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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tonight DH has...

187 replies

OrchardBlack · 24/08/2022 20:43

Any advice right now would be so appreciated.

I work in emergency services. Today I had an awful job that and generally been feeling burnt out. I messaged DH as I was leaving work saying tonight I want us in bed, snacks, cuddles/sex and reconnecting. We've had a lot going on and have been feeling increasingly distant from him.

He replied "I told you I'm out with the lads tongith". I asked if he could cancel. "I'm leaving in 20 mins and I'm looking forward to it". I replied saying he only went out with them 4 days ago and told him the brief circumstances of the job I'd had and I'd really like to see him. He replied 'That sounds horrid and I'm sorry". I replied saying he's prioritising going out with his friends again over his wife.

As I was driving back from work he passed me in his car, going to the pub, and waved.

He left me on read and hasn't replied for 2 and a half hours.

I've been crying at the dining room table and now just getting into bed feeling so alone.

He has form for shutting down, we are in marriage counselling which seemed to be working but now this.

I'm so upset.

Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
HangingOver · 24/08/2022 22:21

Yes. He had existing plans. If he'd chosen to go out after you told him you had a shit day, you might have a point, but as it stands, yabvu

Just out of interest what's the threshold of trauma OP would have had to witness for you to think he should cancel? I think some people don't realise what emergency services have to look at one a daily basis!

SpaghettiNoodle · 24/08/2022 22:23

I have a male friend whose wife works in emergency services, and he’s cancelled plans more than once when she’s dealt with a child fatality in the day. We’ve always understood that no one should go home to an empty house after that and have never questioned him cancelling!

MoonlightMedicine · 24/08/2022 22:24

If you were my friend, I'd have cancelled my plans to be with you if you'd asked. And this is your partner. I don't think it's too much to ask at all.

Sorry you've had such a tough day. Flowers

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 24/08/2022 22:24

My dh would have cancelled without question.
Sorry you are feeling rubbish op.
My exh wasn't emotionally available..
Ever..
Exh

Forestgate · 24/08/2022 22:27

This reply has been deleted

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TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 24/08/2022 22:27

(((HUG)))

in all honesty I think you're wasting your time in couples therapy/marriage counselling. And that's without knowing what happened that made you do that in the first place.

I think it's time to 'be done' with your marriage, there doesn't seem any point in talking or 'having it out' he'll only prove what a twat he is or 'say' the right things, but you need to oay attention to his actions not his words (words are cheap)

Tonight he's shown you how little he cares, pay attention to that!

I KNOW it's not easy to decide it's over & follow it through. Especially when it's a 'straw' not a huge event.

my straw after 10 years together, was 'someone offered him a cigarette'

Sounds funny now, but it wasn't at the time.

you WILL be fine on your own, it's easier/better than having someone who should be there for you, but isn't!

be strong!!

rnsaslkih · 24/08/2022 22:28

He needs to reassess his priorities. It sounds like it was quite a lot worse than a “crappy” day and that he should have cancelled a general weekday pub outing to help the OP.

Original poster
OrchardBlack · 24/08/2022 22:29

Oh just stop it @Forestgate that is a fucking horrible thing to say and if you have seen my previous posts you will see that is not the case at all.

OP posts:
TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 24/08/2022 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

There's a brilliant function that allows you to at least read all the OP's posts, or you can just tap the next button on each post.

Aeio · 24/08/2022 22:30

He's out of order for arranging it in the first place when you won't have another evening for over a week, nevermind refusing to cancel.

ErrolTheDragon · 24/08/2022 22:31

rnsaslkih · 24/08/2022 22:28

He needs to reassess his priorities. It sounds like it was quite a lot worse than a “crappy” day and that he should have cancelled a general weekday pub outing to help the OP.

Yes. Can't believe the people giving the OP a hard time on top of the day she's had.

I'm sorry OP - I'm guessing if he's not home yet he knows he's been shitty and unsupportive and doesn't know how to face you.

AramintaLee · 24/08/2022 22:31

Hi OP. I appreciate there's more to this then him not changing his plans at the last minute to support you tonight... I'm not sure he's done anything wrong tonight but clearly in your view there's a pattern of behaviour that needs to be addressed.

However, considering the day you've had, I would urge you to sleep on it. You've obviously had a traumatic day and emotions are running high. I would stop looking at WhatsApp and what he's up to for now and go to bed.

It's likely he hasn't replied because he thinks he's in for an earful. He obviously knows you're not happy right now and in his mind, he's probably indignant thinking he's done nothing wrong.

You both just need to let the emotions settle a bit and then perhaps have a conversation about how you can better support each other.

