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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bl0ody ghosted :-(

356 replies

Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 13:04

Can’t quite believe I’m writing this. But met a man (43) on OLD a month ago. Instant chemistry, lots of flirting, took me out for my birthday and said all the right things. He called throughout the week and was actively pursuing me and making arrangements.

Niggly feelings were telling me that he was rather bitter about a ‘witch’ of an ex wife amongst other things so I was cautiously optimistic and not getting too excited. He was highly attractive if not a little ‘wounded’. Ex forces if that’s relevant.

We spent the weekend together last week - him driving an hour to my place. He insisted I head to his in the evening so he could cook. He did. I left first thing in the morning and….

I’ve not heard from him since.

Total crickets.

I’m a big girl in my thirties and haven’t and will definitely not be reaching out. But frankly I feel sick that a 43-year-old man could pull this. Ok after a couple of dates (even though that’s not great) but after having a level of intimacy? I’m shell shocked, even despite my reservations about the bloke.

I know it’s not me it’s him yada yada yada but honestly I feel sick and shaken by this. I know in my gut I won’t hear from him again. And by this stage I don’t want to.

Can anyone help me feel remotely ok again about this? Need some viper treatment.

OP posts:
SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 14:55

If men want to contact you, they do - they make it happen. If they don’t, they don’t.

The same can be said about women though.

If she is interested she will contact you.
If you’ve not heard from her she has no interest.

If OP messaged him and then he didn’t respond, then yes he’d not be interested but you can’t claim someone isn’t interested if you’re doing the exact same thing.

IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 14:59

I have seen this so many times with friends. Young. Slightly older, gorgeous funny nice people. There’s no point in making contact. It was always the plan on their part they had no intention of getting to know the woman.

I agree that him hating his ex is something that should never be ignored.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 31/08/2022 15:01

@MondaysChild7

"Can I just also say that if he’s still really wound up and bitter about his ex-wife then he certainly isn’t in a position to be starting out afresh with someone new."

This 100% ^^

He isn't relationship material at the moment.

Wouldloveanother · 31/08/2022 15:06

SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 14:55

If men want to contact you, they do - they make it happen. If they don’t, they don’t.

The same can be said about women though.

If she is interested she will contact you.
If you’ve not heard from her she has no interest.

If OP messaged him and then he didn’t respond, then yes he’d not be interested but you can’t claim someone isn’t interested if you’re doing the exact same thing.

This just isn’t what 30 years of anecdotal experience tells me though.

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 15:07

Thanks for all the comments - even the negative ones!

I respectfully disagree that I should have played it different/am being hostile or playing a game. As the woman I don’t pursue. I certainly don’t pursue a man who had (up until that point) been instigating everything with me. I didn’t owe him a thank you text when the behaviour he showed me mirrored the behaviour I had shown him the night before. You may disagree, but I didn’t owe this man a ‘thank you’.

I also take the point that perhaps he was expecting me to make the first move, but, again, if he wanted to hear from me he would have made it happen! Grateful to the posters who can see this.

He told me he was looking to build something meaningful with someone. His behaviour, whilst sexual, led me to believe that this was true. We did proper ‘dates’ like dinner, wild swimming, dog walks.

What gave me pause was his shady comments about his ex wife and the drama that seemed to surround him. That probably influenced my decision not to reach out. My gut was off.

So to those of you implying that I’m some sort of easy lay, please check yourselves. This man drove an hour to come walk my dog with me for goodness sake. Forgive me for not thinking he was a creep and that I might have heard from him since Sunday!

OP posts:
Wouldloveanother · 31/08/2022 15:09

A dog walk is a proper date?! Don’t tell the male population of POF that!

Sandra1984 · 31/08/2022 15:10

I believe you guys got “cozy” a bit too soon and all of a sudden he saw himself in a “relationship” and he’s just reconsidering if that’s what he wants so if I were you I would give the guy some space and do “my thing”. If after a week you haven’t heard from him send him a sweet short message in the lines of “happy Monday! How are you doing?”, see how he responds. Don’t be pushy or angry with him (after all he owes you nothing and he may feel more pressured).

I would have the “are we exclusive?” Conversation after 3 months of dating him. Right now you’re just dating and he’s figuring out if a relationship with you is what he wants.

