Read something I wish I hadn't

[whenlifehandsyoulemon]

Brief overview

Partner is 8 years younger than me and we have been together 7 years (I am 40 and he is 32)

I've always been in shape and looked after myself, whereas he has been less worried about that, but I've never been bothered as I love him. I just have always loved the gym and feeling good with nice clothes etc.

We have an 18 month old son and I've not been able to obviously do as much taking care of myself as I used to, plus my body has changed post birth, breast feeding etc. so I already feel crap in myself.

Since the baby I feel like he thinks he can get away with saying things about my age etc. even if it's a joke, it still upsets me.

Anyway....

Earlier we had a bit of a disagreement and I went down his phone which I've NEVER done.

He's been messaging a friend of his about a night out and he said 'oh it's grab a granny after, you'll like that'

My partner replied 'I've got a 5 year plan and then I'm moving onto a younger model'

I feel sick. I wish I'd never seen it as I already feel so unattractive.

I don't really know what I want people to say, but I genuinely feel like it's the truth I feel that insecure.

He also hates living where we live and I know he wants to move where all his friends are, but logistically with a child it's just not viable atm, so I think the 5 year plan is the truth.

This is how some men talk to each other, usually they grow out of this around 25. Even before then it is puerile and insecure.
He is talking nonsense, he is a childish man boy who needs to make these comments to feel superior. There seems to have been this underlying dynamic all along, you talking about “punching” says to me that you feel you have to compensate for being slightly older, by being the better looking one. Most relationships have one person who is better looking, but in a good relationship it isn’t an issue , as looks are pretty trivial in the scheme of things.
It seems he is very insecure and hasn’t grown up, and has positioned his whole identity as younger as you are older, rather than bloody well growing up a bit now he is no longer a twenty something, and he has a child.
I have the same age gap, neither of us feel the need to make the other feel small in order to feel better. He is using it as something to crush your confidence because he is inadequate, insecure, and lacking in maturity.
Your thoughts shouldn’t be “how to get back your old body shape “ etc, we all change after babies, and over time. Your thoughts should be do you want a partner who is like a fourteen year old emotionally, and who needs to feel superior to his partner ?
An eight year gap isn’t that large, maybe it has seemed bigger to you because he was still in his twenties, (it felt more of a thing to me then). After thirty it is nothing. Maybe both of you are stuck in the “young lad with older woman” image of yourselves, but he can’t cling to that any longer.

Useful article here, (don't know about their courses, haven't sampled them):

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

You also say he wants to move where his friends are. Do you?

I have never dated a man who taught he was punching above his weight that had not ended treating me like shit given some time. It is as if they cannot believe that an attractive person can love them so they start assuming you are not that good otherwise why the hell would you be with them?

Yes, at the start of my relationship with one of my exes he said "Why the hell is someone who looks like you even talking to me? ". Of course I told him not to be silly but as soon as I agreed to he his official girlfriend the negging started. He insulted my face, my body, my clothes, my intelligence, everything. I can take banter but it was incessant. I think he thought if he damaged my self esteem enough I'd never leave him but it had the opposite effect. I cheated repeatedly to seek validation from others (I know, it's bad) and in the end I did leave him.

OP I really do think you'd be better off without him.

His 5 year plan just became a 5 week plan if it were me. I could handle a joke about my age but not about my partner leaving me for someone else. I'd tell him don't put off what you can do today, off you fuck.

Go back to work
Who is funding everything now?
Who owns or rents your hone?
You clearly cannot rely on him
Are you paying from a personal income trust fund? or savings or ?

@whenlifehandsyoulemon - I agree with Upsidedownagain. Whether or not this relationship continues happily and for a long time for you, you will need to be back at work for yourself, however much you currently enjoy being a SAHP. Take the opportunity to return to work, even if for only part-time hours, as soon as you can. You are lucky to have that opportunity, not all of us do. My relationship aside, I deeply regret not having had a proper career in place instead of being a SAHP whilst my child was growing up (I became a mother just after my 39th birthday). I have had an empty nest for years now, and have felt unfulfilled since well before the nest was empty. I'm too old and decrepit nowadays to do anything about it, but please take my word for it and make sure take care of your future self in the present!

