Read something I wish I hadn't

[whenlifehandsyoulemon]

Brief overview

Partner is 8 years younger than me and we have been together 7 years (I am 40 and he is 32)

I've always been in shape and looked after myself, whereas he has been less worried about that, but I've never been bothered as I love him. I just have always loved the gym and feeling good with nice clothes etc.

We have an 18 month old son and I've not been able to obviously do as much taking care of myself as I used to, plus my body has changed post birth, breast feeding etc. so I already feel crap in myself.

Since the baby I feel like he thinks he can get away with saying things about my age etc. even if it's a joke, it still upsets me.

Anyway....

Earlier we had a bit of a disagreement and I went down his phone which I've NEVER done.

He's been messaging a friend of his about a night out and he said 'oh it's grab a granny after, you'll like that'

My partner replied 'I've got a 5 year plan and then I'm moving onto a younger model'

I feel sick. I wish I'd never seen it as I already feel so unattractive.

I don't really know what I want people to say, but I genuinely feel like it's the truth I feel that insecure.

He also hates living where we live and I know he wants to move where all his friends are, but logistically with a child it's just not viable atm, so I think the 5 year plan is the truth.

I think that I agree with @Sandra1984 about not showing your hand yet. Though it would kill me to do so. You can box clever and do some more digging.
The minute you tell him you looked at his phone, you will never get the chance again.
He will only minimise it, saying it was banter.

Keep it to yourself, because now you have the upper hand and can make your own plans.
What could the 5 year plan be? Shifting finances to avoid full child support ? Is he likely to go for 50/50 custody?
It's a horrible, dreadful heart wrenching thing to discover OP, but now you have the measure of him.
He's inadvertently shown you who he is

I was going to ask this too.
Are your assets part of his 5 year plan?

So he's habitually putting you down, and even more so now. He doesn't sound like someone you want to be with for the rest of your life, and what if he does the same to your dc? I'd get back to work and make yourself a plan.

This sounds like stupid banter. Can you ask him in passing what his 5 year plan is?

I’d leave the message, everyone has typed stuff they wouldn’t want their partner to read….

but !

I would go back to work if you can asap, part time, full time, ignore him, do it for you, your money, your pension contributions.

see this as a warning flare, he might be ok, he might be a total fucker but if you have your own money you can tell him to get to fuck if you need to.

It doesn’t sound like he was being serious but it does sound like he’s an arse.

Why would you want to be with someone who’s rude? You say he doesn’t compliment you in general and he’s rude about your nose, thighs, grey hair.

You say it was his personality rather than his looks that attracted you but his personality sounds a bit shit?

Just jolt him awake in the middle of the night and pretend he’s talked about the “five year plan / newer model” in his sleep. That way you can discuss it without admitting to looking at his phone.

A friend did the exact same when she snooped and rumbled an affair. Woke him up screaming “who the fuck is Laura and why are you dreaming about sex with her?”, caught him totally unawares and got a full confession. Genius.

secure your future and get your job back as soon as you could. Sorry you’re going through this.x

I don't think I'd want to be wasting five years wondering whether he's going to leave. That's a long time. Get him out!

OP I've been married over 20 years now and am no longer the young pretty woman my husband first met. He has never once said anything negative about my appearance or tried to make me feel inferior or as if he's embarrassed by any aspect of me. You can't marry this arsehole. He doesn't value you, he doesn't make you feel good about yourself. In fact, he's actively harming you by speaking about you the way he has.
Go back to work and I guarantee that once you are around people who value your skills, you will soon find who you are again. Don't shackle yourself to this immature loser!

Clever

Yes, I agree with Pictish, that's what I'd do. There's no point in talking to him, he's hardly going to admit it, is he?!?!

you can't live with a shoe dangling.

5 year fucking plan, who does he think he is? He can puss off and try to find a younger model that'll have him now. Wanker.

I don't really like the word "punching" in relationships. It's not nice for the other person, because they're being put down at the same time. Nobody wants to feel "lesser" in the partnership. Even the way you speak sounds like you think you were better than him in the looks dept. So maybe he is now feeling better about himself. I actually can't really blame the guy for that. Telling someone you don't care about their looks and love their personality isn't the compliment you think it is.

