Read something I wish I hadn't

[whenlifehandsyoulemon]

Brief overview

Partner is 8 years younger than me and we have been together 7 years (I am 40 and he is 32)

I've always been in shape and looked after myself, whereas he has been less worried about that, but I've never been bothered as I love him. I just have always loved the gym and feeling good with nice clothes etc.

We have an 18 month old son and I've not been able to obviously do as much taking care of myself as I used to, plus my body has changed post birth, breast feeding etc. so I already feel crap in myself.

Since the baby I feel like he thinks he can get away with saying things about my age etc. even if it's a joke, it still upsets me.

Anyway....

Earlier we had a bit of a disagreement and I went down his phone which I've NEVER done.

He's been messaging a friend of his about a night out and he said 'oh it's grab a granny after, you'll like that'

My partner replied 'I've got a 5 year plan and then I'm moving onto a younger model'

I feel sick. I wish I'd never seen it as I already feel so unattractive.

I don't really know what I want people to say, but I genuinely feel like it's the truth I feel that insecure.

He also hates living where we live and I know he wants to move where all his friends are, but logistically with a child it's just not viable atm, so I think the 5 year plan is the truth.

Oh I'm so sorry, that must have been awful. What a truly disrespectful thing to say. Maybe he was trying to engage in laddish humour with his immature mate but that's no excuse. Personally, I couldn't move past this and would not want to be with someone so misogynistic and immature. Has he behaved like this before ? Does he make you feel desired and loved? You deserve better.

@ShreddedMarmalade

Thank you for your reply. I've been anxiously waiting to be berated.

To be honest, he rarely says anything nice about how I look, but I always assumed that he just felt a little bit inferior and struggled to say those things due to lack of confidence (covered up by constant jokes and being rude which I've got used to)

I genuinely don't think I can move past it either. Do I tell him what I've seen?

That’s totally shit and unacceptable. They say you should always listen to what your other half has said about you when you’re not around I.e. do friends say they speak about you positively or negatively.

I’d be very hurt by this, even if it was a stupid, flippant comment.

I’m sorry you read that.

Honestly? He can’t be trusted. I’d be very wary. I wouldn’t be marrying him or anything, put it that way

@Gonewiththewindbeforelong

I genuinely feel like he's ashamed of my age!

If I'm honest without me sounding like a total dick, I'm the one who has been less picky about looks when I met him. I loved his personality more than anything!

I feel like now we have a baby he is more in control and I've lost who I am and how I feel because of being a full time mummy (which I love) I feel like he thinks I wouldn't find anyone else now or couldn't in the future.

I am probably not making much sense - sorry!

@Bellyups we are recently engaged too 😞

It could just be his attempt at a really awful joke and he has zero intention of ever leaving you.
my DH sometimes jokes I’m his ‘current’ wife. But then he knows I find this funny and I banter him back.
Do you have that sort of humour in your relationship?

good grief I actually gasped when I read that. I’d have to ask him about it and would probably make a plan myself. To dump him and move on!

He might try and pass it off as a joke. I would find it upsetting and offensive, though. It’s a pretty rubbish thing to say.

There is no getting past it, how could you trust him with the next five years and beyond of your life and the family you're supposed to be building. Even if it was a flippant comment, is it supposed to be funny that he would break up his family? I'd just get your ducks in a row and leave him on YOUR terms, telling him exactly why.

I'm sorry. Seek and you shall find, as they say. There's a chance he was joking, tbh from a man's perspective it sounds like a joke. I think if he was serious about it he would have already spoken to his friend about it. I'm not advocating further snooping but maybe go back into his phone and see the friend's response, just to put your mind at rest?

how Horrible. You are going to have to talk to him, I think. I would also go back to work and have my guard up.

That's shocking. You'll have to raise this with him or you'll spend the next 5 years on edge.

DH and I do have that sort of banter in our relationship but it’s all about context, we sort of know where the line is. Also - you are older than him, so it’s not funny, is it?!! And this wasn’t between you two, either.

I would go back to work ASAP and have a 3 year plan. That should be enough time to get access to some of the funded hours childcare I think?

@GyozaGuiting

Mmmm we kind of do, yes but lately he's doing it so much more - unless I'm just sleep deprived and super sensitive!

Well isn't he lovely ?!?!

I'd get your self a plan .....one that doesn't involve him. If he wants to go, show him the door !

I’d come clean. Apologise for your bit, but clearly the relationship has hit an unhealthy low for both of you. I would not be able to get past it, and you looking at his phone does not erase what he said. It isn’t a ‘ both as bad as each other’ situation

Perhaps it's come from a place of insecurity then but it's still appalling and sounds (from his friend's message) like this is not a one off. If it was me, I would have to confront him about it but he will blame you for reading it. I certainly would be looking at going back to work asap and forming an escape plan.

I’d be tempted to pack him a bag with the essentials, then tell him there’s no need to wait five years, he can leave now. Watch his face as it registers.

say, “Yes, I did look at your phone and it’s a good job that I did.”
I wouldn’t give a shit how angry he was. I’d be much much angrier.

You can’t rely on him after this.

That’s awful. He could be joking but it’s a horrible thing to say and obviously the thought is there. You also refer to constant jokes which sounds hurtful and undermining. I think I would confront him.

Ouch. I'd be upset too OP

I get what you mean. Like he feels the balance of power has shifted towards him (in his head - I’m not saying you had more power)
He doesn’t sound great. That laddish banter isn’t pleasant or respectful- this is a life you’re building - one for you and your child. Could you be with someone whose whole stick with his mate is ‘I’m leaving the missus for a younger model in five years’
but only you know if it’s all worth it - what kind of relationship you have etc.

Really appreciating everyone's responses here.

I don't know how to say these things without sounding arrogant, but for years whether we were with friends or his family, he would always be told he's punching - it's a running joke within his family/friends. I never used to think anything of it, but since I've had my baby, I've not had a night out with friends, got dressed up like I used to etc. I feel yucky and I swear he feels the same as why would you say that to a friend?

I know it could be banter, but it's like after all these years of him perhaps feeling like he's the uglier one of the two, now I'm not looking like I used to post baby he's feeling like he can say those things and mean them!

That's so hurtful , even said in jest it's not funny . How many other people does he ' joke ' with about your age . Tbh 8 yrs is not much of a difference so he just sounds immature. Why 5 yrs ?.
You can't unsee that so speak to him and see how you feel after .