Haven't RTFT, but I agree with Sandra here.

7 years isn't even what I'd consider a real "age gap" it only is here because he's the younger one and he's the man. I would be devastated if my DH said something like that to his friend and on top of that making comments about your appearance just after you've carried and given birth to his child?? That's outrageous. You have to tell him what you read, I don't give a shit if he tries to deflect with the you looking at his phone stuff, he said those things and I don't know if I could come back from that tbh

only read the OP.

Joke or not, I’d be making my own 5yr plan just in case. Sounds negative but always prepare to stand on your own two feet and support yourself and your child, emotionally and practically. You may never need your back up plan but you can never wholly know what is going on in another person’s head and life is unpredictable. All the best.

I find it very weird that friends and families kept saying that he’s punching. I’d be really hurt if I was him. As if your only value is how you look.

But I don’t think I could get over how disrespectful he was and allowed his friend to be about you. His friends can take the piss out of him but not out of the woman he loves! I wouldn’t dream of telling a friend that she’s with a balding, fat, ugly or whatever man.

I would sit down and talk to him and see what he says. Definitely though, look at going back to work part time because it is better if you have choices and are independent.

@whenlifehandsyoulemon you were a whole, complete person before him and you can be again.

This is not the man you should marry. He is not a partner who you can rely on through sickness and grow old with. He is immature, unreliable and disrespectful at least and potentially a cheater to boot.

Dump him, work on yourself until you feel happy again and then if you feel like it, look for a real, genuine partner who will love and respect you no matter what because the current guy is more worried about what others think than how you feel and that is all wrong.

I would have been more inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt had you not mentioned that he picks at your appearance to your face as well. The fact that he is bold enough to make negative comments about your nose, your body size, your clothes, etc makes me wonder what else he is saying behind your back.

I'm not one to jump to "LTB!" (goodness knows my DH isn't perfect and has said some questionable things over the years) but I have to ask what he is contributing to your life. No wonder you feel uncomfortable in your skin.

With regard to the phone thing, I do understand that there is a level of trust there and most people would be annoyed if someone snooped on them. DH could go through my phone and he won't find anything dodgy or upsetting because it doesn't exist. If someone "goes mad" about it, that says a lot. Anger is a secondary emotion caused by embarrassment, panic, etc. If he "goes mad", it's because he knows he has something on his phone that shouldn't be there.

FWIW, I wouldn't go for an argument, just enjoy your time with the baby, use this to fuel confidence to instruct him to shut up if he criticises you, pull him up if he doesn't do enough housework and parenting and rebase your relationship to the extent you can. He may be unstuck once you become assertive if this is deep-seated unhappiness he now strangely feels confident to express and 'knock you down a peg or two'. I wouldn't presume the five year plan is hot air to make himself sound bigger to his friends and there is nothing he can do that isn't hot air to reassure you so I wouldn't mention it. Possibly reconsider any delay to career and return to work in light of this to avoid any unnecessary financial dependency and avoid marriage if you had the equity in the home. Good luck.

To be honest the mention of grab a granny is a red flag for misogyny anyway, never mind from a bloke with an older partner himself. The other comment, I mean... 😱

The 5 year plan would be, for me, unforgiveable and even if I chose to ignore it I think it would fester and change things irreversibly. I'd consider very carefully what your options are, or will be, especially if you choose to stay at home and double especially if you choose to do so before marriage.

Then I think there needs to be a very frank discussion around what you've read, what steps he needs to take to regain your trust. In the meantime, he needs to support you to feel more empowered (eg paying into a pension in your name, giving you time for study, friends and self care) though this needs to be led by you and your needs / wishes. And he needs to reassess where his loyalty lies... he doesn't need to ditch his mates, but needs to make it clear that his priority is his family. Sadly, from your posts here, to me he sounds like a bit of a pathetic man baby, so I don't know to what degree this will happen....