That being said, what he said to his friend is totally out of order. Either it was a joke, in which case it was a nasty one. Or he means it and you have a very big problem. There's no way out of this but to talk to him.

Unfortunately men do sometimes take the piss if one of their mates is with an older woman, as demonstrated by the "grab a granny" comment. The majority of men do still go for younger women. It's part of why age gap relationships are tough this way round. It would be great if other people just accepted it as the norm but they don't. If you were 32 and he was 40, no one would blink an eye but sadly its not true of the other way round. I don't agree with that but sadly that's how it is.

Talking is the way forward. Either you can hopefully resolve it. Or at least not be strung along for the next 5 years.

You should do this any way.

Keep your career, your sense of self and your financial independence.

Even more so if your relationship with your partner isn't clear cut.

And again I totally agree.

Firstly, don't say 'full time mummy'. I'm a full time mummy. Every mother is. Say SAHM and show the rest of us some respect, especially if we are taking the time to advise you. Secondly, STOP being a SAHM, get a job, your own bank account separate from his if you don't already, and start making your own 5 year plan, if not sooner. I'd never be dependent on a man for my income and home.

I wouldn’t say anything to him.
Id wait and see if he makes another comment on how you look and then ask him why he’s with you when he could get a younger model.
Im sure the penny will drop.
Get yourself back to work and doing what makes you feel good and don’t take a single instance of shitty remarks from him without being ready to retaliate

I agree with this.

Absolutely return to work. I say that as a SAHP - it's hard even with a partner who truly values and respects what you do, and as we have SEN in the frame one of us needs to be at home - it renders you impossibly financially vulnerable. In your position I would return to work if remotely possible, as the better your career goes, the better you can provide for your child and regain the confidence you need.

Thank God you didn't marry him. Much less complex as it is.

Do you own a home together, or rent - or is it in one person's name?

I'm afraid I am assuming it's over, too. There is a baseline of respect without which a relationship can't function. After seeing that, I'd never be able to have any affection for him, far less love. He has spoken of you with utter contempt and bone-deep disloyalty. Game over time, sadly.

If the house is yours then absolutely kick him out, and absolutely return to work asap. What childcare plans could you make, and how soon - have you family able to fill any gaps, given the lack of good childcare?

I am so very, very, very sorry that this has happened. And I wouldn't bother challenging him on it, no. I'd just say you no longer feel the same way about him and don't want to be with him. What's the point in getting into it? He's going to escalate the spite and it will just hurt more.

So sorry. You deserve infinitely better than this emotionally abusive arse.

Get yourself back physically to how you felt comfortable. Find a good nursery for your son. If you enjoyed your old job go back there even if it is for a few hours, otherwise look for another. Don’t worry about the money aspect of childcare or house cleaners, it’s just to show you are willing to go out into the world.
Take a screen shot of the message and hide it, do not tell him.

I look like the back end of a bus and have been happily married for donkeys. The good side to menopause is that if I read that I'd say "off you pop then..." regardless of sunk costs. Relationships are always a balance of power, however good they are.

However, I don't think this is about how he feels, more about how you feel...

I'd be looking to get your job back. Start looking after yourself more, etc.

Once you feel much more confident, then you can decide what to do about the tosspot's comments. If it's more comfortable for you to deal with him sooner, do what you'd have done prior to DC.

Oh and it doesn’t sound like he likes you much.
Were you a bit of a trophy for him or does he treat you well and speak respectfully to you the rest of the time?

Just to be clear. I have had a career for the past 20 years, I left to raise and be with my son until I was ready to go back. I have my own money and a job to go back to if I so wish.

In 10 years you will have a 11/2 year old, you will be 50 and menopausal.
It is a far worse feeling than being sleep deprived with a new baby. Especially if you feel unloved.
He will be 42.

Save yourself right now. Now, now.

Sorry I think he’s telling the truth and it’s not a joke. Do not marry him and I hope the house is yours. Look after yourself and get your confidence back then ditch it. You deserve a hell of a lot more then a weasel who threatens to leave you for a younger lady.

@Facecream this!! Thank you!