Read something I wish I hadn't

[whenlifehandsyoulemon]

Brief overview

Partner is 8 years younger than me and we have been together 7 years (I am 40 and he is 32)

I've always been in shape and looked after myself, whereas he has been less worried about that, but I've never been bothered as I love him. I just have always loved the gym and feeling good with nice clothes etc.

We have an 18 month old son and I've not been able to obviously do as much taking care of myself as I used to, plus my body has changed post birth, breast feeding etc. so I already feel crap in myself.

Since the baby I feel like he thinks he can get away with saying things about my age etc. even if it's a joke, it still upsets me.

Anyway....

Earlier we had a bit of a disagreement and I went down his phone which I've NEVER done.

He's been messaging a friend of his about a night out and he said 'oh it's grab a granny after, you'll like that'

My partner replied 'I've got a 5 year plan and then I'm moving onto a younger model'

I feel sick. I wish I'd never seen it as I already feel so unattractive.

I don't really know what I want people to say, but I genuinely feel like it's the truth I feel that insecure.

He also hates living where we live and I know he wants to move where all his friends are, but logistically with a child it's just not viable atm, so I think the 5 year plan is the truth.

It could just be laddish talk. But you won’t know unless you talk to him. You do come across as being quite sensitive about your appearance, maybe because of the age gap and I don’t mean that as a criticism. It may be baby blues. I think you have to talk to him about how you’re feeling but you may be reading more into his macho men conversations than there is. You could approach it without mentioning what you saw on his phone and see how he responds. Having a baby can put a strain on a relationship as roles and responsibilities change and your lives are more restricted. Maybe you just both need a reset

Sorry I'm not replying to all of your comments separately! I wasn't expecting so many!

I’d leave, now, we’ll make him leave.

Pre baby I didn't think anything of the age gap. Post baby and it's constant, but I do feel this is due to how I'm feeling about myself in general.

As pp said make your own plan. He sounds shallow.

OP I just want to say he’s the same age as me but fuck me he’s not acting like it!! He’s a creep. What a twerp. Don’t stand for it and absolutely do not believe his little shitty put downs of you x

Is going back to your old job part time an option? I just think go back to work so you know you’ll have a job and daycare sorted then you won’t be completely lost if he blindsides you at some point.

It’s lovely to be home with the baby full time but you need a rock solid relationship and someone who’s 100% committed to your family for that. Puts his partner and child first. Appreciates what he has doesn’t want to lose it. Someone who makes jokes about five year plans, hates where he lives, constantly puts you down when you’re vulnerable and dependent on him isn’t that.

You’ll probably feel more yourself being round other people, getting dressed up to go in to work. Knowing you have reliable child care sorted when you need it is another bonus. Keeping your skills and contacts up to date. Build up your finances and keep an open mind. Get your independence back.

The jokes at your appearance are the most worrying thing in all of this IMO. Anyone can say something stupid to a friend in a txt and it’s taken out of context. But the fact he actually berates you to your face dressed up as a “joke” just wouldn’t sit right with me at all. A husband should be there to build you up not tear you down, no wonder you have low self esteem at the moment.

This is a horrible thing to read and I feel for you. However there’s a few things about this post that trouble me. Obviously the fact that you went through his phone isn’t great. Also the way in which you’ve taken what he said to heart so rapidly and then created a scenario where he feels like he’s the uglier one and now he doesn’t and now you do t look great etc etc It’s just so childish. I do understand feeling insecure and having crazy thoughts but if I was this upset I’d go to my partner not mumsnet. Your over focus on who’s the best looking one is the relationship also seems very toxic. Talk to him. Don’t accuse, take responsibility for your actions and behave like an adult.

It sounds like physical appearance is very important to you - how you see yourself, how he sees you, how his friends see you.

So you need to either prioritise that, or accept that it’s pretty trivial in the grand scheme of things.

He sounds like a total dick. Saying (in effect) that you’ll do for the next 5 years could just be banter, or it could reflect how he sees you, or it could be how he wants his friends to see him. Either way it’s a shitty comment to make.

