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Original poster

Bl0ody ghosted :-(

356 replies

Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 13:04

Can’t quite believe I’m writing this. But met a man (43) on OLD a month ago. Instant chemistry, lots of flirting, took me out for my birthday and said all the right things. He called throughout the week and was actively pursuing me and making arrangements.

Niggly feelings were telling me that he was rather bitter about a ‘witch’ of an ex wife amongst other things so I was cautiously optimistic and not getting too excited. He was highly attractive if not a little ‘wounded’. Ex forces if that’s relevant.

We spent the weekend together last week - him driving an hour to my place. He insisted I head to his in the evening so he could cook. He did. I left first thing in the morning and….

I’ve not heard from him since.

Total crickets.

I’m a big girl in my thirties and haven’t and will definitely not be reaching out. But frankly I feel sick that a 43-year-old man could pull this. Ok after a couple of dates (even though that’s not great) but after having a level of intimacy? I’m shell shocked, even despite my reservations about the bloke.

I know it’s not me it’s him yada yada yada but honestly I feel sick and shaken by this. I know in my gut I won’t hear from him again. And by this stage I don’t want to.

Can anyone help me feel remotely ok again about this? Need some viper treatment.

OP posts:
IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 14:18

Or he’s a manipulative prick who does this with many women over and over. That is more likely the situation.

SquirrelSoShiny · 31/08/2022 14:21

IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 14:18

Or he’s a manipulative prick who does this with many women over and over. That is more likely the situation.

And this yes! Quite possibly.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 31/08/2022 14:21

OK OP,
You want 'viper treatment'.

"He insisted I head to his in the evening so he could cook. He did. I left first thing in the morning and… " there is a word that you can use OP and it's "No"

When a man says to you 'he wants to cook for you at his place', it's code for him wanting sex.
You are disappointed that he went 'off the radar' after "having a level of intimacy?" What intimacy? Did you find out what he wanted relationship-wise? Were you exclusive"? Did you discuss contraception? This guy is/was a stranger to you.

He got what he wanted and scarpered.

When they come on strong they cool off just as fast.

Learn from this and play it different next time. It's a tough lesson.

puddlesofmothers · 31/08/2022 14:21

Is there an increasing tone of under lying cuntyness on MN lately or has it always been there? Yuck.

Anyway we all know "no answer is an answer". He'd get no message from me, just savage thoughts.

abblie · 31/08/2022 14:22

Ammm if your not contacting him then you are ghosting him lol why do you feel its ok for you to do it and not him lol

Youaremysunshine14 · 31/08/2022 14:25

Anyway we all know "no answer is an answer".

Except OP hadn't actually messaged him anything that he could ignore. She left his house and that was it. There's been no message from her for him to ghost.

puddlesofmothers · 31/08/2022 14:26

Youaremysunshine14 · 31/08/2022 14:25

Anyway we all know "no answer is an answer".

Except OP hadn't actually messaged him anything that he could ignore. She left his house and that was it. There's been no message from her for him to ghost.

Shooooo

drpet49 · 31/08/2022 14:26

TheDuchessOfMN · 31/08/2022 13:13

But did you contact him? He could equally say that you’ve ghosted him

This. You’ve said you won’t reach out. He is obviously thinking the same.

SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 14:28

I’ve already said that I won’t be reaching out first.

I’m really confused.

So you’ve not reached out to him, yet you’re annoyed he’s not reached out to you.

It all sounds very childish.
Maybe he’s dodged a bullet here.

SnoozyLucy7 · 31/08/2022 14:28

Maybe something has happened to him? Maybe he thinks you are ghosting him? Why does it need to be on men to do all the chasing? This is not the 1950s. Just call/text him.

Minikievs · 31/08/2022 14:29

I do think that sometimes, quite a number of responses on these types of threads, are from people that are either married, haven't dated for a while, or have no existence of OLD in recent times.

OLD is a completely different world to old fashioned dating, with very specific "rules" and experiences.

Once you've been doing it for a while (ugh) you do get to know the score a bit. I would pretty much guarantee that this has nothing to do with her not sending a "thanks for having me" text, or him being annoyed she's not texted first.
And everything to do with him being an arsehole

Minikievs · 31/08/2022 14:30

*experience

zonky · 31/08/2022 14:30

People are allowed to change their minds and sometimes they choose not to communicate this, it's shitty but it seems that's what's happened here.

