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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tonight DH has...

187 replies

OrchardBlack · 24/08/2022 20:43

Any advice right now would be so appreciated.

I work in emergency services. Today I had an awful job that and generally been feeling burnt out. I messaged DH as I was leaving work saying tonight I want us in bed, snacks, cuddles/sex and reconnecting. We've had a lot going on and have been feeling increasingly distant from him.

He replied "I told you I'm out with the lads tongith". I asked if he could cancel. "I'm leaving in 20 mins and I'm looking forward to it". I replied saying he only went out with them 4 days ago and told him the brief circumstances of the job I'd had and I'd really like to see him. He replied 'That sounds horrid and I'm sorry". I replied saying he's prioritising going out with his friends again over his wife.

As I was driving back from work he passed me in his car, going to the pub, and waved.

He left me on read and hasn't replied for 2 and a half hours.

I've been crying at the dining room table and now just getting into bed feeling so alone.

He has form for shutting down, we are in marriage counselling which seemed to be working but now this.

I'm so upset.

Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
badhappening · 25/08/2022 09:08

Utterly crap and selfish behaviour from him.

I feel for you.

There are certain times in our lives when we really need support and your feelings and sadness were totally dismissed and then ignored by him.

I think he’s shown his true colours in that his needs/selfishness are more important than you even when you obviously been through trauma 😞.

Not good and not the right man for you. Leopards don’t change their spots.

ErrolTheDragon · 25/08/2022 09:08

The op didn't 'demand'.
She said what she wanted. That's fine, in any halfway normal relationship.
She asked if he could cancel - again, fine.

It's pretty obvious if you've read all her posts she doesn't habitually do this sort of thing. If someone who generally doesn't ask for much makes a request when they're in a specific difficult situation, it's pretty likely there's a real need there.

To ignore this and then blank out the OP... for what, yet another evening at the pub with the lads?

Cornflakegirll · 25/08/2022 09:12

@OrchardBlack I’m guessing things are not easy at home this morning after he wilfully ignored your texts last night.

That is not ok. He has allowed you to become more distressed when you were already in a bad way. IME that is never a good sign.

I hope you are ok.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 25/08/2022 09:17

Musti · 25/08/2022 03:43

I’d have cancelled if a neighbour who I didn’t know very well said that she needed someone to talk to after such a night.

I don’t think I’d be able to continue a relationship with someone like that.

This exactly. And I think any fairly normal person would do it for a friend. Let alone someone you supposedly love.

mydogisthebest · 25/08/2022 09:19

Any kind, caring, loving OH would cancel going for a drink with the lads if their partner had had a rough day and wanted them to be with them.

How can just a drink with friends be so important? I am absolutely amazed that so many posters don't think he was in the wrong.

My Dh would drop just about anything for me as I would for him.

Bananarama21 · 25/08/2022 09:23

You have an entitlement in your post dictating to him that he has to stay in bed with you for sex cuddles and food. My DH would laugh at me if I messaged him that especially if he had made plans. It's fine to chat about having a bad day but to dicate what your dh does and worse he had made plans. Imagine if a man had demanding that of his wife.

ErrolTheDragon · 25/08/2022 09:29

Bananarama21 · 25/08/2022 09:23

You have an entitlement in your post dictating to him that he has to stay in bed with you for sex cuddles and food. My DH would laugh at me if I messaged him that especially if he had made plans. It's fine to chat about having a bad day but to dicate what your dh does and worse he had made plans. Imagine if a man had demanding that of his wife.

She didn't 'demand', she asked. She didn't say he 'had to' stay in bed.
Telling your partner what you want isn't a 'demand'.

I'd take a bet that the op would have been happy with the snacks and a cuddle on the sofa if the DH didn't want bed and sex.

All this distortion an hyperbole to excuse uncaring behavior. Hmm

Bananarama21 · 25/08/2022 09:32

ErrolTheDragon

She says it in the opening post why mention sex? It comes across as manipulative. A better response would be ivd had a really rough day to day, I just need someone to talk to.

If a man said that to a woman she would be told to ltb. Double standards again.

ErrolTheDragon · 25/08/2022 09:49

Bananarama21 · 25/08/2022 09:32

ErrolTheDragon

She says it in the opening post why mention sex? It comes across as manipulative. A better response would be ivd had a really rough day to day, I just need someone to talk to.

