Do I cancel my holiday to go to my dad's funeral?

[Maidenpink]

My relationship with my mum, dad and brother broke down around 6 or so years ago. It was a long time coming. I stopped being the one to visit and maintain connection. I decided I didn't want to keep bringing my young kids into a house with so much volatility, addiction, lack of boundaries. It was adversely affecting my mental health and ability to look after my own family. So we ended up very low contact (birthday cards only, even that dwindling). Had years of counselling. All very painful.

My dad died yesterday. My brother called me to tell me. I am booked to go on a cruise on Sunday with my husband and two kids. This is a big deal holiday for us (who are traditionally campers). We could I think claim money back via insurance (although we wouldn't get this holiday again as it was a good deal coming out of Covid). Initially I thought I had to cancel the holiday no question. But some friends have gently pointed out that I could still go. Missing his funeral wouldn't be the end of the world given our relationship had broken down and I hadn't seen or spoken to him in nearly 7 years. No date for funeral yet. It will be small, prob crematorium. It may not even be next week so I could end up cancelling for nothing anyway.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I have to decide by tomor at the latest. I realise there is no easy answer to this. Would really appreciate input from other estranged adult children.

I would say don't cancel and go on the holiday.

Like I said, contact the crem for some rough guidance on when they're booking for. They make your decision.

I also favour the "I plan to come. We'll be back from holiday on the (14th)"'without actively saying that you haven't left yet.

If they then book it before your return, you have your feelings about them confirmed. If they don't, then you'll have your holiday and still do the 'approved' thing.

Op people are saying go on holiday because they are thinking England means about a 4-6 weeks to the funeral.

I'm in the central belt the norm for funerals at the moment is about 7-10 days.

How long was it for your Grans?

Personally I'd take it up with your holiday insurance and the cruise people if you can put the holiday back.

They make your decision= THEN make your decision.

This was me 4 years ago.
Hadn't spoken to parents for 6/7 years before father died.
Family pretty toxic and I just got to a state in life where I'd had enough of all their drama. We no longer lived within a close distance of each other and phone calls were nothing but moaning so I became NC.
Can't even remember now how I was informed when he died but I didn't go to their funeral.
It isn't something I regret missing out on either if I'm honest....but I wasn't away on holiday for the funeral just didn't go.

On the other hand my FIL died a few days before we were due to go on holiday and DH and I still went away not knowing when the funeral would be. As it happens it was after we can back so didn't miss out on it.

Don't cancel. You didn't have a relationship any more, so no point. I was estranged from my father for about 12 years when he died. My Mum tried to guilt trip me into going to his funeral. I wouldn't have gone to see him if he had asked for me on his death bed, so saw no point in going to his funeral.

@Dinoteeth my gran's was super quick 6 days after she died. She was squeezed in to that date though, the alternative would've been over 2 weeks I believe. This was central belt.

I love both my parents but I wouldn't cancel a holiday to go to their funeral. My MIL delayed her husbands (dh step dad) for eight weeks as she wanted to go to a wedding abroad/trip of a lifetime.
She had to pay extra to store him but she said she had to go as now she was now going for the both of them and how else would he see what was happening if she didn't look.

I would go on holiday with the family who you love and who loves you back. Make peace with your dads passing in your own time

Op I think it is significant that you were not told he was dying, and was not given the choice to say goodbye. How do you feel about that?
I am wondering why you were not told he was seriously ill for ages/and dying but they felt that you should be called and told when he had actually died? Depending on that their reasons, which may be valid (ie he died very quickly) How are you going to be treated at the funeral if you were to go? With kindness and compassion?

Do you need the closure?

The shock of the news means you really need to buy a little time here and not make any quick decisions or commit to doing anything just yet, because of the shock and taking some time to consider what closure feels like to you. Can you speak to your counsellor and have a phone call with her? Talk this through slowly, think it through carefully.

I am in a similar place with one of my parents. I would go on the holiday, spend some quiet time processing away from everything. I would probably go to the service but not the wake in your place.