Sorry you've had such a rubbish day. Tomorrow is a fresh start 💐

shreddednips · 24/08/2022 22:33

Jeez wtf is going on with some of these posts. I've had a crappy day- dispute with a client, washing machine flooded the kitchen, crabby toddler. I may well be unreasonable to ask my husband not to go to the pub if he had plans. What OP has gone through today is well beyond crappy, i can't get my head around how anyone could consider her to be unreasonable!

Floweryflora · 24/08/2022 22:36

I’m sorry you had such a hard day, I do think though you’re being very unfair. You knew he was going out but you texted him, overriding his plans with “I want” and expected him to comply, what he wanted and had planned wasn’t relevant to you.

I don’t think I’d have cancelled if my husband did this to me. In fact I would be quite pissed off if he did, and I’d also leave him on read..at the least I’d expect a phone call saying god I’ve had a terrible day do you think you can stay with me, a text telling me I was expected in bed for a shag becayse hed had a bad day, would royally fuck me off.

And we have a good marriage, but then he wouldn’t do this, so possibly that’s why.

Teenprobs · 24/08/2022 22:38

shreddednips · 24/08/2022 22:33

Jeez wtf is going on with some of these posts. I've had a crappy day- dispute with a client, washing machine flooded the kitchen, crabby toddler. I may well be unreasonable to ask my husband not to go to the pub if he had plans. What OP has gone through today is well beyond crappy, i can't get my head around how anyone could consider her to be unreasonable!

Exactly my thoughts. Quite frankly I wouldn't want to be alone if I had witnessed something so traumatising. He could have at least compromised and said lads I'm staying with my wife for a bit, seeing how she is I may or may not join you in a bit. The OP would have probably said you go out thanks for staying in etc.

Floweryflora · 24/08/2022 22:38

shreddednips · 24/08/2022 22:33

Jeez wtf is going on with some of these posts. I've had a crappy day- dispute with a client, washing machine flooded the kitchen, crabby toddler. I may well be unreasonable to ask my husband not to go to the pub if he had plans. What OP has gone through today is well beyond crappy, i can't get my head around how anyone could consider her to be unreasonable!

Really! So knowing your spouse is going out, if you have a bad day you think it’s ok to text them and say “I want you in bed for sex?” Not even a phone call? Just a text demanding a shag? You think this is acceptable? Because the fuck I do or would let my husband demand this of me,

VaccineSticker · 24/08/2022 22:40

You are not being unreasonable!

ErrolTheDragon · 24/08/2022 22:40

'snacks, cuddles/sex and reconnecting' isn't 'demanding a shag'.

HMSSophia · 24/08/2022 22:41

Another voice saying he should have cancelled. He's supposed to love you, to cherish and support you (and vice versa). In actions and words. Otherwise you're just another mate. I'm sorry.

knackeredagain · 24/08/2022 22:42

Do you think there could be an element of him not knowing how to handle what you have been through? When you work with trauma you sometimes forget just how shocking some of what you deal with is to other people.
That isn’t to take away from your own trauma - and you are absolutely reasonable to want your husband to be there while you process it. I’m just wondering if his distance is him not knowing how.

ErrolTheDragon · 24/08/2022 22:42

And if I'd had the sort of experience I can only imagine the OP has had, I think I might well have forgotten if DH had said he was going out for a regular night out with the lads type of thing.

Ffs.

shreddednips · 24/08/2022 22:42

My reading of OP's updates is that she didn't just text him demanding a shag- she told him what had happened. I just can't imagine my partner messaging me telling me they'd witnessed something like that and going on a night out.

Whowaswrongg · 24/08/2022 22:42

I think my DH would offer but I wouldn’t ask him too and I’m not actually sure if I’d take him up on the offer.

If a friend cancelled last minute because her DH had a bad day and wanted snacks and sex, I wouldn’t be impressed.

Floweryflora · 24/08/2022 22:43

ErrolTheDragon · 24/08/2022 22:40

'snacks, cuddles/sex and reconnecting' isn't 'demanding a shag'.

“I want us in bed for snacks cuddles and sex” is absolutely demanding a shag, I see you left the “I want “ out,

I think this is based on gender, if a woman posted she was going out, and her husband texted her saying I want us in bed for sex, cancel your night out, I had a bad day and then was texting saying when are you coming home, we need to talk when she was out. The responses would be ltb.

Notonthestairs · 24/08/2022 22:45

"I think some people don't realise what emergency services have to look at one a daily basis!"

Yes this.

Cancelling a run of the mill night down the pub (especially when you were there 4 days ago) to support the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with would require little thinking.

I certainly wouldn't bloody drive past them without stopping to check on them!