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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tonight DH has...

187 replies

OrchardBlack · 24/08/2022 20:43

Any advice right now would be so appreciated.

I work in emergency services. Today I had an awful job that and generally been feeling burnt out. I messaged DH as I was leaving work saying tonight I want us in bed, snacks, cuddles/sex and reconnecting. We've had a lot going on and have been feeling increasingly distant from him.

He replied "I told you I'm out with the lads tongith". I asked if he could cancel. "I'm leaving in 20 mins and I'm looking forward to it". I replied saying he only went out with them 4 days ago and told him the brief circumstances of the job I'd had and I'd really like to see him. He replied 'That sounds horrid and I'm sorry". I replied saying he's prioritising going out with his friends again over his wife.

As I was driving back from work he passed me in his car, going to the pub, and waved.

He left me on read and hasn't replied for 2 and a half hours.

I've been crying at the dining room table and now just getting into bed feeling so alone.

He has form for shutting down, we are in marriage counselling which seemed to be working but now this.

I'm so upset.

Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 25/08/2022 00:02

He should have stayed in with you, for once. You don't often ask him. If he had booked for a special event, i'd have understood his reluctance to cancel. But he sees his friends for drinks at least once a week -- much more often than you have couple time together.

If he won't prioritise you when you need him, he's not much of a husband. I would find it hard to welcome him back home.

Readaboutyourself · 25/08/2022 00:05

YANBU asking him to cancel. I think the follow up text about needing to talk is unnecessary though and sent through spite.

Sorry you’re having a rough time and not getting the support you need.

SarahDippity · 25/08/2022 00:11

Go to bed and sleep on it. Nothing good can come from raising this with someone who has been in the pub for four hours screening your messages. I’m sorry you had a tough day and hope you get a peaceful sleep.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 25/08/2022 00:30

Hi there sorry you had such a difficult day and have not felt supported, he could have at least chatted to you on the phone for a bit and shown a bit of support. I think if he had changed his plans though he would have been withdrawn and resentful towards you which would have been no help. Can you see the therapist on your own to talk things through as think that would be a good idea as you can talk more freely then. Hope things improve and find something that helps you unwind after a stressful day as he does not sound supportive at all.

RosyappleA · 25/08/2022 00:48

Clearly you are in marriage counselling because there is a lot more to this. I am assuming by your posts he never puts you first and as he has 4 kids previously so he is being lazy about your relationship and deep down he knows you won’t go anywhere. He's very comfortable as you love him more than he loves you. I am sorry but you are worth a lot more than this man and I would leave him asap. Like a previous poster said this wasn’t some west end show he is at the pub once or twice a week for this he should have skipped especially as your relationship isn’t strong right now if he valued repairing it he would have cancelled. Leave him and thank me later he won’t change.

FontSnob · 25/08/2022 00:50

I hope the rest of the evening was okay. He sounds very self absorbed and was out of order to not even, at the minimum, stay until you got home and give you a hug.

RosyappleA · 25/08/2022 00:58

Once last thing feeling alone in a relationship is worse than being single and alone.

I know what it is like to keep trying only to get nothing in return. I also know what its like to be in an ambulance often so thank you for the hard work you do and I really hope you find a wonderful partner.

Surtsey · 25/08/2022 01:02

Tralala33 · 24/08/2022 23:36

What's more telling about your relationship is that you don't regularly talk to him about your work. Emergency services workers shouldn't just be saying work was 'fine' to their partners. Find yourself a partner who is interested in and respects what you do, recognises when it's a bad day, and will be there for you when you need them.
.

If it was a really bad one, most of the time the shiftmates support each other, 'debrief' as it were, and talk to each other about it. They try to not take things home with them.

My DH was in the emergency services. There are still some things he can't bring himself to talk to me about.

Booklover3 · 25/08/2022 01:14

I’m wondering what would happen in my own marriage if I were tearful and had a bad day. It doesn’t happen often. We are going through a real rough patch right now but I know my husband would have cancelled off his own back without me needing to ask. I’d have done the same. I think if you aren’t always having these bad days then he is being unreasonable. Sounds like his priorities are mixed up.

Chrissywakeuup · 25/08/2022 01:30

OP im ES too and i got PTSD from a suicide. It was the only time i ever cried when i got home. My dads ES but a different one to me and regularly sees trauma so i was lucky i could talk to him and he got it. My other half, as much as he wanted to understand, didnt and never could but he still tried.

If hes just gone out with his mates only a few days ago, with personal understanding of what your likely feeling and the fact your saying your struggling, despite seeing this stuff regularly, tells me it was a bad job. And he should recognise that too, and if he still absolutely had to go out, make it very quick or go earlier and be back same time as you

If you have support at work, please take it. I sat on my PTSD for a year before i did anything and i spiraled bad. Happy if you want to pm me aswell. Look after yourself x

stillvicarinatutu · 25/08/2022 01:43

Hey op

I'm ES too . I am single now but feel less alone than when I was with my partner . He was also ES but exceptionally cold and hard so he just didn't get it if I had a day like yours and he'd get annoyed with me for being pathetic. At least now I'm never disappointed. I know what I'm coming home to - bed , wine , tv, and dog cuddles. I hope you're ok - we see some shite in this job don't we . Flowers

JubileeTissues · 25/08/2022 01:50

"Right.
Lovely, go have a shower, put some food in you and go to sleep"

How is it lovely and why does she need a shower? Bizarre reply.

rubydoobydoo · 25/08/2022 02:30

I thought you were a but unreasonable (although understandably so) just going by your first post however I've changed my mind reading the rest.

