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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tonight DH has...

187 replies

OrchardBlack · 24/08/2022 20:43

Any advice right now would be so appreciated.

I work in emergency services. Today I had an awful job that and generally been feeling burnt out. I messaged DH as I was leaving work saying tonight I want us in bed, snacks, cuddles/sex and reconnecting. We've had a lot going on and have been feeling increasingly distant from him.

He replied "I told you I'm out with the lads tongith". I asked if he could cancel. "I'm leaving in 20 mins and I'm looking forward to it". I replied saying he only went out with them 4 days ago and told him the brief circumstances of the job I'd had and I'd really like to see him. He replied 'That sounds horrid and I'm sorry". I replied saying he's prioritising going out with his friends again over his wife.

As I was driving back from work he passed me in his car, going to the pub, and waved.

He left me on read and hasn't replied for 2 and a half hours.

I've been crying at the dining room table and now just getting into bed feeling so alone.

He has form for shutting down, we are in marriage counselling which seemed to be working but now this.

I'm so upset.

Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
lovelychops · 24/08/2022 21:05

I'm in the minority but I think he could have cancelled. The lads drinks isn't a priority it's a regular thing so not a big deal to not go one week. I think, given that you've explained the circumstances and you're actually asking for help then it would be kind to be supportive to you. Even if he'd waited till you got home to offload a bit. He's sounds a bit selfish I think.
Hope you're OK.

SameToo · 24/08/2022 21:06

Sorry you had a bad day today. But if my DH had to cancel for every bad day I had at work he’d never leave the house!

On the flip side, if I had plans and he’d said he’d had a bad day I’d definitely give him a call or wait to have a chat with him but I wouldn’t automatically cancel my plans and would be a bit put out if he asked me too.

frozendaisy · 24/08/2022 21:10

If you only get one evening at home every 8 days doesn't counselling recommend that this is the one evening you hang out together?

I would be pissed off OP if it was only local regular drinks I mean honestly what can't wait until next session. They wouldn't miss him once or twice. But it's easy to say we have a different marriage.

As he is out bath, trashy book, body lotion, face masks, sex and the city on TV, whatever your girlie trash pick me up, can you call a friend and have a whinge about work and husband that usually helps.

IsleofDen · 24/08/2022 21:10

Emergency Services staff are at acute risk of PTSD and feeling secure while you process what happened is vital to lower that risk. I’m assuming that you don’t do this every week?

If this is a one off, he’s a prick and it sounds like he has already checked out of the relationship. I can’t imagine not being there for a friend if they needed it, let alone a partner.

CrystalCoco · 24/08/2022 21:11

It's a bit of a drip-feed that you haven't had a night together for 3 weeks and your next night off isn't for another 8 days.

Did you have plans to see each other this evening and he made impromptu plans with the boys, or you weren't seeing each other tonight anyway?

It doesn't sound like a relationship tbh if you literally never see each other?

pipwoes · 24/08/2022 21:12

@OrchardBlack I get it and you sometimes need to be put first. My DH would never cancel friends for me I'm sure. I get it. I hope you're ok

Hiddenvoice · 24/08/2022 21:16

I’m sorry you had such a rubbish day.
I think the bigger problem is that this is the only night you’ll have together for another 8 days and he would rather be out with friends. Did you spend any time together the last few days? If so then he just wanted a night of fun and it’s not his fault you had a bad day. He left you on read as he doesn’t want to start an argument. He isn’t thinking of it making you more upset.
if you haven’t spent any time together over the last few days then I suggest you chat to him, at another point, to say you need to make time to spend with each other and he can go out with friends nights you are working.

OrchardBlack · 24/08/2022 21:18

This reply has been deleted

We aren't able to let posts mentioning suicide method on the boards.

TooHotToTangoToo · 24/08/2022 21:19

OP if I'd been in your shoes and said that to my dh he'd have cancelled his plans and stayed at home with me.

I know a lot of pp have said yabu and he already had plans, but sometimes you just need your dp, if it wasn't a long standing arrangement, something special that had taken a lot of planning I'd have expected my dh to have stayed at home. I spent years being the 'cool wife' which resulted in my feelings becoming second best, and ultimately me getting a divorce. I've now remarried a wonderful man who , wherever possible put me first

TokyoTen · 24/08/2022 21:21

I mea. This kindly just because I think you need to hear it. You need a different way of disconnecting from your job other than your DH.

rocksonrocks · 24/08/2022 21:23

GiftIdeasAlwaysNeeded · 24/08/2022 21:01

In the gentlest way OP, I don't necessarily think that he's particularly done anything wrong tonight.

However, it's not just tonight is it? That's the issue, that this is ongoing issue where you feel like you are not his priority and you're left feeling alone, which isn't what anyone wants when they're in a partnership.

I'm sorry you've had such a bad day Flowers it would be good to talk about this in your next counselling session.

Yes agree with this.

Sorry you had a rough shift. Hope you find the support you need. Flowers

Original poster
OrchardBlack · 24/08/2022 21:23

Jesus christ @TokyoTen what makes you think I don't? I have a wonderful family and friends but sometimes you need your husband/wife. I have never asked him to prioritise me before.
Tbh the shit I see and when he asks how my day was I just say it was 'Fine'.
But today I needed him, and he is at the pub with his mates, just like he is at least twice a week.

