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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tonight DH has...

187 replies

OrchardBlack · 24/08/2022 20:43

Any advice right now would be so appreciated.

I work in emergency services. Today I had an awful job that and generally been feeling burnt out. I messaged DH as I was leaving work saying tonight I want us in bed, snacks, cuddles/sex and reconnecting. We've had a lot going on and have been feeling increasingly distant from him.

He replied "I told you I'm out with the lads tongith". I asked if he could cancel. "I'm leaving in 20 mins and I'm looking forward to it". I replied saying he only went out with them 4 days ago and told him the brief circumstances of the job I'd had and I'd really like to see him. He replied 'That sounds horrid and I'm sorry". I replied saying he's prioritising going out with his friends again over his wife.

As I was driving back from work he passed me in his car, going to the pub, and waved.

He left me on read and hasn't replied for 2 and a half hours.

I've been crying at the dining room table and now just getting into bed feeling so alone.

He has form for shutting down, we are in marriage counselling which seemed to be working but now this.

I'm so upset.

Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
jossfletch · 24/08/2022 22:47

If he's told you he's out with the lads then you need to respect that. I book in a date night with my man and we've got two kids and been together 10+ years. Pencil a night in with your man and it gives you both something to look forward to.

BuddhaAtSea · 24/08/2022 22:48

Right.
Lovely, go have a shower, put some food in you and go to sleep. Write everything down before you go to bed, do a home datix.
If you wake up in the night, tell yourself you’ll think about it tomorrow.
Don’t waste whatever little energy you have left on him.

Tomorrow you wake up and deal with the shitstorm that’s your marriage. Do you run? Swim? Go and mindlessly exercise for half an hour. And think long and hard.

Tonight you haven’t got the energy or mindset to deal with anything beyond basic.

PS. I know. See if you can have a team debrief. Hugs.

Itwasntright · 24/08/2022 22:52

Really! So knowing your spouse is going out, if you have a bad day you think it’s ok to text them and say “I want you in bed for sex?” Not even a phone call? Just a text demanding a shag? You think this is acceptable? Because the fuck I do or would let my husband demand this of me

Do you really think you're helping right now? You just want to dig the boot into the op a bit more?

Itwasntright · 24/08/2022 22:54

If he's told you he's out with the lads then you need to respect that. I book in a date night with my man and we've got two kids and been together 10+ years. Pencil a night in with your man and it gives you both something to look forward to

"Pencil a date night in with your man" where's the vomit emoji.

What sort of a marriage is it when you have to book an appointment with him to get a hug and a kind word when you've had a shitty day?

A shite one, that's what.

OldFan · 24/08/2022 22:54

@OrchardBlack Wow not replying to you a second time. Sad This level of disrespect can't go on.

bloodywhitecat · 24/08/2022 22:55

jossfletch · 24/08/2022 22:47

If he's told you he's out with the lads then you need to respect that. I book in a date night with my man and we've got two kids and been together 10+ years. Pencil a night in with your man and it gives you both something to look forward to.

Maybe she could also pencil in the next time she attends a suicide attempt just so the poor OH doesn't have to miss a night out with the lads?

Marotte · 24/08/2022 22:55

Given this was just a regular trip to the pub, not some major pre-planned meet-up, he's being very unreasonable IMO. Doesn't sound as though your marriage counselling is working, really.

HangingOver · 24/08/2022 22:56

If he's told you he's out with the lads then you need to respect that

Again, what level of trauma is OP supposed to deal with alone before DPs "lads night" warrants interrupting? Biker with head clean off? Murdered teenager? Raped pensioner?

This sounds like I'm being flip, I'm not. I can't believe some people have so little imagination that they can't see OP is dealing with something extremely difficult, especially given what's been in the news this week.

When we run away, they run towards.

I bet if it were a male copper saying he was deeply disturbed by something he'd seen in the course of duty and didn't want to be alone people wouldn't be telling him to stop crying and put a sodding facemask on.

MsDogLady · 24/08/2022 23:00

Orchard, there is great inequality here. For years you’ve given your all to your H and 4 step-children, yet he has given less and less, causing you to feel perpetually alone and unappreciated.

He had the opportunity to ‘show up’ for you tonight. After your traumatizing day, you asked for closeness but he chose distance. His investment is elsewhere.

How much longer will you tolerate this?

thequeenoftarts · 24/08/2022 23:00

am up and awake if you want to message me, am used to trauma calls @OrchardBlack if you want to chat

jay55 · 24/08/2022 23:02

Even if you hadn't had a bad day, it's shit that he made plans on the one night you could have spent time together for a week.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 24/08/2022 23:07

Wickywickyyow · 24/08/2022 20:57

God if my husband messaged me to say he wanted me in bed for snacks and sex ajd to cancek olans wifh friends because he'd had a bad day, I'd think he was a smidge controlling or that he was joking.