If you feel that is not what you want to do, then mark it in your own way, you don't need to follow other people's expectations or judgements. Most people will understand there is much more to it op. This is not about other people, this is about you now. Your Dad also knew he was ill and made a decision not to get in contact I assume from what you said. So do what is best for you now, and look after yourself.

I think you maybe need to make up your mind if you want to go.
Will it make a difference to your relationships with the rest of the family for better or worse?

Once you know that you can then decide to cancel or not. But remember lots will be thinking the funeral will be weeks away and in Scotland they just aren't. The longest I've waited is 3 weeks and that had police involvement.

I was going to say if you're in Scotland, then there doesn't seem to be the same delay to get slots in crematoria - funerals are often within a week. My mum's funeral was a week after she died - and my dad booked a double slot at the crematorium (near Clydebank) and delayed it slightly to allow mum's sister to get over from Australia. MIL's funeral (in Glasgow) was also a straight week after she died. Both deaths were anticipated, so no PM). Ds' best friend's mum has just died (cancer ) and although there was more than a week's gap, it wasn't significantly so.

But I see you are in Scotland .

But I still think you should go on your holiday - your living (close) family are your priority. You were estranged anyway from your dad.

Also, if your dad died suddenly, there will need to be a post mortem, so that will delay things further.

You can let your relatives know the dates you are away. If they want you there, they'll delay it for you. Don't feel guilty.

Go and enjoy your holiday of a lifetime

I wouldn't go,

just tell your family if they ask - you will be making peace and saying goodbye in your own way and that doesn't include mourning at his funeral

Sadly your family haven't given you the support you need in the past and are not their to tell you to not worry as your father has passed and will not know - but everyone here - strangers on the internet are saying live your life and go on holiday

I would ask your brother to make the funeral when you are back from your holiday, if they decide to go ahead whilst you are there, that needs to be factored in as well. Only you can decide whether you wish to go (and it should come your own decision, and not social expectation)

Try to run through both scenarios in your mind, which one feels right?

I hadn’t seen my father for 5 years when he died.
Didnt go to the funeral, no regrets at all

Thanks @Festoonlights , no my dad made no attempt to contact me. I think it's important to remind myself that there is more than one person in the relationship and the work should be 50/50. Realising that was a big moment for me in therapy. He has been dying a slow, protracted death for years, in and out of hospital, killing himself from being unable to change his ways.

Alternatively

you can let your relations know that you are not able to attend a funeral until x date and leave it to them to decide whether they hold off on the date of the funeral - if you are worried about feeling guilty - as that takes those choices out of your hands

Don't cancel

The holiday is more important for your family and you will be inflicting unnecessary pain on yourself if you go.
If you want to, think about him and any happy times if there were any, at the time of the funeral.

That's all you need to do

remind myself that there is more than one person in the relationship and the work should be 50/50

a parent child relationship is not 50/50, the parent should be taking the burden of the responsibility of the relationship and not the offspring

Okay so he made the decision for you in some ways op. So now you absolutely have the green light to make the decision based totally on your own feelings and nothing else. Relationships should always be two ways, and if he felt at peace to leave things where they were, then you can find that peace and acceptance too, remember that op.
Sometimes we have to accept things as they are, and be glad for the love we do have in our own world.

I am really sorry you are going through this, truly. Nothing really prepares for you for the shock of the news.

You did the right thing protecting your children, hold on to that.

My dfs funeral took nearly a month to sort.
Go on your cruise and get some precious family time.
My df passed and we went on holiday a week later. We planned it around that.

Go and toast him on your first night.

and then move on

I went to my mum's funeral but I wouldn't have cancelled a holiday for it! I would have been gutted if I had, because it was a bunch of bullshit about what a great mother she was. I didn't even recognise the person they were talking about!

Go and enjoy your holiday.

Don’t cancel! I agree with pp who said to inform your family that you’re unavailable until x date and leave the ball in their court.

@ivykaty44 I've just sent a message saying that - when I'm away, we could come if it's arranged for after that, understand if that's not possible.

Re the 50/50 thing ... that obv doesn't stand if one person is a child, it was in reference to adult relationships.