I wish you luck.

Op, you sound lovely and I'm sorry your DP is a dick.

I had my first child at 40 and get that you waited so long, you want to enjoy it.

Whilst the banter might just be egos clashing the comments about your nose, grey hair and thighs are not the comments from a man you would ever think about marrying. He does not cherish you.

I would start to make changes for you. Get yourself confidence back. You are only 40. You can still enjoy motherhood and work. Start making plans to go back. I left it too late and am struggling. Find a lovely childminder.

The rot has set in, watch him carefully and see if it's a pattern. We can all be dicks and lovely in varying measures but the pattern of negative behaviour will be the measure of this.

I couldn’t say nothing. Who cares if he says you shouldn’t have touched his phone, “I went through your phone because your negative behaviour towards me made me think I would find something about me on there, which I did!!!’

Don't be his stop gap. Don’t be too tired to stand up for yourself. A simple “ I knew I would find something so I looked. I saw your conversation with _ and saw that you want to trade me in for a younger model, and that you have a 5 year plan to leave me, so let’s save us both some time” Watch the panic on his face.

”to be honest I never saw our age gap as an issue, but after reading your messages I realise I could never be with someone as immature and small minded as you”

Sort which days he will have DS and see if you can return to work these days if FT isn’t doable.

Don’t stay quiet OP, you have one life, don’t live it feeling insecure with a manchild

xxx

Get your ducks in a row, do not marry - and when you are ready you leave with the parting response that you couldn't stand another five years with him - do not admit what you read but leave him wondering. I wish you well for the future.

OP, I've been married for over 30 years and DH and I have a weird sense of humour - we call each other baldy, couch potato, saggy tits and a few more names I prefer not to disclose publicly. There is a huge difference between humour in a relationship when both partners are in the same page to what he said to a friend.

"I've got a 5 year plan and then I'm moving onto a younger model'

My advice? Make sure you have a good job and move all your assets to your name. Don't make the mistake thinking that the message was just "male banter". No man who loves their partner/wife will make this kind of comment to a friend, even as a joke. It's insulting, disrespectful and treating you like an object.

He's showing you who he is, believe him. This is serious.

Wow that's really immature, I couldn't entertain being with someone who thought that was an appropriate way to talk about anyone, let alone the mother of their child. He obviously has zero respect for you, you deserve a million times better. Start getting your ducks in a row and leave him before he has the chance to leave you. You can wait out the 5 years of course but expect him to line someone else up before he does actually leave, they always do.

www.newsweek.com/new-mother-body-image-conscious-man-wants-younger-woman-1737952

Oh, second thread in 24 hours and I have been ripped apart on another thread for not expressing myself properly, deliberarely misleading people and being a troll.

Time to give mumsnet a rethink. I think.

All the best OP but I would not post more details It will be in the DM etc.

You gotta be kiddin 😂🤣 It must be a very very slow day in the news room. Lazy journos on holiday?

I don't get why mumsneters need to stop posting because tabloids are picking up the story. As long as the OP privacy is maintained, what's the problem?

Lets focus on the OP and disregard completely what the tabloids publish. It's usually a story nobody reads much anyway.

He should have shot his friend down immediately with the 'grab a granny' comment but he didn't, which suggests the friend knows your partner is fine with it (and therefore not the first time it's been mentioned).

Nothing to do with you, just two idiot men showing you the type of people they are. The 'jokes' about your hair etc are not jokes, they're digs to put you in your place.

You deserve better. I know it's easy for people not involved to tell you to leave when they aren't in the situation, but in this case they are correct. You should always be confident your partner will have your back and he doesn't.

You are a successful lady with a beautiful baby, you don't need someone like him. You're only 40! Plenty of time to meet a decent man (not that you need a man to be happy!).