Read something I wish I hadn't

[whenlifehandsyoulemon]

Brief overview

Partner is 8 years younger than me and we have been together 7 years (I am 40 and he is 32)

I've always been in shape and looked after myself, whereas he has been less worried about that, but I've never been bothered as I love him. I just have always loved the gym and feeling good with nice clothes etc.

We have an 18 month old son and I've not been able to obviously do as much taking care of myself as I used to, plus my body has changed post birth, breast feeding etc. so I already feel crap in myself.

Since the baby I feel like he thinks he can get away with saying things about my age etc. even if it's a joke, it still upsets me.

Anyway....

Earlier we had a bit of a disagreement and I went down his phone which I've NEVER done.

He's been messaging a friend of his about a night out and he said 'oh it's grab a granny after, you'll like that'

My partner replied 'I've got a 5 year plan and then I'm moving onto a younger model'

I feel sick. I wish I'd never seen it as I already feel so unattractive.

I don't really know what I want people to say, but I genuinely feel like it's the truth I feel that insecure.

He also hates living where we live and I know he wants to move where all his friends are, but logistically with a child it's just not viable atm, so I think the 5 year plan is the truth.

The old me would've read that and not cared as I think in my head I would know it's banter, but I can't take those comments now and the fact he thinks that's funny to say to a friend is just totally disrespectful!

I just know he will go mad if he knows I've looked at his phone. It's at trust this isn't it....eeek.

Can I get around this without admitting looking at his phone?

Trust thing....

@Neverminddoris absolutely!!! Spot on here.

My initial response was to be absolutely appalled too. Then I re read your OP.

It looks to me like your partner's friend has been horribly disrespectful on talking about "grab a granny" and saying "you'll like that" - thereby bringing up your age - and instead of having a spine and standing to him he's leaned into the joke to avoid conflict.

I think it's probably unlikely he really does have a five year plan to get out. I think you should talk to him about it. How old was the message? Did the friend reply again? I'm wondering if you can say you saw it flash up on his phone and that's how you saw it

I would bet ,y last tenner that this is entire.y about his insecurity about punching above.
Don’t feel sorry for him though…anyone who seeks to elevate themselves by putting their supposed loved one down is weak and selfish to the core.

Horrible, alpha-male chat and so hurtful OP. You need to raise it or it will eat away at you. He may, indeed, have been joking and be so sorry he's hurt you, but you need to tell him.

I wonder if his friends have much younger partners? It's quite common for a 33 year old man to have a 25 year old partner. (My nephew at 34 has a 21 year old partner and seems to think he's21 himself- but that's another story!). Is he seeing this and doing the grass is greener shit? We all know it isn't, but after the hard graft of pregnancy and the 1st 18 months can he be thinking this?

Many, many men are just not mature enough to deal with life after kids. My exH was exactly in this category (35 with a 2 and 4 year old and I think he mourned his freedom pre-kids. Thankfully he has been a fantastic dad for 14 years, but it suited him to be footloose relationship wise. Interestingly, he's never settled with anyone else, whereas I have).

I feel for you, OP. You need to discuss it with him.

You will have to admit you looked at his phone if you're going to raise this. He may have been joking, but you'll never know unless you confront him and he'll be on the defensive. Possibly rightly so.

Why were you looking on his phone? Was it in reaction to the argument, were you suspicious of something? Do you trust him?

The only way around it is to manipulate an opportunity to borrow his phone and stumble upon the message, but that's a path of deceit that you can't come back from. Better to be honest.

Well said Pictish agree with you totally....

If his friends are his age then they will be getting partners, getting married and having babies soon.
I'm presuming friend is still single.

And the PP who said that's it's really important what a partner says about you when you're not there is totally spot on.

Apparently, ex DH has always sung my praises during and after marriage- according to all his friends. Shows he respects me as a person. Folk are always saying how obvious it is that DH adores me, which is lovely to hear. I think it's a basic that all relationships need.

Who cares if he shouts, swears, accuses, deflects blame, does his stupid nut in?! Let him. He’s been caught out being a cunt of the highest order. Boo hoo…you looked at his phone. I wouldn’t give a fuck.

I’m serious btw.

Don’t marry him. Keep assets separate. I would read that as someone waiting to jump. Even if it is banter - the trust would be gone for me. I would be reassessing how my life goes from then. Do I want to stay? If so how do I protect myself and my child’s interests.

You are just feeling more insecure in yourself and staying at home with a small baby is a big change. Do not let him put you down as the person who is supposed to be in your corner the most for you should not do that, should be a team, life hard enough without feeling they are not on your side. Talk to him and be confident and do not say how you are not back to yourself. Get yourself out walking with the buggy for your own mental health and will give you a lift but do for you and not for him. I think in some way it was stupid man banter and he was trying to sound clever and the hard man and he could. Does he put you down in other ways or try to make you feel inadequate as had this with an ex, little digs to try to wind me up. He turned out to be the biggest narcissist nasty bully but did not see it as he hid it well until he didn't. Keep posting if you need support and bet you look great and hope the little one great also.

Not married currently? Then why not being up a conversation about your future as a couple.

Own it.
“I looked at your phone and you’re doing me down. Shout all you fucking like. You’re out.”

Part of me feels like this is potentially the kick up the bum I needed to get me back! To no longer feel like this shadow of my former self

Shock him by taking control.

This! Fuck that shit, OP. It’ll ruin your MH to be constantly wondering if he’s about to trade you in for a younger model.

Are you better off than him money wise - if so never ever marry him ever.

is it your house?

5 year plan my arse?

id get my ducks lined up file with the CMS claim etc and make sure any joint account is empty etc and anything joint. Is mine.
I’d be off.

Since the baby I feel like he thinks he can get away with saying things about my age etc. even if it's a joke, it still upsets me.

This type of passive aggressive comment isn’t a joke, and it’s not meant as a joke.

What he's said is much worse than you looking at his phone. Don't be letting him turn this back on you.
Even if it wasn't meant, he has allowed his friend to massively disrespect you and has joined in! You are his fiancée, the mother of his baby and he has shown you no regard.
Sorry but this would be a pack your hags moment for me. You can do better - he was and still is punching above his weight!

Don't tell him you looked at his phone.

Tell him calmly without emotion "looook, just not feeling it anymore"

Dont mention the age gap!! "Look if "this" (wave wrist around lethargically) is it, id rather be single".

Tell him 'if by some chance love doesn't find me, then I'm good single so, time to wish each other good luck".

With bells on.

Op are you scared to admit you know? Scared he might tell you it’s the truth?