Bl0ody ghosted :-(

[Cherrycokefiend]

Can’t quite believe I’m writing this. But met a man (43) on OLD a month ago. Instant chemistry, lots of flirting, took me out for my birthday and said all the right things. He called throughout the week and was actively pursuing me and making arrangements.

Niggly feelings were telling me that he was rather bitter about a ‘witch’ of an ex wife amongst other things so I was cautiously optimistic and not getting too excited. He was highly attractive if not a little ‘wounded’. Ex forces if that’s relevant.

We spent the weekend together last week - him driving an hour to my place. He insisted I head to his in the evening so he could cook. He did. I left first thing in the morning and….

I’ve not heard from him since.

Total crickets.

I’m a big girl in my thirties and haven’t and will definitely not be reaching out. But frankly I feel sick that a 43-year-old man could pull this. Ok after a couple of dates (even though that’s not great) but after having a level of intimacy? I’m shell shocked, even despite my reservations about the bloke.

I know it’s not me it’s him yada yada yada but honestly I feel sick and shaken by this. I know in my gut I won’t hear from him again. And by this stage I don’t want to.

Can anyone help me feel remotely ok again about this? Need some viper treatment.

@Cherrycokefiend I agree with you 100%. I don’t chase either. He had an established communication style and seemed to pull back. The answer is never to take a step closer when people pull back.

I think you’re saving yourself a lot of heartache and trouble. Imagine if you had been super invested and he did this? Yikes!

Good for you for having your own boundaries and expectations… also good for you that you won’t let anyone else make you lower them. I think some people get big mad when they see someone knowing their worth and sticking to what they personally want.

You saved yourself some time and he can go be bitters somewhere else…

I'm so confused 🙈 you've ghosted each other, he hasn't just ghosted you. Ghosting is not replying to the last communication. In your situation the last communication was in person and neither of you have responded to it.

You have a point. Technically I think you’re right.

But I guess it’s more about of a ghosting of interest.

He isn’t showing up. He did before, but now he isn’t there.

Its not ghosting each other because he hasn’t contacted her. She would have been receptive to his usual line of communication.

I mean.., we can at least agree that she has boundaries and expectations that this man is not meeting. Good for her for having her standards and not lowering them!

Initially I thought you were in the wrong i.e. you both ghosted each other, and I strongly disagree with the bit about the woman's job is to be pursued or whatever it was - no no no.

BUT! Having read your post again I think you are right OP. He had been in contact loads in the run up. He hasn't bothered since. Even if you were being unreasonable in not following up (which you are not) if he was decent he would have checked in.

Look on the bright side - you had some fun and it has not gone too far. Also fair play to you for not making excuses or mooning over him.

I agree with you OP. I wouldn't message. I have always been the one to send a thank you message the next day and then come the barrage of excuses as to why there are no more dates. Or an arrangement made and broken on their behalf because they were never really interested. If I meet someone again I'll be doing just the same as you. Thank them at the time but will wait for that message to arrange the another meeting. If they're keen then you know.

I have just skim read the whole thread and was also confused. There has been no ghosting here, ghosting is when your communication is ignored. It seems after the last meeting, both parties decided that was it. Absolutely no ghosting, just a mutual but unspoken decision to call it a day.

If you want to communicate with him again, text him. If you want nothing more to do with him, don't text him. Seems fairly clear.

I posted my support of the OP a while back, and I reiterate that she is doing the right thing IMO, and I would do the same, ie not reach out to this man at all.

Some can call it pursuing or chasing someone; I would say that now it would look a bit desperate, again IMO.

So good for you OP, for staying true to your gut feelings.

Thanks for all the messages of support. I won’t be adding more to this thread, but just a few final thoughts:

• a woman isn’t stupid/lacking in self esteem if she likes someone after spending a period of time with a man

• i don’t like making the first move with men until we’re all in/committed. I fully respect other women have made their moves first but I’m not other women. I go by the mantra ‘if he wants to, he will’

• I trust my gut. I encourage other people to do the same. Again, I don’t feel the need to justify why my feelings were hurt on this occasion. Kinder posters appear to get this 100%

• i consider a change in communication style/dropping back after him being SO keen discourteous. I couldn’t give a flying frig if posters want to debate my use of the term ‘ghosting’. I felt ghosted because he went from 100 to crickets and it’s not my responsibility to change my style of communicating

• i will NOT be contacting this man because he is no longer what I want. Feel the need to reaaaally make this point to the ‘just text him’ brigade. No. Big fat no.

