Read something I wish I hadn't

[whenlifehandsyoulemon]

Brief overview

Partner is 8 years younger than me and we have been together 7 years (I am 40 and he is 32)

I've always been in shape and looked after myself, whereas he has been less worried about that, but I've never been bothered as I love him. I just have always loved the gym and feeling good with nice clothes etc.

We have an 18 month old son and I've not been able to obviously do as much taking care of myself as I used to, plus my body has changed post birth, breast feeding etc. so I already feel crap in myself.

Since the baby I feel like he thinks he can get away with saying things about my age etc. even if it's a joke, it still upsets me.

Anyway....

Earlier we had a bit of a disagreement and I went down his phone which I've NEVER done.

He's been messaging a friend of his about a night out and he said 'oh it's grab a granny after, you'll like that'

My partner replied 'I've got a 5 year plan and then I'm moving onto a younger model'

I feel sick. I wish I'd never seen it as I already feel so unattractive.

I don't really know what I want people to say, but I genuinely feel like it's the truth I feel that insecure.

He also hates living where we live and I know he wants to move where all his friends are, but logistically with a child it's just not viable atm, so I think the 5 year plan is the truth.

I know you feel (are) vulnerable OP, but really, you have more sense of self and agency than you will if you stay with this person. Promise you.

By the way, older women can still be gorgeous too, and I'm sure you are, it's just these narcissistic, insecure men are influenced by how society sees them and the superficial view of the partners they're with (eg attractiveness and being much younger) reflect that in their tiny little minds.

Ask what his plans are for 5 years time? A bit like an interview! Like a cat with a mouse. Toy with him a bit.

Get your career back and don't marry him. It's probably part of his '5 year plan', hence the recent engagement, a few years married, then take you to the cleaners.

I'm sorry OP, it must have come as such a shock to realise you were not in the partnership you thought you were.
You do sound like you are really down on yourself since you had your baby, which can sometimes happen. Especially if you used to be quite glam and put together, life with a small baby can take over and you lose a bit of your identity. But you will find yourself again in time, don't be too hard on yourself.
The thing is, a good partner would support you in this vulnerable time, not make you feel worse. The constant comments are horrible, he's being a dickhead.

Maybe there was some sort of ego thing for him in the beginning of the relationship (he was only 25 when you got together, men that age are still like teenagers generally), getting a glam older woman and that he never really saw it as a long term thing. I would second the pp who said don't wait until you're 50 and he's 42, you will be in a worse place in your like when he fucks off with your money to enjoy himself with a younger woman.

You should focus on keeping yourself financially independent and have your own plan.

How dare he disrespect you like this. Kindness is key in any relationship. You're in need of support, not being torn down for how long you've been alive compared to him. Chuck him out and good riddance. How would he feel if the boot was on the other foot?

Yes it's hurtful.
But it possibly comes from a place of being told he's punching for so long.
Whatever, I do think you need a proper conversation about this. If you're serious about your relationship then you need to be pulling together and supporting each other, not undermining each other. I probably wouldn't address the 5 year comment - it does sound like typical lads talk - but I would address all the underlying self-esteem issues.

You have to discuss this now. You don't have a choice.

I do agree with @Calmdown14 . If you were feeling good about your body and looks, would you be so threatened by this? His (completely dickish) comment seems to have hit a sore spot. In which case, look at how you can make yourself feel better (for you, not him).

The age gap is nothing. We have 16 years between us. (He is younger). However, he has never, ever, once been critical of my appearance...and I am no supermodel. He, however, is damn fine! This is what bothers me. That man should be praising you in private and public. You're a bloody goddess, especially once you have given birth, and partners should have each other's backs.

I wouldn't bother confronting him. He'll take the moral high ground and also say it was only banter etc etc. I would however, make sure you are talking to each other about future goals, plans, how to support one another etc etc. Talk about the changes since the baby and what lies ahead. You can also mention you could do with some emotional support. If he can't or won't do that, then he is a waste of your time.

I think there are a few issues here which are interlinked.

You have clearly been a successful, career-driven, well-groomed woman. And now you've had a baby and all the things that made you feel confident and attractive are wiped out. Do you feel like these things were what you brought to the relationship and how you wonder what you can offer? Feeling 'changed' is normal, for some it's six weeks and for others it's permanent. Most are somewhere in between. Either way, you are feeling vulnerable.

You've read a text message. You aren't privy to the context or the tone. 'Grab a granny' sounds like a slightly outdated joke about your age gap. His 'five year plan and model upgrade' is clearly a car reference, and is, if nothing else, not a literal '5 year plan'. It's an arsey thing to say (presuming in jest) but it wasn't intended for your eyes. You need to think about your relationship as it is, not by what he's said to one of his mates in text.

You admit that had you read this pre baby you would have presumed banter. It's hit a nerve, you are looking for him to reflect back what you bring to the relationship, and he hasn't done. Maybe he feels like things have changed. Maybe (worst case scenario) he does want out. You are both in the eye of the storm. But you are also entitled to this period of 'murk' without the fear your partner is wanting to leave, and to offer yourself for some forgiveness for this inevitable period of change and it reads like you don't feel that you are. These are the two pressing issues.

