Tonight DH has...

[OrchardBlack]

Any advice right now would be so appreciated.

I work in emergency services. Today I had an awful job that and generally been feeling burnt out. I messaged DH as I was leaving work saying tonight I want us in bed, snacks, cuddles/sex and reconnecting. We've had a lot going on and have been feeling increasingly distant from him.

He replied "I told you I'm out with the lads tongith". I asked if he could cancel. "I'm leaving in 20 mins and I'm looking forward to it". I replied saying he only went out with them 4 days ago and told him the brief circumstances of the job I'd had and I'd really like to see him. He replied 'That sounds horrid and I'm sorry". I replied saying he's prioritising going out with his friends again over his wife.

As I was driving back from work he passed me in his car, going to the pub, and waved.

He left me on read and hasn't replied for 2 and a half hours.

I've been crying at the dining room table and now just getting into bed feeling so alone.

He has form for shutting down, we are in marriage counselling which seemed to be working but now this.

I'm so upset.

Am I being ridiculous?

I’m sorry but you’re being unfair to your dh.

He already had plans, I don’t think he should cancel them because you had a crap day. Maybe, instead suggest keeping an evening free next week to spend some time together.

Thank you for responding.

I think I just thought that as he had only seem them literally a few days ago some things take priority. It really was a horrific job and when I close my eyes I keep seeing it 😞

I know I would rearrange if things were reversed, and I have done.

I do appreciate your candor though!

You’re projecting your crappy day into him. He’s done nothing wrong!

It's a difficult one. Tbh my DH would have cancelled. But that only reflects our relationship. Only you can know if he's being a twat 🤷🏼‍♀️

I mean, I would also want my DH to cancel, but even I can tell that you're being unreasonable. Sorry it's so awful, but he did have the plans first and he's not unreasonable at all to not cancel them. (Even though this isn't AIBU).

@poorbuthappy he would usually I'm sure, but now he's leaving me on read, things have not been great for a while.

I just feel like it's always me prioritising him (he has 4 kids from his first marriage, we have a wonderful relationship that I've worked hard at over the years), yet he can't just tell the lads he will have to rain check on this one and go to the one next week instead.

Well I think he was just going out with the lads, not going to see a west end show costing £££. He could have cancelled, but only if you had said you needed him because you were upset and wanted a shoulder to cry on. If you said this and he rejected you, then he was Unreasonable(and a shit). If you just said you were home soon and was looking forward to a cosy evening in when he had other plans, then you were U.

men and women are not mind readers, and sometimes it helps to be very clear about what you want.

This isn’t a one off, is it OP? If it were, you wouldn’t feel so sad. What are you in marriage counselling for?

I agree with PP, you're being unfair, he had plans, said he was sorry but ultimately I don't think it's fair under these circumstances to expect him to drop everything and stay in.

Plus! You didn't take his first answer and tried to manipulate him into changing his mind by saying he was prioritising going out with his friends over you, that's pretty bad form and I'm glad he stuck to his guns and went out.

I know you've had a tough day but crying over this and being so upset isn't doing you any good. As a therapist might say "sit with your feelings"
Then maybe do something positive eg bath, yoga, netflix, hot chocolate, phone a friend - whatever will help chill you out x

OP I hope you’re okay. Is there any family member who you can talk to? I know the feeling of wanting your other half there when you’re having an horrific day all too well. It’s not a nice feeling. Regardless whether he is in the right or wrong, it’s not a crime to need your other half. Get some snacks, get in bed and watch a good movie and rest x

Agree with others, it isn't his fault. Take it in the chin and have a nice night with him tomorrow.

Yanbu a supportive partner would cancel the lads night out and stay home with you x

@hewouldwouldnthe Thank you. I said to him very clearly what an awful time I had had and I would love to see him and talk it through a bit as it was so fucking shit tbh. (I'm pretty hardened and usually just keep jobs to myself) He said he was getting ready and was looking forward to it, then ignored me.

God if my husband messaged me to say he wanted me in bed for snacks and sex ajd to cancek olans wifh friends because he'd had a bad day, I'd think he was a smidge controlling or that he was joking.

I've not got another evening free for 8 days. He does know this.
The lads drinks was arranged today at 2PM, he goes every week at least once.

Reading all your comments though and can see the merit of each one x

How often does he usually see his friends?

Unless it's multiple times a week every week then I don't think he's doing anything wrong, he already had plans tonight. Were you aware he had plans?

If so I don't think you should have tried to guilt trip him to cancel. Can't you have a night together tomorrow/at the weekend?

If a friend had text me that they really needed a debrief after a day like yours I would've cancelled my plans and gone to be with her. Seeing as he was only out a few days ago he could've put you first. and for you OP.

Maybe another side of the same coin - I’ve had a really bad day today (HCP) and just got home to find other half keen to be kind, supportive, chat, make food…….but all I’ve got bandwidth for is a long shower and sleep. I would be thrilled to be alone tbh.

In the gentlest way OP, I don't necessarily think that he's particularly done anything wrong tonight.

However, it's not just tonight is it? That's the issue, that this is ongoing issue where you feel like you are not his priority and you're left feeling alone, which isn't what anyone wants when they're in a partnership.

I'm sorry you've had such a bad day it would be good to talk about this in your next counselling session.

My DH would have cancelled his plans for me.

I'm sure he has been looking forward to it but a 'lads night out' isn't something that can't be missed or rearranged tbh.

If he felt awkward at cancelling at short notice, he could say 'I'll go for an hour, you have a bath and I'll bring some takeaway home" or something.

I'm sorry you had a traumatic day OP. Your DH should be there for you in this circumstance.

I'm with you, OP. I think this scenario is why we have significant others, because we can lean on each other when life gets tough. I would expect my other half to stay home for me if I had explained the situation and his plans had been impromptu

I don't know why you're getting a hard time OP. My DH would cancel his plans as I would if he asked me to be there after a rubbish day.

I think you need to consider what you get from this 'partnership'.

I was going to say you were being unreasonable but reading your later posts I do t think so- he’s only arranged to see his friends today at 2, had seen them at the weekend and always sees them once a week, I think he’s being pretty unsupportive.

Im sorry you’ve had such a horrible day x

Thank you.
As I said, it's a twice a week thing usually, sometimes once. The last time was on Sunday. We haven't had a night us two in about 3 weeks.

Pp is right there is more to it. I feel generally very alone and unappreciated all the time, hence the counselling. The counsellor has been amazing and gave him some coping strategies to try and be more thoughtful, it was great for a while but now this and I'm just feeling so unsupported again.

Thank you so much x