I work in emergency services too, and if it was the only evening DH and I would have to spend together in a month, then he wouldn't have arranged to go out in the first place, - and even if he had then he would have cancelled in those circumstances- as would I for him.

And then to not phone or even text to check you're OK after you'd told him what happened?

Not surprised it's the final straw, he just doesn't give a shit about you at all does he?

been and done it. · 25/08/2022 02:52

OrchardBlack · 24/08/2022 20:56

@hewouldwouldnthe Thank you. I said to him very clearly what an awful time I had had and I would love to see him and talk it through a bit as it was so fucking shit tbh. (I'm pretty hardened and usually just keep jobs to myself) He said he was getting ready and was looking forward to it, then ignored me.

Sounds like he's got the sensitivity of a brick.

Musti · 25/08/2022 03:43

I’d have cancelled if a neighbour who I didn’t know very well said that she needed someone to talk to after such a night.

I don’t think I’d be able to continue a relationship with someone like that.

startfresh · 25/08/2022 04:48

But what if that day had involved seeing a murdered child or a young mum smashed up in a car crash? What if the op had to sit with an old lady as her husband died?

Sorry, but if I was that traumatised, the last thing I would be thinking would be "can't wait to bang". If I needed my DH to cuddle up to and cry and not be alone, that's one thing, but I think this doesn't sit right with me because, if I'd had a traumatic day. The last thing on my mind will be sex.

Probably gonna have lots of "it's a release" but it's just my opinion and why I don't think I can relate to the "cancel your plans so we can have sex" part, it felt manipulative, like trying to seduce him out of plans, rather than a desperate plea for company.

I'm just saying this as maybe he thought OP couldn't be that upset if she was wanting a romantic night in.

Again, not saying my way is the only way, just realised why it didn't sit right with me as a request.

Longdistance · 25/08/2022 05:22

It seems,’ for better for worse’ is lost on him.

If you’re in counselling, he should be making damned sure that the advice and techniques given to him are implemented, otherwise it’s a waste of everyone’s time.

I wouldn’t be able to forgive him for being so cold and callous about it. Seems like you’re on your own Sad

Roselilly36 · 25/08/2022 05:50

You needed him, he wasn’t there, my DH would always put me first. Sorry you had a horrible day and your DH hasn’t supported you.

GeriSignfeld · 25/08/2022 07:35

Did he go out twice a week with the "lads" when he was still with his ex & 4 kids?

It sounds like you feel lonely in this relationship

On one hand I cringed at the text asking for "cuddles, sex & reconnecting"

But on the other it sounds like he isn't taking counselling seriously if he is out reconnecting with the "lads" twice weekly and doesn't appear to cherish quality time with you too

Considering you're already in counselling already, you don't sound unreasonable. It seems like your relationship is already on the rocks & he can't be doing much to save it if he's out drinking with the "lads" twice a week !

Wildflowerbeauty · 25/08/2022 07:40

Your relationship Sounds all one sided . You have given him so much commitment forming a good relationship with his 4 children and supporting him but he’s taking you for granted . You deserve better .

Qwerkie · 25/08/2022 08:09

startfresh · 25/08/2022 04:48

But what if that day had involved seeing a murdered child or a young mum smashed up in a car crash? What if the op had to sit with an old lady as her husband died?

Sorry, but if I was that traumatised, the last thing I would be thinking would be "can't wait to bang". If I needed my DH to cuddle up to and cry and not be alone, that's one thing, but I think this doesn't sit right with me because, if I'd had a traumatic day. The last thing on my mind will be sex.

Probably gonna have lots of "it's a release" but it's just my opinion and why I don't think I can relate to the "cancel your plans so we can have sex" part, it felt manipulative, like trying to seduce him out of plans, rather than a desperate plea for company.

I'm just saying this as maybe he thought OP couldn't be that upset if she was wanting a romantic night in.

Again, not saying my way is the only way, just realised why it didn't sit right with me as a request.

Maybe she thought he would be more likely to stay if he thought sex was on the cards

TurboQueen · 25/08/2022 08:35

He should have cancelled his plans and supported you. He sees his friends twice a week and won’t prioritise his wife. Maybe you need to think about ending it.

neshtastic · 25/08/2022 08:37

poorbuthappy · 24/08/2022 20:49

It's a difficult one. Tbh my DH would have cancelled. But that only reflects our relationship. Only you can know if he's being a twat 🤷🏼‍♀️

Beta

LampLighter414 · 25/08/2022 09:00

It’s very short notice to demand someone changes their plans for you. I wouldn’t be happy to cancel on my friends in such circumstances.

Itwasntright · 25/08/2022 09:06

LampLighter414 · 25/08/2022 09:00

It’s very short notice to demand someone changes their plans for you. I wouldn’t be happy to cancel on my friends in such circumstances.

It's a pretty shit friend who wouldn't cancel their weekly trip to the pub to help a friend who had been traumatised.

This ain't even a friend. This is supposed to be one of the people he loves most in the world.

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