Men ARE the game players!

Basically he lost interest and instead of writing a polite message “hi sorry but I’m no longer interested in this short lived relationship “ he’s just not pursuing it any more. Sorry it hurts but that’s what most people in OLD that are no longer interested do. Yes it sucks, Again, maybe this is not the case and he’s tired of actively being the “pursuer” hence the reason people are telling you to message him. Expecting a guy to be the sole pursuer all the time is a bit of a burden in a man and he will get tired at some point.

@Sandra1984 I think he should have found an excuse (that is what I do), at least it's a sort of "closure". But he's a coward.

I am dating very intensely and I know how these things work. I must have had 200 dates (I think I might have met someone now but you never know) and he initiates still all the time and it's been many months. Yes interested men will want to contact you

I hope it carries on working out for you. We women could write a book on the games men play when 'dating'.

He’s not playing games, he’s just not interested. Full stop. I believe the OP is playing games by not messaging him, it’s like a power play for her. She wants to let him know “she has the upper hand here and she too is no longer interested if he is not interested”. So childish,

@Sandra1984 but if he's not interested why should the OP message him? To get the final humiliation?

I follow a similar approach to OP and it has worked in the past (it ended last year I was very heartbroken) and I seem to have met someone, it's been 8 months now let's hope it continues. And if they don't message me, I bin them without a second thought. This one messages me and is really very interested. But should he not message one day I would never message him (seems unlikely but you never know).

So no messaging for OP - he has got what he wanted and is now onto the next "victim"

He just wasn't that into her after all.

You never really know when this will be the case or happen to you, it's a risk you take when you embark on a romantic pursuit.

Personally I wouldn't have got so invested if someone still harboured such strong feelings about their ex partner.

@forgotoldusername but if he's not interested why should the OP message him? To get the final humiliation?

Because a) that might not be the case and b) if he’s really not interested he will probably give an explanation and it will help the OP get some closure. Sounds like she’d rather get no closure and remain sulking and bitter.

different strokes for different folks I guess.

Why does she need closure? What even is closure?

It sounds like projection to me - if he’s not interested, why on earth would she need a final conversation to get “closure”?

The OP has decided that no matter what the reason/excuse she doesn’t want to take it further at this point anyway - boundaries. She made her own “closure”.

The OP said she felt hurt and just wanted to vent - where has she been bitter?

Personally I wouldn't have got so invested if someone still harboured such strong feelings about their ex partner.

Yes. It just sounds like he isn’t over her in whatever way that is. Some people run head first into online dating, the minute they’re single and then spend a lot of time moaning to anyone new that they are angry at their ex.

The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.

Shit happens

and in general ghosters tend to resurface

just text him ! Get some closure

The OP has repeatedly said she is not texting him and has found her own closure.

So many of the posts on this thread have an undertone of judginess / bitchiness / Schadenfreude .

A friend the other day was telling me that Mumsnet is a nest of batshit crazy vipers, and I defended this place TO THE HILT saying it was full of thoughtful and supportive women. I’m not so sure now!

I’ve been thinking about OLD having been widowed three years ago, but I’m seriously thinking twice now. I wouldn’t have sex with someone without that in itself being an act of making myself vulnerable, and some of the behaviours people here are reporting about OLDers, and some of the attitudes, are giving me pause for reflection.

I’m glad the OP has good boundaries, healthy self-esteem and the strength not to be swayed by the responses on here.

@Cherrycokefiend and @Libelula21 a colleague of mine has had a lot of success with OLD.

She's very open about acknowledging. thinking she's very average looking etc and she's convinced her success is because she has a video call before any date.

She says it weeds out masses of potential red flags from people who seemed great in writing and even on the phone.

So many of her friends have had some rubbish experiences oand she's been trying to persuade them to video call first for years!

Libelula21

dont rule out either MN or OLD on the basis of this thread 😊

yes it’s a steep learning curve
but people are people
men are just as lonely and as vulnerable as us

and we handle things differently , I’d have handled differently to Op

bur doesnt mean I’m right or wrong
just different

I posted earlier to tex him but after reading your recent posts OP I’ve totally changed my mind . I admire your strength not allowing people to change your beliefs . At first I thought you were the one being cold but like you said if you havnt changed your contact style , then you’ve not done anything wrong . He sounds like a player and I hope this hasn’t put you off because nobody can read a player at first , so good for you for not wasting your time on him . Let him jog on and you move on .