Childcare and cleaner to be shared costs. Get your pension up to date.

Okay there are two separate issues here.

He is undoubtedly being a dick and it does sound like he thinks he has you in your place.

And you have also lost you.

Dealing with the first part is more tricky and while it's easy to say here that you should leave him, the reality is you probably need time to make that kind of decision.

But you can improve your own self esteem. I bet you still look great. Get back to work, feel better about yourself and who you are outside of being a mum.

It sounds like you were already needing a change so this is a good push.

But I wouldn't be able to resist dropping 'oh is it in the five year plan ' somewhere into conversation

I thought that when I was 38.

My husband WAS 20 YEARS OLDER! He has never been respectful to me since DD was born. It has been horrific. Some men change when a baby is born, because they know they now have the upper hand.

I am soon to be divorced. I am now 50 and my husband 70 and he thinks I am old.

My situation is extreme. But do not marry this man. You are young and this is anly going to get worse.

DD is 14, I am off, as she can say who she wants to live with. Please do not waste a decade, like me. Leave now.

This!

I’d fuck with him a bit. Drop ‘5 year plan’ into some bants and watch his face. Then I’d honestly get rid as soon as possible. He’s embarrassed about the age gap and is going to be zero support when you start actually ageing around the menopause.

I also gasped out loud reading that.

The “grab a granny” comment didn’t come out of nowhere. Your partner’s friend knew that particular brand of targeted nastiness was acceptable to him, and I’m sorry but it looks like that how he generally talks about you to his friend(s).

Just get out. His total lack of respect reeks. Thank god you have a good career to go back to.

Agree with PP, don’t tell him about the phone: maintain your upper hand and just move on.

From my own experience, relationships where one is seen as ‘punching’ are prone to issues. The passing of time gives insecure ‘punching’ males an opportunity to reverse the power imbalance. I didn’t wait around to find out, but I can see it would have been likely.

hes done a right number on you to put you in your place, hasn’t he? Constant negative comments to make him feel better and you feel unsure of yourself.
Go back to your job and leave the bastard. He’s awful and you deserve so much better than constant put downs and misogynistic comments.

Next time he says something negative say "Hey, you seem dissatisfied with me and our life together, why don't you start that 5 year plan of yours early, like right now? Go on, fuck off".

I'd never have the discipline to do this myself, but would be kind of cool.

how nasty grab a granny night sound like twats to me

When you met he probably loved having an older partner who was sophisticated and gorgeous, when he was yet to be successful and not particularly attractive. It's interesting when you look at narcissistic men, they often have an older partner when they're young. And then when they're older they have a much younger partner. For example, Warren Beatty went out with Leslie Caron and Joan Collins as a young man but ended up with twenty years younger Annette Bening.

My sister had a younger partner years ago. He was grateful I think to have her and couldn't do enough for her early in the relationship. But when he became more established and she was stuck with children he started with the 'banter'. Except that it's not funny if the jokes just on one person. Luckily she's with someone really lovely now, and he's got cosy nights out with his mates!!!

I'm worried this will only get worse OP if he's like this now. How insecure would you feel at 50 or 60 if he's still making these 'jokes'.

You need to go back to work and get your life back on track. Don't sacrifice your future for this twerp. I know you want to stay with your baby but you need to secure a future for the two of you. He is hitting you when you are vulnerable instead of building you up.

After reading that, I would dump him on the spot. And I certainly wouldn't marry him and give him legal entitlements to any of my property/money/pension etc, especially if yours are more vested than his.

OMG! My STBXH had a first wife, 10 years older, then me, 20 years younger. Thank you @Goosygandy.

Your partner and his friend sound like they have zero respect for women and need to grow up. Ask yourself if this is what you want to settle for. If you don’t want to admit to looking at his phone then you at least need to have a conversation with him about his comments and how he’s been making you feel lately. See if he takes it on board, apologies and works on improving but in the meantime get back to yourself, get back out there in the world and make your own plans to leave if things don’t improve.

I would not be making myself vulnerable by being a stay at home parent with this man.