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Original poster

Bl0ody ghosted :-(

356 replies

Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 13:04

Can’t quite believe I’m writing this. But met a man (43) on OLD a month ago. Instant chemistry, lots of flirting, took me out for my birthday and said all the right things. He called throughout the week and was actively pursuing me and making arrangements.

Niggly feelings were telling me that he was rather bitter about a ‘witch’ of an ex wife amongst other things so I was cautiously optimistic and not getting too excited. He was highly attractive if not a little ‘wounded’. Ex forces if that’s relevant.

We spent the weekend together last week - him driving an hour to my place. He insisted I head to his in the evening so he could cook. He did. I left first thing in the morning and….

I’ve not heard from him since.

Total crickets.

I’m a big girl in my thirties and haven’t and will definitely not be reaching out. But frankly I feel sick that a 43-year-old man could pull this. Ok after a couple of dates (even though that’s not great) but after having a level of intimacy? I’m shell shocked, even despite my reservations about the bloke.

I know it’s not me it’s him yada yada yada but honestly I feel sick and shaken by this. I know in my gut I won’t hear from him again. And by this stage I don’t want to.

Can anyone help me feel remotely ok again about this? Need some viper treatment.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 31/08/2022 16:15

What have you lost? He wanted sex. You wanted sex. You both got sex. So feel fine about it. If you wanted more you probably needed to talk that out before the sex.

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 16:16

@Naimee87 precisely. You can feel the shift in communication and texting/communication style. Every relationship I’ve had that’s gone any sort of distance hasn’t faltered when it comes to communicating because the person has been consistent.

and that’s how you know!

OP posts:
Lostoldusername · 31/08/2022 16:16

Looking at it from a different angle - he broke his phone and doesn't have your number stored/know if off by heart and therefore unable to contact you.
He could be thinking 'she'll get in touch soon' and actually, be really disappointed and his feelings hurt that you haven't.
I genuinely don't understand why, if you like him and are upset/hurt feelings, you won't contact him - even if just in case of the above point.
Fair enough if he doesn't reply but to straight away jump to being ghosted, it isn't quite the case as you haven't contacted him either.
He may feel like he's been ghosted.
Obviously you do you, but it's all been put on him to be in touch first - that's a really odd way to go into a relationship.

dearhummingbirds · 31/08/2022 16:17

I completely agree with you @Youaremysunshine14

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 31/08/2022 16:20

@Cherrycokefiend Regardless of whether I’ve been ‘clear’ or not my feelings have been hurt. Please respect that."

OK I respect that.

But you misread the signals. He told you off the bat that he was still screwed up about his ex-wife, but you still went ahead and had sex with him. He wasn't ready for a commitment.

Apl · 31/08/2022 16:21

Ghosted is when you message/call someone and they ignore you. This doesn’t sound like a ghosting situation.

Here, he’s just stopped actively pursuing you. Maybe he’s fed up of doing all the running, I don’t know. Relationships are a two way thing with a lot of give and take, if you can’t do two way then a relationship is unlikely to happen for you 😕

If you liked him enough to have sex with him, it seems odd to me not to send him a message saying “Hey, how are you?” But if you just don’t wanna, that’s your call. It isn’t ghosting though.

Wouldn’t it be funny if he sent a mesaage that just didn’t reach you and you’re both sulking thinking the other is ghosting you. I sent a message to my sister once that didn’t arrive til a month later despite showing as sent and opened, phones can be weird.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 31/08/2022 16:21

@StopStartStop

"What have you lost? He wanted sex. You wanted sex. You both got sex. So feel fine about it. If you wanted more you probably needed to talk that out before the sex."

^^ this nails it

Sandra1984 · 31/08/2022 16:21

I find it funny but every man who ever told me “my ex is crazy or my ex is a witch” etc… turned out to be a massive tw-t and the end to the relationship a dramatic painful mess. On the contrary men who never say those words were always nice and end the relationship in a civilised manner.

Bottom of the story: Nowadays intend to run in the opposite direction when a new date tells me his ex is crazy or a witch.

AlinaSquareQueen · 31/08/2022 16:22

I’m completely in agreement with the OP here, and I would definitely not be reaching out first to this man.

If he wanted to continue the relationship, he’d have been in contact by now (he may still do so, who knows).

I’m sure the OP feels that to message now, may make her feel a whole lot worse, eg, being ignored or blocked.

You're doing the right thing (for you), and I’d do the same.

SpinCityBlues · 31/08/2022 16:25

Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 16:10

@Youaremysunshine14 sorry, Emily. It’s a personal boundary of mine. I’m not expecting everyone to follow the same approach. Different folks, different strokes.

i knew he’d lost interest. My gut told me.

Ooh, that's a horrible feeling. When did your gut kick in?

So you left to go to your gym class, and would have expected to hear by when? Midday? The afternoon?