Beamur · 31/08/2022 15:10

I hate ghosting. It's so lazy and disrespectful.
It also leaves you second guessing your own abilities to spot a wrong un.

PenguinIce · 31/08/2022 15:11

Although unlikely, maybe something has happened to him. If u really like him it might be worth one text and see if u get a reply. Real shitty thing for him to do though if he has ghosted you.

wayfarer46 · 31/08/2022 15:13

Maybe he got tired of reaching out first, maybe he feels like he is the only one putting effort into keeping the communication going.

birthdaygirl29 · 31/08/2022 15:13

OP it's horrible when you're so into someone and they suddenly lose interest.

I am having a really shit week as it's happening to me, guy I've been talking to for 3 months has most definitely started pulling back and also completely ignored my birthday this week.

I feel sad, humiliated, sick and I don't know how to feel better. I feel like closing myself off forever seriously.

Hadalifeonce · 31/08/2022 15:14

I often see threads where the OP has had a few dates, seen each other for a few weeks/months; they have sex and bloke disappears. I find it quite sad that someone invests in what they hope will be a relationship, but to the bloke it's just a way to get a shag

MidnightMeltdown · 31/08/2022 15:18

Here we go again. Another one falling into the trap.

There have been loads of threads like this lately. They are all the same. Women sleeps with man after knowing him for only a few weeks, and then is shocked and upset when she never hears from him again.

I'm not saying that every man is like this, but there are A LOT of them.

If you don't like being treated this way, then wait before having sex. Be sure that he's committed and the one for you. Despite what they may make you think, men don't wither away and die if they don't have sex for a few months.

It shouldn't have to be like this but unfortunately, women make it too easy for men to get away with this type of behaviour, so it's becoming more and more common.

keylink · 31/08/2022 15:26

You've only known him a month? At least there won't be much of an emotional connection after such a short time.

If you're certain he's ghosting, following usual patterns of behaviour, then don't bother to contact him and dust yourself down and carry on. Doesn't sound like unusual behaviour for online dating.

SquirrelSoShiny · 31/08/2022 15:27

Yes it's annoying to see these threads in the sense that both men and women seem to want to have decent relationships but somehow the right people never seem to line up and meet each other!

EleanorShellstrop28 · 31/08/2022 15:28

"This man drove an hour to come walk my dog with me for goodness sake."

Yet you can't even be bothered to send him a text?

Honestly, he probably feels that you don't give a shit as he's doing all the running, and you're proving him right.

I feel quite sorry for him. It sounds like he really made an effort but you just want to be chased?

keylink · 31/08/2022 15:29

Instant chemistry, lots of flirting, took me out for my birthday and said all the right things.

Isn't that classic love bombing? That would put me right off.

Aria999 · 31/08/2022 15:29

You will feel bad if it turns out he was in hospital or something.

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 15:31

@MidnightMeltdown i take your point, but you’re implying naivety on my part. He was consistent and the dates felt like they had momentum. There were several dates AFTER the sex. I didn’t get ditched after a one-off and I’m sure the same is true for many women posting similar threads. Sadly I can believe there are women who have been ghosted after doing the deed. Happened to me in my 20s.

Getting a man to commit before sex doesn’t guarantee that he won’t be a jerk! And frankly, sometimes you want to have sex and gasp be treated with courtesy afterwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 15:32

@EleanorShellstrop28 you’ve made your point. I respectfully disagree with it.

OP posts:
vjg13 · 31/08/2022 15:34

I think he'll probably get back in touch in a few weeks with a ridiculous excuse about this week's lack of contact.

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 15:35

@EleanorShellstrop28 we also lived an hour away from one another and I drove to him. so I would argue that I made plenty of effort back! Think you’ve assumed that he only came to me but that wasn’t the case.

OP posts:
vjg13 · 31/08/2022 15:35

Do you think he was seeing other people at the same time as you? That would be a likely explanation too.

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 15:36

@vjg13 yes, it’s quite likely

OP posts:
Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 31/08/2022 15:40

OP,
You said;
"I left first thing in the morning and….
I’ve not heard from him since."
(First post)

Now you are saying ;

"There were several dates AFTER the sex."

(24 hours later)

If you want clear answers please make yourself clear otherwise you are ting the time of people who are trying to help you.