of grief probably isn’t best served by a traditional funeral. See if you can arrange a time with someone you trust where you could light a candle, talk about the loss.

Go on holiday. Your DH and children are more important.

I'm nc with my mother and if I was in this situation I would go on holiday.

It can take.2 or more weeks for a funeral to be arranged unless Jewish or Muslim. My DDadalso passed recently and it was 23 days between death and funeral. I think yiu should go on holiday with your family anyway.

I'd go on the cruise. The funeral is likely to be delayed anyway.

🌷I'm also estranged from an abusive family (over five years) and to be honest I'm not likely to be told if there is a death. They live quite far away too. If I'm honest, I'm very sad about the way things went but I don't miss them as people. I think if one of them did die, and I happened to hear of it, I'd mark it respectfully in my own way and then move on.

I'm very sorry that you are having to deal with this - be gentle with yourself

Thank you all for your replies. I'm actually gobsmacked that the consensus is to go on holiday, given last night it was all off in my mind. I do think funerals are important for closure in some circumstances. I lost my gran a few months ago and although there was stress at that funeral I was glad to show up and say my goodbyes. But my relationship with my gran had always been good and positive so it wasn't comparable. There is a big element of this which is showing face and going through the motions, which was how my relationship with them all was at best for years before the LC/NC started. The rebellious, honest part of me wants to do what's best for me and screw all that other stuff.