But what if that day had involved seeing a murdered child or a young mum smashed up in a car crash? What if the op had to sit with an old lady as her husband died?

If you work in emergency services done a bad day is a really fucking awful day. He is her partner and he is supposed to be there for her. The fact that might be a bit inconvenient for him it's beside the point.

SultanOfSwing · 24/08/2022 23:08

I don’t actually think it matters what the OP dealt with at work today.

She told her partner that she needed him tonight. She didn’t expect him to mind read, she was totally clear, and apparently she has no form for wrecking his evenings out or unreasonably demanding his attention.

At that point he should have cancelled, full stop.. Questions later.

Qwerkie · 24/08/2022 23:11

jossfletch · 24/08/2022 22:47

If he's told you he's out with the lads then you need to respect that. I book in a date night with my man and we've got two kids and been together 10+ years. Pencil a night in with your man and it gives you both something to look forward to.

Did you even bother reading the thread before you posted this?

Marotte · 24/08/2022 23:13

I agree with the other sympathetic messages about how to deal with this going forward, both in terms of self-care and in terms of your husband not being the most caring (at best). IMO ignore the person who seems to have got the wrong end of the stick about what you were asking for and why. (What works for them in their marriage is their business but their attitude certainly wouldn't work for me.)

SleepingAgent · 24/08/2022 23:16

IsThePopeCatholic · 24/08/2022 21:29

I think a supportive and loving partner would have cancelled his plans. It sounds like you really could have done with someone to talk to. My dh would definitely have cancelled his plans and stayed at home. I hope you manage to get some rest.

I agree. It's just regular drinks with the lads, nothing amazing. If he won't give that up to help you, support you and maybe even have a lovely cosy shag! He's a crap partner. And the wave? Angry I'd be mightily pissed off!

Littlepaws18 · 24/08/2022 23:23

I can't imagine what a bad day is in the emergency services, it must be horrific. Your husband should have stayed, looked after you and supported you as a good partner should. At least he very least check up on you at home ensure you are ok.

I would use the next counselling session to find out why he did this.

MsRosley · 24/08/2022 23:27

You're not unreasonable, OP. I'd feel pretty hurt and angry too.

SleepingAgent · 24/08/2022 23:28

HangingOver · 24/08/2022 22:56

If he's told you he's out with the lads then you need to respect that

Again, what level of trauma is OP supposed to deal with alone before DPs "lads night" warrants interrupting? Biker with head clean off? Murdered teenager? Raped pensioner?

This sounds like I'm being flip, I'm not. I can't believe some people have so little imagination that they can't see OP is dealing with something extremely difficult, especially given what's been in the news this week.

When we run away, they run towards.

I bet if it were a male copper saying he was deeply disturbed by something he'd seen in the course of duty and didn't want to be alone people wouldn't be telling him to stop crying and put a sodding facemask on.

Exactly. All the people saying OP is unreasonable and he should have his night out (again) with the lads have presumably absolutely nil experience of emergency service work and the trauma that can result from that. Awful, just some awful responses here to the OP who is most certainly NOT BU. He's no partner, in the real sense of the word.

Tralala33 · 24/08/2022 23:36

What's more telling about your relationship is that you don't regularly talk to him about your work. Emergency services workers shouldn't just be saying work was 'fine' to their partners. Find yourself a partner who is interested in and respects what you do, recognises when it's a bad day, and will be there for you when you need them.
.

Closetbeanmuncher · 24/08/2022 23:39

Jesus OP you’re getting a right shelling..

I personally think he’s a selfish prick who has shown you repeatedly where his priorities lie.

Counselling won’t turn a feckless, emotionally retarded ‘lad’ (shudder) into a loving partner.

SunnyD44 · 24/08/2022 23:54

You asked him to stay home - which is fair enough.

He said no - I can see why you’re upset but unless it’s an emergency then cancelling plans is a shitty thing to do.

You’re then texting whilst he’s out saying you need to have a talk - that’s not fair.

Whats the point in trying to get one over on him and ruin his night, just because he didn’t do what you want.

This relationship is obviously not working if this is how you treat each other.

HailAdrian · 24/08/2022 23:55

Also, even if your partner had had a dreadful day and you were, for some bizarre reason, still intent on leaving them regardless, you'd at least say something like 'I'm so sorry, we'll do that ASAP' and not 'I'm looking forward to this night out, soz.' Guy sounds like a fucking bellend tbh.

SunnyD44 · 24/08/2022 23:56

Even if you hadn't had a bad day, it's shit that he made plans on the one night you could have spent time together for a week.

I agree.

OovoofWelcome · 25/08/2022 00:01

He’s not worth your heartache. He’s behaving like he doesn’t really care because he doesn’t really care. He probably thought uh oh, a night comforting my wife is no fun when I could escape to talk shit and drink beer with my nob-end mates.

You deserve better than that.

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