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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bl0ody ghosted :-(

356 replies

Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 13:04

Can’t quite believe I’m writing this. But met a man (43) on OLD a month ago. Instant chemistry, lots of flirting, took me out for my birthday and said all the right things. He called throughout the week and was actively pursuing me and making arrangements.

Niggly feelings were telling me that he was rather bitter about a ‘witch’ of an ex wife amongst other things so I was cautiously optimistic and not getting too excited. He was highly attractive if not a little ‘wounded’. Ex forces if that’s relevant.

We spent the weekend together last week - him driving an hour to my place. He insisted I head to his in the evening so he could cook. He did. I left first thing in the morning and….

I’ve not heard from him since.

Total crickets.

I’m a big girl in my thirties and haven’t and will definitely not be reaching out. But frankly I feel sick that a 43-year-old man could pull this. Ok after a couple of dates (even though that’s not great) but after having a level of intimacy? I’m shell shocked, even despite my reservations about the bloke.

I know it’s not me it’s him yada yada yada but honestly I feel sick and shaken by this. I know in my gut I won’t hear from him again. And by this stage I don’t want to.

Can anyone help me feel remotely ok again about this? Need some viper treatment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 13:58

@forgotoldusername thank you! I’m not bloody daft. I know how he communicated beforehand and I know I wasn’t dating someone who was still married. Largely on account of the fact I wasn’t born yesterday.

@Naimee87 yes, it’s a gut feeling that’s hardly wrong… solidarity mate

OP posts:
IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 13:59

It feels terrible, happened to me about 2 years ago after spending around 6 weeks seeing each other quite a bit. I really don’t understand all this ghosting. I’d only get involved again if something happened organically as in meeting and being friends etc.

I have no time in my life for these waste of time men. In his 40’s? Absolutely pathetic! Don’t worry you’ll forget it pretty quickly I did but it does feel shocking.

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 14:00

@Youaremysunshine14 i think we’re done here. Thanks for your comments.

OP posts:
EleanorShellstrop28 · 31/08/2022 14:00

So... you ghosted him?

I wonder if he's on another website writing about how he had been seeing a woman and had been making so much effort - taking her out for her birthday, being really honest and open with her, inviting her into his home and hosting her on several occasions, even cooking for her?

And she left the day after he'd cooked and hosted her, without even so much as a thank you text, and never contacted him again??

Honestly why are you playing ridiculous games? Just send the man a text! He might be expecting one from you considering he just hosted you and be waiting to see if you bother to contact him, which of course you haven't.

You can't say he's ghosted you when you haven't even attempted to contact him! He hasn't ghosted you. You have sent him nothing to reply to!

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 14:01

@catlovingdoctor i just really wanted to get to my spin class! 🙈

OP posts:
EthicalNonMahogany · 31/08/2022 14:02

He probably has ghosted but it's still mature to text him briefly with a thanks, how's your week going? because you're a grown up, even if he isn't. Then you have your answer if he doesn't reply.

Youaremysunshine14 · 31/08/2022 14:02

Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 14:00

@Youaremysunshine14 i think we’re done here. Thanks for your comments.

You're welcome. Just text him yourself. It's not 1952.

KyaClark · 31/08/2022 14:02

Can't even begin to imagine what he's thinking, ghost a gem like you, OP...

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 14:04

Look, the guy’s communication dried up. I am NOT contacting him first because I know on a guy level.

I was not discourteous. I did thank him verbally when I left in the morning. He could have equally have thanked me for hosting him at my home the night beforehand. We did an equal amount of hosting thank you very much, so everyone biting at me to say I should have messaged him first is way off track. This guy has gone from white hot wanting to see me asap so absolutely nothing and you’re telling me I’m at fault?

gahh! Mumsnet always delivers variety; I’ll give it that.

OP posts:
Minikievs · 31/08/2022 14:05

Naimee87 · 31/08/2022 13:54

His photo still appears in whatsapp but i really think i must be blocked... no excuse in the world for not having your phone on for two weeks. Whether i will get any answers i have no idea.

It hasnt been that long since you saw/contacted each other but i know what you mean by knowing in your gut you wont hear from them again same here. And for context im 35 he is 45... shocking!

He's deffo not blocked you if you can still see his photo!