What sort of relationship were you after, op @Cherrycokefiend ? Are you looking/wanting to settle down and have a family soon?

Anon778833 · 31/08/2022 14:36

Online dating really encourages shit behaviour.

However I do think that you should have sent a text after leaving to say thanks and that you had a good time etc. the reason I say this is that my friend was in a relationship with someone who got mad about her not texting him after he did something nice for her and it did cause the relationship to fall apart.

Ugzbugz · 31/08/2022 14:37

Maybe he doesn't want to always make the first contact? I wouldn't.

SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 14:37

Once you've been doing it for a while (ugh) you do get to know the score a bit. I would pretty much guarantee that this has nothing to do with her not sending a "thanks for having me" text, or him being annoyed she's not texted first.
And everything to do with him being an arsehole

But wouldn’t that make OP an arsehole too?

Considering she’s done the exact same thing she’s accusing him of.

Wouldloveanother · 31/08/2022 14:40

Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 13:47

@Dinoswearunderpants sorry to burst your bubble but I saw him plenty of times during the week and even worked from his house on one occasion. Not a trace of a woman living there. He also spent time with me during the week.

To go from contacting me after every meeting ro then suddenly not doing so is not my cue to contact him first. If he wanted to he would have done! Because he did so before

This all sounds really intense for someone you’ve only been dating a month - working from him house?!

I think some men just love the thrill of the chase and once you’ve had a couple of sex sessions they pull away. It’s easier for them than having to do the commitment talk etc.

Wouldloveanother · 31/08/2022 14:41

Ugzbugz · 31/08/2022 14:37

Maybe he doesn't want to always make the first contact? I wouldn't.

We only think like that because we’re women. We need to protect our feelings in a way that men don’t. If men want to contact you, they do - they make it happen. If they don’t, they don’t. We can try to be all ‘equal’ about it, but it’s just another area where women and men differ because of biological/social reasons.

Wouldloveanother · 31/08/2022 14:45

When they come on strong they cool off just as fast.

100%

IrisVersicolor · 31/08/2022 14:46

Aside from the fact that it’s a bit early to say he’s ghosted you - it’s not that extraordinary that a man gets sex and disappears? It’s fairly common.

The ‘bitter’ divorce and ‘witch’ of a wife is a red flag anyway.

SnoozyLucy7 · 31/08/2022 14:47

Wouldloveanother · 31/08/2022 14:41

We only think like that because we’re women. We need to protect our feelings in a way that men don’t. If men want to contact you, they do - they make it happen. If they don’t, they don’t. We can try to be all ‘equal’ about it, but it’s just another area where women and men differ because of biological/social reasons.

Show quote history

Of course we can be equal about it!!. It’s all conditioning- it’s nothing to do with differing/social reasons. We need to stop telling boys that girls need to be chased, and stop telling girls that they must wait to be chased by the boys. It’s such old fashioned nonsense. These are 2 grown adults . OP should be able to reach out and ask what’s going without thinking and fearing that she will come across as desperate or what ever the conditioned fear is.

Anon778833 · 31/08/2022 14:48

Can I just also say that if he’s still really wound up and bitter about his ex-wife then he certainly isn’t in a position to be starting out afresh with someone new.

Hollyjack · 31/08/2022 14:52

Happened to me a couple of years ago seeing someone for 10 weeks then absolute silence totally knocked my confidence. Would see him online on his whatts app but wouldn’t even open my message to him.
Just a thought though u sure he’s not had an accident or something 😬

IHearIt · 31/08/2022 14:52

You could probably afford to send one message without looking desperate. A cheery how are you getting on? You'll know for sure then.

Wouldloveanother · 31/08/2022 14:53

SnoozyLucy7 · 31/08/2022 14:47

Of course we can be equal about it!!. It’s all conditioning- it’s nothing to do with differing/social reasons. We need to stop telling boys that girls need to be chased, and stop telling girls that they must wait to be chased by the boys. It’s such old fashioned nonsense. These are 2 grown adults . OP should be able to reach out and ask what’s going without thinking and fearing that she will come across as desperate or what ever the conditioned fear is.

Show quote history

It’s not conditioning. Even in nature, the males are expected to impress the females and put more effort in than vice versa. It’s because we carry babies, and need to satisfy ourselves that the male is worth it and dedicated enough not to bugger off after 5 minutes. All the women I know who believe in ‘just messaging him if they want to’ and ‘not playing such games’ are single, and get repeatedly dumped by men who easily get the sex they want then vanish.