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 31/08/2022 16:27

So you’ve mutually decided you no longer wish to be in contact.

You’ve been together, and after your last meeting neither one of you felt like getting in contact again.

You absolutely haven’t been ghosted. Being ghosted is when you contact someone and they never contact you back. You haven’t contacted him,ergo in his eyes you have ghosted him. And conversely, he hasn’t contacted you, so in your eyes he’s ghosted you.

But actually, neither of you is really bothered about the other one any more.

If you wanted to text him you could.

Deciding that he’s the one in the wrong because he didn’t text first is just childish game playing.

If you texted him and he didn’t text back, then, and only then can you call it ghosting. Otherwise it’s just a mutual agreement to leave the relationship there.

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 16:27

@Sandra1984 yessss! Totally true. I think that’s why I wasn’t totally invested in him and had the weird off feeling. I’m still hurt, irrespective of others’ take on it.

OP posts:
Youaremysunshine14 · 31/08/2022 16:29

Excellently put, GhostFromTheOtherSide.

SpinCityBlues · 31/08/2022 16:30

Sandra1984 · 31/08/2022 16:21

I find it funny but every man who ever told me “my ex is crazy or my ex is a witch” etc… turned out to be a massive tw-t and the end to the relationship a dramatic painful mess. On the contrary men who never say those words were always nice and end the relationship in a civilised manner.

Bottom of the story: Nowadays intend to run in the opposite direction when a new date tells me his ex is crazy or a witch.

I think that's a very fair rule of thumb. My DP speaks of his ExW rarely but in a sad, bittersweet fashion.

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 16:32

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking well, no. He said he’d had a bad do with his divorce. It was years ago. I had no reason to expect that he was ‘unavailable’ based on how he acted towards me during those early meets.

His bitterness gave me me pause, yes.

i rather feel like you’re trying to make me feel rubbish for not recognising his signals. Do I deserve to feel worse?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 16:33

@GhostFromTheOtherSide apt username.

OP posts:
economicervix · 31/08/2022 16:35

’As the woman I don’t pursue.’

oh well. 😄

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 16:36

@SpinCityBlues yeh, I would normally get a text and/or call from him the day after we spent time together. When I drove off on Sunday I just had this sense I wouldn’t hear. Et voila

you live and learn

OP posts:
Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 31/08/2022 16:37

@Cherrycokefiend "His bitterness gave me me pause, yes."

But you didn't pause did you? You jumped straight in.

"i rather feel like you’re trying to make me feel rubbish for not recognising his signals. Do I deserve to feel worse?"

Stop playing the victim. Pull on your big girl pants and move on. Stop making time and energy for this guy.

SquirrelSoShiny · 31/08/2022 16:39

I would caution you a bit on the whole 'I as a woman don't pursue' thing.

My friend followed your logic. I didn't. I've been married for years now and she's still single. This isn't smuggery. It's just saying: she's still waiting to be chased. My husband needed a nudge of encouragement but then went all in!

SpinCityBlues · 31/08/2022 16:40

Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 16:36

@SpinCityBlues yeh, I would normally get a text and/or call from him the day after we spent time together. When I drove off on Sunday I just had this sense I wouldn’t hear. Et voila

you live and learn

Well yes, we do live and learn which is why it's important to really learn from this stuff.

What you've said here ^^ means that you already sensed that something was off when you left. So it was the way he said goodbye?

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 16:41

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking i think elsewhere you accused me of being rude. May I suggest you examine your own rudeness towards me?

my big girl pants are on and I can take feedback but you’re going toooo far now. Thanks for the comments.

OP posts:
Youaremysunshine14 · 31/08/2022 16:42

SquirrelSoShiny · 31/08/2022 16:39

I would caution you a bit on the whole 'I as a woman don't pursue' thing.

My friend followed your logic. I didn't. I've been married for years now and she's still single. This isn't smuggery. It's just saying: she's still waiting to be chased. My husband needed a nudge of encouragement but then went all in!

This is why I've struggled to understand OP's no-text-no-pursuing rule. IMO it's antiquated to expect men to do all the running and if you like someone, make it clear to them! I did that with my DP and we've now been together 17 years. If I'd left it to him to instigate every meet up we'd have never made it past the first few weeks either!

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 16:42

@SquirrelSoShiny i will take that on board! I do have my guard up. Perhaps I could revisit this when I meet someone who I think is really awesome.

OP posts:
Wildflowerbeauty · 31/08/2022 16:43

So he stops doing (what seems like most the running) and you bail on him . I understand you don’t want to tex because your frightened if he rejects you but there is a chance that he feels rejected , I’m certainly not pointing fingers at you. You could tex him something like …. Hi , how are you . Hope you are ok . I havnt heard from you which is out of character for you . I’m confused , !