Read something I wish I hadn't

[whenlifehandsyoulemon]

Brief overview

Partner is 8 years younger than me and we have been together 7 years (I am 40 and he is 32)

I've always been in shape and looked after myself, whereas he has been less worried about that, but I've never been bothered as I love him. I just have always loved the gym and feeling good with nice clothes etc.

We have an 18 month old son and I've not been able to obviously do as much taking care of myself as I used to, plus my body has changed post birth, breast feeding etc. so I already feel crap in myself.

Since the baby I feel like he thinks he can get away with saying things about my age etc. even if it's a joke, it still upsets me.

Anyway....

Earlier we had a bit of a disagreement and I went down his phone which I've NEVER done.

He's been messaging a friend of his about a night out and he said 'oh it's grab a granny after, you'll like that'

My partner replied 'I've got a 5 year plan and then I'm moving onto a younger model'

I feel sick. I wish I'd never seen it as I already feel so unattractive.

I don't really know what I want people to say, but I genuinely feel like it's the truth I feel that insecure.

He also hates living where we live and I know he wants to move where all his friends are, but logistically with a child it's just not viable atm, so I think the 5 year plan is the truth.

You've not been ripped apart on this thread!

Keep on commenting, don't let yourself be hounded out.

Thanks @Meraas 😘but a bit wary of my details going in DM, in all honesty, I think the OP should be too. There are alot of details.This is not what the OP needs.

She does not want him having the heads up.

Maybe it is why so many people seem so paranoid on here at the moment. I have never seen such troll hunting.

Thank you everyone.

I've drafted an email to my old boss and will send once I've figured some other logistics out.

I also want to sit tight, take a step back and assess this whole scenario. I need time to think as it's a log to take on board.

I've really appreciated everyone's comments and advice and am actually overwhelmed by the response.

I own the house with him and with the equity and if/when I go back to work I should be able to buy something nice enough for me and my LO, but right now I can't process that thought.

I do feel totally disrespected and I have never in any of my previous relationships have been insulted like this. Like most have said your partner should be supportive and more so with your feelings after a baby, but he's an immature man child who I deep down think isn't handling being a grown up (unless it suits him i.e his business).

I am going to speak to him about the hurtful comments, but I do feel worried it opens me up to be more vulnerable, but he needs to know! I'm doing this tonight for sure.

Again, thank you for all of your comments and advice - sorry I haven't been able to respond to some individually, but there has been so many! Ha

Xx

Jeez! As for the newspaper articles. Slow news day! What kind of journalism is that? It's crazy!!!

I'm not too worried about that though, but I'll hold off posting anything else that may reveal my identity.

Musti I find it very weird that friends and families kept saying that he’s punching. I’d be really hurt if I was him. As if your only value is how you look.

I think the phrase has become so common now that it means that a man has done well for himself in finding an attractive/desirable partner, not really that he is inferior. I doubt that most men his age would be offended by it these days.

Give yourself some time to process it all. You need to. It's awful to process the thinking you are in a good relationship to suddenly be confronted that it's not.

I'm glad you are keeping a good head on your shoulders and keeping a logical approach, which it's what you need right now.

By all means talk to him, but keep in mind that he will justify what he said and gaslight you. Don't be gaslighted. Whatever you do, make sure you and your LO will be OK.

All the best.

OP, your partner strikes me as having self esteem issues, which involve needing to put you down - to you and others in order to big himself up.

Something about the age difference, I feel made him feel more 'equal' to you, despite you being more physically attractive. Now that he sees a chink in your physical self confidence post-baby, he's pushing the knife in with comments to bring you down further. His comment to his friend, even if a joke, is designed to position himself above you.

Don't apologise for yourself post baby etc. this has nothing to do with that. A good, respectful, loving grown up man would be totally fine with any changes, and invested in supporting your shaken confidence. He is doing the opposite- sticking the knife in when you are low.

It sounds like you are totally equipped to get away from someone who does that. Obviously intelligent, naturally gorgeous, and with financial/career options. I'm wishing you luck and sending hugs. Xxx

Now you must prepare for all the possible things he will say:

If he is able to insult you with impunity, I suspect he may be quite good at getting you to do what he wants and getting the upper hand in an argument. If you are unprepared about what he will say and your subsequent responses, you will end up compromising, or even worse, accepting his weakass explanation.

Spend a little more time thinking about what YOU actually want to happen. There's a number of scenarios:

He apologises and says it was bants. He denies any plans to dump you. he denies having sex with desperate older women who frequent meat market nightclubs. He tells you how beautiful you are. You are soooo grateful that it was all a lie that you suck it up and forgive him. I actually feel that this is a possibility.Your thread title didn't say: "I wish he hadn't said it". It was: "I wish I hadn't read it". There is a strong possibility that he could turn you back to the state of ignorance you have been living in.

You are firm and powerful. You iterate exactly what you are bringing to this relationship (and that isn't a gym honed body), I mean important stuff, like being clever, bringing in money, being a great mum, being loyal and anything else that makes you wonderful. You tell him you know he has been with other women and plans to leave you. You explain that you might stay if he ditches his friends and you attend counselling together in order to find a firm basis for your partnership and some boundaries concerning respect for each other. You go back to work.

As above, except you tell him his ass is dumped

You sort out putting the house on the market, you sort out your job and you sort out good daycare, then you tell him you know what he has been up to. Then you buy him out, or kick him out

The first scenario is more likely if you are unprepared. I think you also need to ask him to see his phone messages right there, in front of you before he deletes them all.

LTB

Just get your ducks lined up, before you speak to him. Feel good about yourself, even have a few sessions with a life coach. Be in the know regarding papers and official documents, housing etc. Find your son a nursery you are confortable with and you happy back at work. Then decide how you want to continue.