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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bl0ody ghosted :-(

356 replies

Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 13:04

Can’t quite believe I’m writing this. But met a man (43) on OLD a month ago. Instant chemistry, lots of flirting, took me out for my birthday and said all the right things. He called throughout the week and was actively pursuing me and making arrangements.

Niggly feelings were telling me that he was rather bitter about a ‘witch’ of an ex wife amongst other things so I was cautiously optimistic and not getting too excited. He was highly attractive if not a little ‘wounded’. Ex forces if that’s relevant.

We spent the weekend together last week - him driving an hour to my place. He insisted I head to his in the evening so he could cook. He did. I left first thing in the morning and….

I’ve not heard from him since.

Total crickets.

I’m a big girl in my thirties and haven’t and will definitely not be reaching out. But frankly I feel sick that a 43-year-old man could pull this. Ok after a couple of dates (even though that’s not great) but after having a level of intimacy? I’m shell shocked, even despite my reservations about the bloke.

I know it’s not me it’s him yada yada yada but honestly I feel sick and shaken by this. I know in my gut I won’t hear from him again. And by this stage I don’t want to.

Can anyone help me feel remotely ok again about this? Need some viper treatment.

OP posts:
CallmeMrsPricklepants · 31/08/2022 13:07

I'd say he's married, the ex isn't an ex and wherever you went it just wasn't their family home

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 31/08/2022 13:10

He’s an arsehole. Better to find out now.
You know where he lives so you can always post worms through his letterbox 😉

Pineappleskies · 31/08/2022 13:11

I'm not sure why a pp said he was married. Single men are perfectly capable of this behaviour.

Anyway, the most useful thing is spend time understanding what strings and triggers in you he pulled. This will make you more self aware and less susceptible.

In saying this, it's not that you bear responsibility for his behaviour or have done anything wrong, but you are responsible for protecting yourself in the future and it may be there were certain traits or tendencies or beliefs you had that you can be more aware of.

That said, we can never change others. He's a deceiver and manipulator and was always going to do this. Sad.

TheDuchessOfMN · 31/08/2022 13:13

But did you contact him? He could equally say that you’ve ghosted him

Westernesse · 31/08/2022 13:25

So from Monday morning it’s now Wednesday lunchtime. You’ve not messaged him but he is “ghosting” you?

funny to see some of the posts about how men are “capable of this behaviour”.

it might all just be fine and he has simply been a bit busy.

JenGin · 31/08/2022 13:29

I'm assuming you had sex when you stayed over? So the obvious answer could be that he "got want he wanted" and moved on which would make him a total arsehole but certainly not uncommon.

It could also be that he's genuinely thinking the same about you and wondering why you've not contacted him either. The longer you both leave it the less likely either of you will make contact again.

Just send him a message saying you had a nice time and ask how he is?

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 13:36

@Westernesse nope. Left on Sunday morning. It’s Wednesday. Crickets.

I’ve already said that I won’t be reaching out first. I visited his home twice in the month and he most certainly wasn’t married. Very bitterly divorced in fact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 13:39

@JenGin yes. We’d had sex before the time I stayed over on the weekend. That wasn’t my first time at his.

OP posts:
Dinoswearunderpants · 31/08/2022 13:41

It's so clear that the wife was away for the weekend and you were an easy lay. Sorry if that sounds harsh but that's exactly what happened.

BoredWithLife · 31/08/2022 13:42

I'm struggling with why you care who "reaches out first" - if you want a relationship with him, message him, if you don't carry on ghosting him.

JenGin · 31/08/2022 13:42

Why are you so set against sending him a message first?

Isittrueornot · 31/08/2022 13:42

Why would you not message him to say you had a lovely evening? He probably thinks your ghosting him.

This is rather silly, just message him and stop playing games, then you’ll know if your ghosted- don’t just guess when you haven’t messaged either.

goldfinchonthelawn · 31/08/2022 13:46

If you stayed over at his, I would expect you to be the one to send the first message saying thanks for cooking, it was delicious etc. Just out of politeness if nothing else. If he then didn't reply to you that would be ghosting.

I'd send him a short text saying thank you for dinner and maybe some jokey reference to something that happened that night.
He could be thinking - bloody hell, I go to all the trouble of cooking and we have a great night, then she doesn't even text a two word thank you.

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 13:47

@Dinoswearunderpants sorry to burst your bubble but I saw him plenty of times during the week and even worked from his house on one occasion. Not a trace of a woman living there. He also spent time with me during the week.

To go from contacting me after every meeting ro then suddenly not doing so is not my cue to contact him first. If he wanted to he would have done! Because he did so before

OP posts:
Naimee87 · 31/08/2022 13:48

Not that its a lot of comfort and if he has ghosted be happy its early days, i’m over a year in with a man(exclusive FWB arrangement which we had agreed on ages ago or at least i thought we had) who went on holiday two weeks ago gave me no signs whatsoever of us slowing things down, i actually trusted him, and not heard anything. Texts are not even being delivered on whatsapp…its just a shit feeling when its such a shock. Hope you’re doing alright! You aren’t alone, seems to happen all the time and i think women can be just as bad to(might get flamed for that) 😬😂

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 13:48

@goldfinchonthelawn fair point, but he hadn't thanked me for hosting him the day before either!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 13:50

@Naimee87 i’m so sorry! Blocking you is such a weak thing to do. Perhaps there was a reason you didn’t see him as a proper boyfriend…

OP posts:
forgotoldusername · 31/08/2022 13:52

@Cherrycokefiend I hate how these threads always end up with many saying "YOU contact him". You know his communication pattern and a man who wants you would have messaged you. I'm OLD and men with different personalities behave the exact same way when they really want you. He's lost interest, that's what's happened. The reason(s) are irrelevant.

Be sad, scream, cry and then pick yourself up and move on. Nothing else you can do unfortunately. Delete his number and go back online. I found quite some nice men on hinge (I'm cautiously optimistic at this point on one)

Youaremysunshine14 · 31/08/2022 13:52

He hosted you all weekend and you didn't send a text after leaving to thank him? Yet apparently he's in the wrong for ghosting you? Confused I think you need to work on your own communication before calling out his.

Youaremysunshine14 · 31/08/2022 13:53

(Except you don't know for sure he's ghosting.)

catlovingdoctor · 31/08/2022 13:53

You left first thing after spending the night together...maybe he thinks you're not interested?..

Naimee87 · 31/08/2022 13:54

His photo still appears in whatsapp but i really think i must be blocked... no excuse in the world for not having your phone on for two weeks. Whether i will get any answers i have no idea.

It hasnt been that long since you saw/contacted each other but i know what you mean by knowing in your gut you wont hear from them again same here. And for context im 35 he is 45... shocking!

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 13:56

@Youaremysunshine14 did you bother to read the bit where I said I hosted him one evening and he hosted me the other one? Back in your box!

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 31/08/2022 13:58

I also agree that unless you contact him and he ignores you you can't conclude he is ghosting you. Because he is doing the exact same thing that you are. Perhaps he does not have rigid gender stereotypes in his head which dictate to him that the man should make contact first......

Youaremysunshine14 · 31/08/2022 13:58

Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 13:56

@Youaremysunshine14 did you bother to read the bit where I said I hosted him one evening and he hosted me the other one? Back in your box!

Back in my box? Well aren't you a peach. I'm starting to think he's the one who's had a lucky escape.