Read something I wish I hadn't

[whenlifehandsyoulemon]

Brief overview

Partner is 8 years younger than me and we have been together 7 years (I am 40 and he is 32)

I've always been in shape and looked after myself, whereas he has been less worried about that, but I've never been bothered as I love him. I just have always loved the gym and feeling good with nice clothes etc.

We have an 18 month old son and I've not been able to obviously do as much taking care of myself as I used to, plus my body has changed post birth, breast feeding etc. so I already feel crap in myself.

Since the baby I feel like he thinks he can get away with saying things about my age etc. even if it's a joke, it still upsets me.

Anyway....

Earlier we had a bit of a disagreement and I went down his phone which I've NEVER done.

He's been messaging a friend of his about a night out and he said 'oh it's grab a granny after, you'll like that'

My partner replied 'I've got a 5 year plan and then I'm moving onto a younger model'

I feel sick. I wish I'd never seen it as I already feel so unattractive.

I don't really know what I want people to say, but I genuinely feel like it's the truth I feel that insecure.

He also hates living where we live and I know he wants to move where all his friends are, but logistically with a child it's just not viable atm, so I think the 5 year plan is the truth.

Are you the OP?

If so he sounds quite nasty...

Doesn't sound like a casual jokey comment to me even giving it a timeline.

Difficult for you to leave now you have a child

The guy who he was messaging is getting married in two weeks! He replied back to my partner 'I've been saying what you have for years and I'm getting married in 2 weeks' my partners response 'never say never'

He's always constantly been the pee taker, but like I said I'm sure it's ramped up since I've had our child.

He will always say 'oh I'm only Joking' but it's just so childish!

This bit of one of your posts stood out to me:
To be honest, he rarely says anything nice about how I look, but I always assumed that he just felt a little bit inferior and struggled to say those things due to lack of confidence (covered up by constant jokes and being rude which I've got used to)

What are the constant jokes and being rude about? What sort of thing does he say?

@Boredsoentertainme no, I don't think I'm worried about his response to what he's said, more about the fact I've looked at his phone!

I don't think this is something I could ever move past. I'm so sorry you had to read that, I'd be taking my baby and cutting his 5 year plan short 🫣

@NerdyBird

Ok, so he always comments on my nose, lately my hair needing to be coloured more frequently (greys coming through) my thighs being bigger now. General comments on my clothes (I have good taste) he actually doesn't.

To name but a few!

Get a one year plan to redress the power balance - go out, dress up, get a job, feel like you again, see a solicitor for some advice if you split. Then re-evaluate whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who pulls you down.

Yes! Turn this into a positive for you (but maybe not him). Get your mojo back, both personally and with your career.

Omg, how nasty! It sounds like really horrible banter to me - the engagement means it’s unlikely he only plans on sticking around for a few years. Probably saying that shit to impress his stupid mate 🤮 still, it’s vile and not something you should overlook. Tell him you saw the message, tell him he can pack a bag and leave now; why wait 5 years? Say you won’t make it hard for him, and see what he says. He’ll cry like a baby I reckon and beg you not to dump him.

I can go back to my old company any time I like (corporate/finance) in central london - they have left the door open and I should really just bite their hand off.

I could never tolerate this crap in a man and never have. I hate all crude misogynist humour and I've met plenty of nice blokes who do not resort to it at all. I would consider leaving a man who talked like that about me.

The question isn't 'is he punching?' Its 'is he a cruel abusive shit ?' And the answer to the question is yes.

What is the respective money and asset situation with you both?
If you have assets or money and he doesn't, don't marry him. His 5 year plan is to take half your wealth and move on.

@glitterfarts pretty much the same although he has a new business which is doing really well.

If I were you I would end the engagement immediately on the basis of the message and the previous comments. It matters so so much how your partner speaks about you to others- almost as much as how he speaks to you. This is a genuinely awful thing to think, about the person who is meant to matter the most to you in the world aside from your children of course, never mind typing it out to someone. I would be in no doubt about ending it. Best of luck to you. You'll be fine.

He comments on your nose saying what?? Do you have insecurities over your nose? I have always hated my nose, was bullied at school because it was so big. Had £6k surgery to reduce it. Still don't like it! If a partner, the man who was supposed to love me, made ONE "banter" comment about it never mind booting him out of my life he'd be fucking blasted into outer space.

You need a healthy dose of self-respect, and to mess up his "five-year plan" by accelerating the timeline for him.

It's not joking if everyone isn't laughing. You're not laughing. So get rid.

To be honest, mentally my head is all over the place and I feel like my world is so small atm.

I just know if I don't get this off my chest and tell him it will fester and then god knows!

I would keep my mouth shut, not let him know I was snooping on his phone (otherwise he’s going to put a password and then you won’t know about other stuff he says) and I would make a 5 year plan for myself while I put those ducks on a row. It sounds like this guy is not planning to stick around for too long. I would start protecting yours and the child’s asset, get myself a gym membership to boost my self esteem and plan a work comeback in a few months. This guy is a bit of a douche.

OP,

What a bloody horrible thing to read.

But thank god you did. Now you know for sure what an undeserving twat you have as a partner.

Get your self respect back. Build your confidence back on your terms.

Get to the position where you have a partner who doesn't laugh about 'grab a granny' and is proud of you as an equal.

@SwissRole123 I have, but I have never told him I did. No one has ever mentioned my nose (ex husband of 10 years) previous partners etc.

The Ops partner sounds like a knobster, but it’s not that easy to just tell someone to leave their own home. Why should he!!

His friend sounds like an immature twat and the suggestion of a 5-year plan would be upsetting but it does also sound like it could be a joke (a poor one).

I think I'd have to bring it up especially if he's being generally unpleasant.

That’s horrible..
I’d be gutted reading that, and as others have said, couldn’t get past it.
Mentioned this to a bloke here now, his first reaction was :
“She shouldn’t have been looking at his phone”
and then
“She needs to ask what he means by it”
Bloke here hadn’t heard of “ 5 yr plans” but thinks it’s not a thing you’d say, even in jest, if you loved your partner.

Sorry @whenlifehandsyoulemon

I’d be deeply upset by that, too.

It’s so often tough when the man is significantly younger-
I had a boyfriend of 18 at 26 for a short time, and it made me too feel insecure.

To be honest OP even if he was joking with his friends and does love you really, I'd expect a grown man to be past all the laddish / bullshit phase by now. Look at it the other way. If one of your friends starting taking the piss out of him being a young lad etc would you join in and put the boot in as well or feel hurt and defensive? He sounds like a juvenile twat. There are thousands upon thousands of threads on here written by decent, adult women who deserve SO much better than the shit they put up with. This one is no different.