OP, I get where you're coming from. I wouldn't send a "thanks for hosting me" text either Confused
Sometimes you get a gut feeling, and you just know. Even if he DOES pop up again, having ignored me from Sunday to Wednesday, I wouldn't want to see him again
~total lie, I'd probs be a right Debbie Desperado and carry on seeing him but that would be the wrong thing to do~

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 14:05

@EthicalNonMahogany erm, no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 14:06

@KyaClark thanks babe 😘

OP posts:
IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 14:07

You’re obviously upset and some people just like to make unhelpful comments. You know when you’re being ghosted, you know after a day! Don’t contact him. Don’t give him the satisfaction.

Original poster
Cherrycokefiend · 31/08/2022 14:07

@Minikievs thank you for getting it! I am a big bristly at the suggestion I was rude. I really wasn’t.

OP posts:
EleanorShellstrop28 · 31/08/2022 14:08

Ugh just read your replies and you're being really rude and hostile to people for simply stating the obvious. If he's ghosting you, you are ghosting him too. You can't come on a website and ask for opinions and then attack anyone who gives an opinion which is anything other than "You're an innocent victim of this terrible man." Because you're not, really. You haven't even attempted to contact him.

You say he always initiates contact after a meeting. If you read other MN threads, people are often giving advice to people to stop being TOO keen, to stop being the one to initiate all contact, in order to see if the other person is actually interested? It's actually really hurtful to be the one having to initiate all contact after every meet up? Maybe he's just trying to see if you'll bother to contact him if he doesn't contact you? And you haven't bothered.

So it could be something as simple as this. But you're too proud to just send a simple text message. So you can't like him THAT much if you're willing to let this whole thing fizzle out rather than send a simple text.

TulipVictory · 31/08/2022 14:08

@Cherrycokefiend I wouldn't message him first either !

If he was interested, he would've messaged by now but awful that you got intimate for this to happen

mycatisannoying · 31/08/2022 14:08

CallmeMrsPricklepants · 31/08/2022 13:07

I'd say he's married, the ex isn't an ex and wherever you went it just wasn't their family home

Probably nonsense.

Single men can be twats too.

Naimee87 · 31/08/2022 14:11

@Minikievs yep photo is still there but 1 grey tick since two weeks. Could be all kinds of things going on for him but like OP says you can feel in your gut when something is off and this feels like it. If communication changes, i think the best advice is to match their style but i hate playing games... its sooo annoying. I wish people could just be straight with others.

IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 14:11

When someone is ghosting and you send a message their next step is blocking you and that makes you feel worse. I wouldn’t message. These types usually initiate all the contact until they think you’re hooked in so it’s really very obvious they’re gone.

I was naive about it until I experienced it.

AlexNye · 31/08/2022 14:12

Just another notch on the bedpost from a good looking man who has all the choice in the world because all women on OLD swipe on him.

Youaremysunshine14 · 31/08/2022 14:13

EleanorShellstrop28 · 31/08/2022 14:08

Ugh just read your replies and you're being really rude and hostile to people for simply stating the obvious. If he's ghosting you, you are ghosting him too. You can't come on a website and ask for opinions and then attack anyone who gives an opinion which is anything other than "You're an innocent victim of this terrible man." Because you're not, really. You haven't even attempted to contact him.

You say he always initiates contact after a meeting. If you read other MN threads, people are often giving advice to people to stop being TOO keen, to stop being the one to initiate all contact, in order to see if the other person is actually interested? It's actually really hurtful to be the one having to initiate all contact after every meet up? Maybe he's just trying to see if you'll bother to contact him if he doesn't contact you? And you haven't bothered.

So it could be something as simple as this. But you're too proud to just send a simple text message. So you can't like him THAT much if you're willing to let this whole thing fizzle out rather than send a simple text.

I suspect this too – that he's waiting to see if OP is actually fussed enough herself to contact him. He's done all running for a month and organised her birthday night out too, he's probably sick of it. It's one thing being keen, another being treated as a mug.

Decidualcast · 31/08/2022 14:14

You seem quick to anger. Perhaps you pissed him off?

RoutineLow · 31/08/2022 14:17

Maybe he's sick of being the one to always initiate communication with you and has had enough of playing this silly game. Maybe he thought to himself, do you know what? I'm going to hang back and see if CherryCoke can be arsed to send me a text for a change.

IrishladyNE · 31/08/2022 14:17

Stop trying to get the girl to make a mug of herself. She really doesn’t need to be making any contact with this person.

SquirrelSoShiny · 31/08/2022 14:18

You do seem a bit twitchy and reactive OP. Might be better stepping away from dating for a bit and just calm the horses 😬