Bl0ody ghosted :-(

[Cherrycokefiend]

Can’t quite believe I’m writing this. But met a man (43) on OLD a month ago. Instant chemistry, lots of flirting, took me out for my birthday and said all the right things. He called throughout the week and was actively pursuing me and making arrangements.

Niggly feelings were telling me that he was rather bitter about a ‘witch’ of an ex wife amongst other things so I was cautiously optimistic and not getting too excited. He was highly attractive if not a little ‘wounded’. Ex forces if that’s relevant.

We spent the weekend together last week - him driving an hour to my place. He insisted I head to his in the evening so he could cook. He did. I left first thing in the morning and….

I’ve not heard from him since.

Total crickets.

I’m a big girl in my thirties and haven’t and will definitely not be reaching out. But frankly I feel sick that a 43-year-old man could pull this. Ok after a couple of dates (even though that’s not great) but after having a level of intimacy? I’m shell shocked, even despite my reservations about the bloke.

I know it’s not me it’s him yada yada yada but honestly I feel sick and shaken by this. I know in my gut I won’t hear from him again. And by this stage I don’t want to.

Can anyone help me feel remotely ok again about this? Need some viper treatment.

It is conditioning, very much so. So that’s just the women that you know. Lots of women that I know, including myself, actively pursued their partners that we are now with. It wasn’t stalking either. Its just that I didn’t hang around waiting to be texted/called first, if I wanted to be doing something. Who has time for games?! I am not saying I haven’t had rejection. because I definitely have, but then I probably dodged a few bullets in my life because I don’t want to be spending any of my time with Neanderthals.

Maybe what you say was true during prehistoric times, but fortunately times have moved on and it really doesn’t need to be this way, any more.

I’m not sure why you have posted this, unless it is just for confirmation. Several posters have suggested that you contact him, but you have been defensive and frankly rude in return.

OP, if you really liked this man, isn’t it worth putting your pride in your pocket and texting him along the lines that people have suggested? It’s always easy to think the worst of people, to avoid being hurt by just running in the opposite direction, but that’s a self fulfilling prophecy. If he doesn’t reply, what have you lost? Not any measure of self respect, because you were behaving sensibly. If he thinks you are an idiot for texting him , so what? You won’t know, and even if he replied telling you to FO , that’s his bad behaviour, not yours.

I hope it works out for you.

OP I'm sorry you are receiving such ridiculous responses! No reason to expect this behaviour but at least you know that he's a coward who can't face sending an honest message to say he doesn't want to continue.
It's crappy and hurtful but at least it's early days, kids unaware etc.
Don't let this man put you off.

Need some viper treatment

What does this mean?

If it means you need some truths, then I beg to differ, the rude way you are responding to people, especially @Youaremysunshine14

Grow up and contact him if you are that bothered - "viper" enough reply for you?🙄

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking

i am being very clear.

I’d had sex with this man before the night in question. I happened to stay over at his the last time I saw/heard from him. It wasn’t the first time I had stayed at his home.

@HowzAboutIt thanks for your comment. Plenty viper-y thanks.

i did say I had doubts about him. I also said I wouldn’t be reaching out. If that makes me rude then sobeit.

@Cherrycokefiend

I agree that you should be able to have sex and be treated with curtesy afterwards, but unfortunately, this often isn't the case.

Personally, I don't think that you can really know someone after 4 weeks. I think it's different if it's someone you knew before you start dating, but online dating is a whole different ball game. You are meeting total strangers.

Of course men will pretend to be into you if they are looking for sex. They know that they are highly unlikely to get any if they're honest about wanting a casual fling. It's the oldest trick in the book

@Wakinguptooearly thank you! Feel like I’m getting yelled at for having the audacity not to text a man first.

I wasn’t alive during prehistoric times. I think we will have to agree to disagree here.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen all I have said is that I won’t be contacting him first - despite the very logical and well thought out points on this thread. All of which I have given consideration to.

I dont get why people think you should be texting him though? If prior to this he has been messaging you then you would expect same level of contact.Maybe hes got cold feet and is scared of commitment.Some guys in their 40s seem to think they have a second wind of their youth and go on dating sites a lot,only to flee like the wind the second they feel a commitment to someone!

Fair enough

If I was dating a woman and I always had to make the first move then I'd have certainly noticed by a month in and I'd be done. It's draining. At what point would you feel it's OK to reach out first? Two months in, three? When you've moved in together perhaps? I can see you sitting in bed in silence waiting for your partner to say something, because god forbid you initiate the conversation!

@fdgdfgdfgdfg that’s a funny image. I’ve never been good at sitting still! 😆

@dottiedodah

thank you! My sentiment entirely

@Cherrycokefiend

"i am being very clear."

No you're not

"I’d had sex with this man before the night in question. I happened to stay over at his the last time I saw/heard from him. It wasn’t the first time I had stayed at his home."

OK so the guy decided not to contact you. You can't do anything about that. So just move on and stop giving him headspace.
You hardly know this guy.
He's still screwed up about his ex-wife. He told you that.

Just move on. I bet he isn't having all this angst over a women he hardly knows.

Also just wondering why you left first thing in the morning? If he said he was going out or something would be a little suspicious ,surely expect to spend day together? Apologies if not the case

I think the OP @Cherrycokefiend has been clear.

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking. Regardless of whether I’ve been ‘clear’ or not my feelings have been hurt. Please respect that.

@dottiedodah because I had a gym class to go to! A friend of mine thought this would have put him out, but given the ‘relationship’ was in its early stages I decided to honour the commitment. Plus I love the gym 🙃

As the woman I don’t pursue. I certainly don’t pursue a man who had (up until that point) been instigating everything with me.

So men must pursue and women must succumb. Emily Pankhurst is flipping in her grave as we speak.

@SpinCityBlues thanks for the backing. At this point I feel like I’ve been forensic in explaining the brief tawdry details of this month-long thing and yet still being misunderstood.

But i have found this to be the case as well, where you get used to a certain way of texting with someone. So when it changes without warning its more often than not a sign that something else has changed for them as well. I think but feel free to correct me this is what @Cherrycokefiend is referring to. Seems im realising it the very very hard way from great texts to 0. And im definitely totally invested. I am not sure who posted i agree if men are keen they get in touch and dont leave you hanging and left confused. Everyone knows this is one of the shittest ways to make anyone feel.

@Youaremysunshine14 sorry, Emily. It’s a personal boundary of mine. I’m not expecting everyone to follow the same approach. Different folks, different strokes.

i knew he’d lost interest. My gut told me.

But that's my point! You don't know for sure that he has lost interest. Maybe I'm being naive but he could be busy with work/be sick/have a family emergency or maybe he's just waiting to see if you're keen enough to instigate contact with him. By stubbornly refusing to reach out to him, you could be letting something amazing slip away. Don't you want to know for sure it's dead in the water? I would, regardless of whether I got properly ghosted as a result. I hate what ifs!