Do I cancel my holiday to go to my dad's funeral?

[Maidenpink]

My relationship with my mum, dad and brother broke down around 6 or so years ago. It was a long time coming. I stopped being the one to visit and maintain connection. I decided I didn't want to keep bringing my young kids into a house with so much volatility, addiction, lack of boundaries. It was adversely affecting my mental health and ability to look after my own family. So we ended up very low contact (birthday cards only, even that dwindling). Had years of counselling. All very painful.

My dad died yesterday. My brother called me to tell me. I am booked to go on a cruise on Sunday with my husband and two kids. This is a big deal holiday for us (who are traditionally campers). We could I think claim money back via insurance (although we wouldn't get this holiday again as it was a good deal coming out of Covid). Initially I thought I had to cancel the holiday no question. But some friends have gently pointed out that I could still go. Missing his funeral wouldn't be the end of the world given our relationship had broken down and I hadn't seen or spoken to him in nearly 7 years. No date for funeral yet. It will be small, prob crematorium. It may not even be next week so I could end up cancelling for nothing anyway.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I have to decide by tomor at the latest. I realise there is no easy answer to this. Would really appreciate input from other estranged adult children.

My mum lived in Glasgow (I'm in England), we had the funeral within a week. That was 4 years ago, death certificate was issued very quickly

Another one here saying go on your family holiday.
Even if the funeral date is after your return, only go if you feel you want to not because you think you should. In your circumstances I think it is entirely reasonable for you to not want to go, especially if you want to continue to remain low contact with your mum and brother.
Go on the cruise and enjoy your holiday with your DH and children, taking time out for yourself if needed. 💐

Don't cancel. When my Mil died because if various complications we weren't free to attend a funeral for several weeks. The family just organised the funeral for when we were able to attend. There was a two week waiting list for a crematorium slot anyway.

Given the context, I think I'd go on the holiday to spend time with my loved ones. If you happen to be back from holiday when the funeral takes place, then you can make a decision on it at that point x

Yes, definitely go on the holiday. You'd be unlikely to miss the funeral anyway even if you do.

But to answer, I wouldn't cancel the holiday.
My mum was a difficult character. I was actually the only person she was on speaking terms with at the time of her death. It was just my husband, my brother my dad (they had been separated for 15 years) and my dad's brother. We had no speeches etc, just some silence then had dinner later.
If I'd had a holiday booked it would either have fitted around it or I wouldn't have attended.

If you're just going to go and stand at the back and leave immediately at the end, is there any point missing an amazing family holiday that you've presumably all been looking forward to?
I say this with kindness because my sibling died and I don't/didn't have contact with them or any of my family and I would've been the same so didn't go.
What sealed the deal was when I was thinking that the other people there would think badly of me for not being there - I remembered that they always thought badly of me anyway and that's why I went no contact. So I didn't go. I had already grieved for my sibling before they died so, it was ok in the end.

Go on the holiday, please!

@Maidenpink
Sorry for loss of your Dad
When our Dad died, it was 3 weeks later, maybe longer, that his funeral was held.

In your circumstances I would go on holiday and spend lovely time with your DH and DC. A friend's family member passed away a couple of weeks ago and the funeral isn't until next week (Liverpool area) so there's a good chance it won't be until after you get back anyway.

A different circumstance as we've been estranged almost my whole life, but I wouldn't go to my own Dad's funeral, unless my half-brother especially wanted me to be there for him, given we have no other siblings.

In your situation, you let your brother know the dates you will be away and then it's up to them as to when they book the funeral for. Assuming you're not away for more than a couple of weeks.

Or if you really don't want to go wait until they tell you the date and say 'oh I'd no idea it would be so soon, unfortunately I'm away then'.

Go on your cruise, if you dad and family are nice people they'd encourage you to go, if they give you abuse for it, they aren't nice - so go on the cruise as they aren't worth your time.

Go on the holiday, make sure your mum knows when you will be back. Sorry to read of your loss.

I would go on the holiday. Tell your brother you would like to come to the funeral if possible, but you’re away on these dates.

We’re in England, but when my dad died a few years ago, people told me we’d done well to get a funeral date within three weeks!

I'd be telling your brother that you'd like to attend and you'll be back from your holiday on x date, obviously you appreciate they may not be able to accommodate this and understand if for some reason the funeral has to take place while you're away.

None of my fathers 4 kids went to his funeral as he was a vicious nasty piece of work. None of us are sorry we didnt go.

Go go go.

I agree with PPs that the funeral is likely to be in two weeks' time. If he;s a reasonable man, contact your brother and say you really want to attend but can't get away until X date, so if it is possible to set the date for the funeral after then, you would be grateful. If he is also difficult to deal with, say nothing and just hope that the date given is one you can make.

Generally, I think it is better to attend the funeral, even ofa parent you have very difficult feelings about. It is an important transition in your relationship with them and one you can't return to if you miss it.

Exactly this. Ime 3-4 weeks is typical for a crem service atm. You won't feel any better for cancelling and awaiting a delayed service.

I've been NC with my mother for 10 years. I won't be going to her funeral either way but I definitely wouldn't cancel this holiday for it.

Go on the holiday, and if you miss the official funeral hold your own memorial when you return. Do something that's meaningful to you.
Weddings and funerals are often stressful when you have a troubled family. It makes no sense to be sucked back into difficult relationships and drama.

in England, I think 3 weeks at the minimum for a funeral but I don’t know about Scotland. I wouldn’t cancel the cruise op. Take care.

I was on holiday when my mother, from whom I was also estranged, died. I didn't return and have never felt any guilt about it. I also didn't care about other people's opinions as my mental health was more important. Go on your cruise.

I'm so sorry, I hope you're doing OK. A bereavement under more complicated circumstances can bring up really difficult emotions.

Another one here saying it's unlikely that the funeral will take place that quickly. Tell your brother you'd like to attend and when you're back. They will absolutely be allowed to wait for you to return. If they choose not to, your conscience is clear - you say you're worried what people will think, you can tell them your estranged family deliberately organised the funeral and refused to wait (if that's what happens).

Also, being very brutal and frank here - who do you care more about keeping happy? Your estranged family and a bunch of distant relatives or your husband and kids? Is the disappointment of your children worth it, just to ensure a bunch of random folk think better of you?

I don't mean that to sound harsh. I'm a people pleaser and sometimes I have to think of things in the most basic way to figure out my priorities.

Also, in the gentlest possible way - your dad is gone now. Your children and husband are here and it sounds like this holiday would mean a lot to you all. Even if you had a wonderful relationship with your dad, there's not really any point prioritising the dead to the detriment of the living. This made me think of Bowel Babe, Deborah James. Her brother had a pre-booked big trip to the USA a few days before she died. She insisted that he went and told him not to cancel it and come back for any reason. I cannot even begin to think how hard that good bye must have been. Broke me just thinking about it all. But I think that principle is really relevant for you. Your relationship with your dad was distant, and cancelling your holiday wouldn't achieve anything.

I say all this as someone who has also lost her dad. My dad had a tough relationship with his siblings and they didn't tell him that his mum had died until a few days before he was due to fly out to Israel to live in a kibbutz for six months. He was seeing his mum regularly but she had a nasty dementia type illness and died very suddenly. My dad still went to Israel. He was desperately sad to miss her funeral but there was no point changing all his plans. He said his own private goodbye to her.

Sorry for long answer, but there are just so many reasons why you should absolutely go on the holiday if you feel able to.

I would also go on this holiday.