Exactly what I was going to say. You are already feeling down about yourself - he has not been a supportive partner. You have enough reason to move on from him without the message you saw.

I'd find it hard to come back from that; it would eat away at me. In fact, it would probably cause a blazing argument because I would raise it the next opportunity I got. The fact that you are not planning to do so indicates that you seem to under his control to some extent, or your boundaries are poor as to what it acceptable and what is not in a relationship in terms of mutual respect.

However it panned out, I think it would spell the death knell for any relationship. How could you continue knowing thats what he's thinking about or how he views you.

I had a younger boyfriend once and it used to worry me, I must admit. Although as a pp says above, he ended up marrying an older woman, and having found out what I did, I would be surprised if she is his last wife, sadly.

Id say the 5 year plan is to marry you and financially secure himself with your money before he moves on to his younger model. Consider seeing his message a gift. This man is not worthy of you. He makes you feel bad to your face and is even worse (and utterly misogynistic) behind your back. Get rid of him, claim child support, go back to your career and don't look back. You sound amazing, he is a fool.

You looked at his phone, which means you had a trust issue already... right? That might be even more important than the text you found. So you might want to explore that.

As for his text… I cannot for the life of me fathom why someone would get engaged if they had a five-year plan to leave. This makes me think maybe that part is just stupid banter, and that he doesn’t plan to leave you.

But the “banter” itself isn’t cool, it’s very immature and disrespectful. And the comments he makes to your face are horrific and abusive. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.

Like some other posters have said, I’d be seriously thinking about making your own plan to escape.

yep.100%

i like the posters idea about asking his 5 year plan!
you could word it like this: ‘Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?’ 🤣

my guess is that he didn’t mean it. But it shows a lot about his character. He doesn’t respect you. He’s not loyal to you and has an insecure ego. You deserve much better than this twat.

I cannot thank all of you enough for taking the time out to send me your messages of advice. Most of it I really am taking on board.

I think that my first step is getting me back, well as much of me as I can. Making time for some self care. If that helps, I do feel I'll be in a better position to handle everything and I definitely want to go back to work (I always have) but LO is still just that.. little so I just don't want to waste this precious time and miss a much.

I’m so sorry OP. That must’ve been awful to read.

This “punching” business sounds as childish and unpleasant as the “granny” business tbh. It seems to me that the relationship will always be about jockeying for position, and about whose stock is higher.

I would have a serious conversation and if the relationship is unsalvageable, separate as amicably as possible with your child’s welfare paramount. If you both decide to make a go of it, the immature comments about punching and age need to stop. These men are 34 not 19. And make it clear that you won’t be moving whilst it’s not in your child’s best interests.

I think having a child always changes the balance of power in a relationship.
You were older so probably more established in your career too.

Now you’ve lost part of who you are as a woman and a profesional because your life is being a mum.
He has his own business which is doing well so more ‘power’.

The result is that you feel you crap about who you are and he feels embolden, like somehow he could get anything he wants, like a new younger woman.
that’s a crap combination really.

Now why would he say ‘I’m waiting 5 years’?
Thats what one would say if they feel they can get some advantage from staying out, eg because they dint have any money. So what’s in it for him? Is that about being married and sharing assets?

In the mean time, no you can’t tell him what you read.
But you can tell him you want to be back to being yourself. You can tell him you want to go out again with friends and he is staying at home with his toddler. You can start going to the gym, buying clothes that are flattering you NOW etc… You can go back to feel good about yourself, who you are and your body.
You can ensure there is more balance in your relationship re parenting and HW. I mean your life has changed but his is supposed to have changed too!! (Even if not in the same way if he is still working and you’re not).
I’d look at going back to work. For yourself, your self esteem and because it will rebalance things in your relationship.

And then look at how things pan out. It might have been just banter or more serious or just an idea at the back of his mind he hasn’t quite acknowledged to himself yet.
But at least you will be back to being you, regardless of what will happen

Vile prick!! How disrespectful

Tell him you've brought his plan forward by five years and get rid of him

Even if it is banter he is an immature cunt.

I think you need to admit that you went through his phone and tell him what you found - and how it made you feel. You have a child together and are planning to marry, so you need to make sure you’re on solid ground, not quicksand.

He didn’t say it to the OP, though. He said it to a friend. It’s not ‘bants’ when its in that context. It’s fucking disrespectful. I’m late 40s and currently pregnant, I’m a little older my than DH. He only has the loveliest things to say about me, how good I look pregnant, how happy he is that he is having a baby with me, etc etc and would never ever say anything remotely like this behind my back! It’s a breathtakingly cunty thing to say about the mother of his child.

Banter is harmless verbal, humorous sparring between two consenting people. This is not banter

So his friend said he has been saying it for years?

Did he mean to go for a younger model? Have I misread?If not they are both tossers.