If a man said that to a woman she would be told to ltb. Double standards again.

After a deeply traumatic day, yeah sure she should have managed to word things better and deserves to be torn apart for having the temerity to express what she wants to her DH. Hmm
If a bloke had said that, no, I wouldn't say LTB, I'd expect a woman in a normal supportive relationship to be willing to at least be there for him, up to her whether she wanted to have sex of course.

Original poster
OrchardBlack · 25/08/2022 09:52

Update

He came home at 11PM. He said he didn't want to be together anymore. That was why he was with his mates and that was always the plan, to talk to them about it. He gave absoltuley no reasons, even nearly saying the old 'it's not you it's me'. He has MH issues sometimes and when we first got together he used to completely shut down. He would come back grovelling in a week or so, crying saying how it's his MH/meds etc.
Whether he will this time or not it doesn't matter.

I am going to my sisters. I have arrived at work but been sent home, I'm a bit of a state as only a month ago we were both doing so well and fighting hard for us.

I messaged him this morning saying I'd really like to talk. He said he can't as he has an important meeting at work. He has completely gone.

I took on 4 kids who, not being conceited here, genuinely adore me and I them, and a rather difficult ex wife, which we all worked through and with me putting in the effort gained a level.of civility and understanding. I have sacrificed so much and meant every one of my wedding vows.

There is no coming back from this.

Thank you to everyone for understanding and replying.

OP posts:
TooHotToTangoToo · 25/08/2022 09:56

So sorry to hear this op, you deserve so much better. Flowers

Booklover3 · 25/08/2022 09:59

I’m sorry that he’s treating you this way OP. You don’t deserve it. You deserve far, far more. Don’t settle for less.

Cornflakegirll · 25/08/2022 10:05

I feared that was the case. He had all the hall markings of someone completely checked out of their marriage.

I’m so so sorry you’re in pain this morning. Time will heal but atm self care is everything.

Fight for yourself now and your own happiness, it’s a more worthy cause!

💐

Wildflowerbeauty · 25/08/2022 10:06

so sorry you are hurting but honestly , he’s done you a favour . It’s now time to think about you , and one day you’ll look back and you’ll be so thankful you got out . Be strong . Try not to worry too much . It’ll all work itself out .

TurboQueen · 25/08/2022 10:10

So sorry to hear that. Your better off without the salfish arse. Would not be happy he discussed your marraige break up with his mates before you. You have had a luckey escape.

stayinghometoday · 25/08/2022 10:10

I'm sorry that you're having such a difficult time at the moment. Honestly, it is for the best that you two have broken up. It didn't read as if he wanted to put any effort into the relationship. You deserve someone who cares for you. Take your time to heal and take care Flowers

ErrolTheDragon · 25/08/2022 10:36

I'm so sorry.

The kids will always have the benefit of the effort you've put in, never forget that. Hopefully your relationship with them can continue (now, or in the future).

rocksonrocks · 25/08/2022 10:51

So sorry OP. What a shit time for you. You will get through it. Best of luck. Flowers

Itwasntright · 25/08/2022 10:57

You deserve so much better than this uncaring piece of shit. Please don't take him back.

Itwasntright · 25/08/2022 10:59

And despite some of the idiotic replies you've had, what you asked him last night was not at all unreasonable in a normal relationship.

hewouldwouldnthe · 25/08/2022 11:02

I think you need to give up flogging a dead horse and move on to someone who is emotionally available to you and appreciates you. Next time avoid the people with mental health issues. You may feel drawn to 'fixing' them, but it rarely works.

FontSnob · 25/08/2022 11:17

How old are the kids? My step daughter and i are still close even after i split with their dad 9 years ago. Just let them know you’re still there for them and invite them to things/weekends etc. Sorry that he’s let you down.

HangingOver · 25/08/2022 12:11

You poor thing. Breeaaath. This is where the healing begins. Be gentle on yourself OP. We're all here for you.

LizzieSiddal · 25/08/2022 12:35

I’m so sorry @OrchardBlack You sound like such a lovely kind person- he doesn’t deserve you.x

harriethoyle · 25/08/2022 12:38

Really sorry to hear this @OrchardBlack . He's an absolute fucker .