Tonight DH has...

[OrchardBlack]

Any advice right now would be so appreciated.

I work in emergency services. Today I had an awful job that and generally been feeling burnt out. I messaged DH as I was leaving work saying tonight I want us in bed, snacks, cuddles/sex and reconnecting. We've had a lot going on and have been feeling increasingly distant from him.

He replied "I told you I'm out with the lads tongith". I asked if he could cancel. "I'm leaving in 20 mins and I'm looking forward to it". I replied saying he only went out with them 4 days ago and told him the brief circumstances of the job I'd had and I'd really like to see him. He replied 'That sounds horrid and I'm sorry". I replied saying he's prioritising going out with his friends again over his wife.

As I was driving back from work he passed me in his car, going to the pub, and waved.

He left me on read and hasn't replied for 2 and a half hours.

I've been crying at the dining room table and now just getting into bed feeling so alone.

He has form for shutting down, we are in marriage counselling which seemed to be working but now this.

I'm so upset.

Am I being ridiculous?

How dreadful.

Sending you positive vibes, you deserve so much better

Exactly! 👏 some folk just don't get it.

I'm sorry ,

It sounds like you have done absolutely everything you could to save your marriage, but you deserve love and care too .

It's better to be alone than sad and lonely within a relationship.

When this happened to me and I suspect we're in the same job , I took some time off , and just did what I needed to do for me .

I know what it's like to realise someone you're still invested in has mentally checked out. I'm sorry .
X

I’m sorry op, It’s shocking that two people can be on such different pages, you are txting him to have sex and snacks and he’s already ended it in his head, I am assuming when you commented earlier about counselling being due to one person wanting out, it was him and you who wished to save it.

please don’t go back to the beginning and what happened then when he ended it, thay was a long time ago and you are married now. Relationships ending are always hrd and even harder when you don’t wish it to end.

don’t chase him now, take sone time out to just be, to come to terms with it, undertake some self care, rest, good food, time with loved ones, consider If you need more time off work or if it’s best to keep busy, just focus on you now. Everything else can wait.

Seconding all PP - sorry you’re hurting, OP, but this guy’s clearly an uncaring selfish prick and you’re better off without him. FWIW, I didn’t think your request that he cancel a trip to the pub was unreasonable - it’s not like this was some long-awaited, expensive event which could not be rescheduled. At most, if he cared at all, he could have shown his face for an hour and come home. You mention his ex-wife being difficult but she has 4 children with him and probably just wanted some proper emotional engagement. His first marriage probably ended for similar reasons.

Anyway, you sound fab, OP. Focus on yourself for a bit.

And thank you so much for your incredible work. Without the emergency services, we would all be lost. Not only do you do amazing work, you go into situations that most of us (me certainly) would run away from. It takes incredible courage and commitment as well as a whole host of other skills.

Really as sad as you may feel, he has done you a huge favour.
No one needs a selfish uncaring twat in their life, esp one who spends two nights a week in the pub with his mates, that would put me right off. Meeting up for a hobby ok, but just to go out on the piss, no way
You sound lovely, I’m sure you’ll find someone with emotional intelligence who will love and support you in future

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this, OP. I think everyone here agrees you're better off without this selfish pr*ck, but we also know how hard it is to cope with loss and rejection.

It may be a lucky chance that he let you down so badly yesterday, in case you ever risked thinking "oh he wasn't so bad really ...".

I hope you can keep your friendship with his children, as you sound like a wonderful influence in their lives. A sane and caring adult, unlike their father.

And I hope you find happiness with someone who deserves you.

Oh this is a sad thread. It's better to be alone than alone in a shit marriage. I hope everything works out well for you.

How sad sending hugs x

I'm so sorry to read your update. I hope you're being looked after at your sisters. Sending hugs x

I'm so sorry to read your update. You deserve so much better. And it says a lot that your concern goes to the kids you have loved and helped nurture all these years. I don't think they will forget what you've done. And maybe in the future you could have some sort of relationship

But he has treated you like shit. You deserve better. Glad you're with someone. Sending hugs

I an sorry, that's awful.

I hope you can regroup and give yourself a bit if space at your sister's.

Hopefully you will be able to maintain a relationship with your stepchildren independently of your H. I can appreciate it's tough when you love them.