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 24/08/2022 21:23

Oh OP. I work in healthcare and I know what those days are like, some of the things I see behind my eyelids are so mentally battering. I do hope you're ok.

It's one of those situations unfortunately, I don't really think he's wrong for not cancelling his plans with 20mins notice, but it'd have been really nice if he had... Just told the boys he was needed unexpectedly, climbed into bed with you and given you a nice foot massage or something. Honestly when you've had one of "those" days and all you want is cuddles, the reality of life and all its business and plans and obligations can feel like much more of a personal slap in the face than they actually are.

You have my utmost sympathy for how down you're obviously feeling. A beaten down mind isn't always perfectly rational and that's ok. Sometimes we just need our person to hold onto, even if they're busy! I sometimes have to hold myself back from resenting my husband when he's occupied but I need him to lean on. It's ok to be human.

harriethoyle · 24/08/2022 21:27

@OrchardBlack 💐and 🍷for you. Hope you are OK.

ehb102 · 24/08/2022 21:27

If I said "I need you" and my partner said "no", I'd be hurt and disappointed.

If I never asked that, I'd expect my partner to realise that this is an emergency, an unusual situation that needed a new approach.

If I asked for support and my partner said "No, sorry, I have once in a life time tickets to a live band tonight" I'd be sad but understanding, depending on the level of apology.

If I asked for support and my partner said "No, I'm off for a repeat of the same thing I did Sunday and twice a week for months before that" I'd feel deeply hurt and think that he valued supporting me way less than he did going to the pub with his mates. In fact. I'd think either he was an alcoholic or he was having an affair.

LizzieSiddal · 24/08/2022 21:29

Goodness sake, so you told him what had happened today at work, and for the first time ever asked if he could cancel plans so you could be with him, and he says no and bloody well waves at you as he passes you in the car.
Plus you’re in counselling so knows you’re working on your relationship.

He’s selfish and unkind, at the very least he could have stayed at home for half an hour just to check you were ok!

IsThePopeCatholic · 24/08/2022 21:29

I think a supportive and loving partner would have cancelled his plans. It sounds like you really could have done with someone to talk to. My dh would definitely have cancelled his plans and stayed at home. I hope you manage to get some rest.

MyDogandClowns · 24/08/2022 21:30

I'd be very disappointed if my husband prioritised a (nother) night out with his mates over supporting me after a heartfelt plea to please support me after a rough day.
It shows where his priorities lie and that is not with you.

Caveat, I think the suggestion by you of bed and sex was rather an unfortunate way of asking.

OldFan · 24/08/2022 21:31

@OrchardBlack I think you have a point. Especially as he left you on read, didn't even reply. It does seem like he isn't invested in the relationship, even though you're already in couples' counselling so he knows things aren't ideal. He'd rather go out on the piss than support you when you particularly need it. Sad

It's not like he couldn'tve had a night out later in the week, or next week.

Pudmyboy · 24/08/2022 21:32

No advice just 💐to you @OrchardBlack , I hope you get debriefing/counselling at work but suspect probably not, or not in a way that is most helpful. Thank you for helping that poor man, even though the outcome was so sad.

Badger1970 · 24/08/2022 21:37

You've asked for some support and come back empty handed.

Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life?

DH would drop any plans if he was asked to stay home, because it's something I'd ask so very rarely. As I would for him. Isn't that the entire point of being in a relationship in the first place?

I'm sorry you had such a bad day Flowers

Moonflower12 · 24/08/2022 21:38

I'm in the minority here and think he should have cancelled.
As it's a weekly thing , not a one off.

My DP was in the ambulance service until very recently and I know how some jobs really got to him. Paediatric ones, suicides etc.

If he'd asked me to cancel plans because of a shit day, I would have.

You don't have time anymore to unload to your colleagues as you're expected to go to the next job, and the next one of sit on standby on a lonely lay-by. Those I suppose standby is a thing of the past probably?

I hope you manage to unwind tonight and remember you're doing an amazing job, that normally saves lives and only a few are brave enough to do.

frazzledasarock · 24/08/2022 21:39

I think your husband is very unreasonable.

I know for a fact my DH would drop everything and stay with me if I needed him to comfort me and be there under such a traumatic circumstance.

you don’t sound like you usually ask him to give up his plans, so him doing his regular going down the pub with mates over supporting you this time shows he doesn’t prioritise you.
I’d feel hurt and taken for granted too in this scenario.

What would be the way forward for you? How do you see your relationship moving forward?

quietnightmare · 24/08/2022 21:40

He's out of order and you know it. He should be with you supporting you not out at the pub with mates. My husband wouldn't of needed asking to stay. You need support. Get yourself on the phone to family and or friend, get a funny film on and snack in bed, screw it order a takeaway just for YOU, take a nice bath and try your hardest to reload or distract yourself. You need some self care. You can do this yourself

RandomMess · 24/08/2022 21:40

I think as you haven't had an evening together in a while and won't have for weeks AND he saw his mates down the pub Sunday he should have not agreed to go in the first place.

You don't seem high up his priority list and that's whilst being in marriage counselling!!!

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