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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tonight DH has...

187 replies

OrchardBlack · 24/08/2022 20:43

Any advice right now would be so appreciated.

I work in emergency services. Today I had an awful job that and generally been feeling burnt out. I messaged DH as I was leaving work saying tonight I want us in bed, snacks, cuddles/sex and reconnecting. We've had a lot going on and have been feeling increasingly distant from him.

He replied "I told you I'm out with the lads tongith". I asked if he could cancel. "I'm leaving in 20 mins and I'm looking forward to it". I replied saying he only went out with them 4 days ago and told him the brief circumstances of the job I'd had and I'd really like to see him. He replied 'That sounds horrid and I'm sorry". I replied saying he's prioritising going out with his friends again over his wife.

As I was driving back from work he passed me in his car, going to the pub, and waved.

He left me on read and hasn't replied for 2 and a half hours.

I've been crying at the dining room table and now just getting into bed feeling so alone.

He has form for shutting down, we are in marriage counselling which seemed to be working but now this.

I'm so upset.

Am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Aswad · 24/08/2022 21:40

I’m shocked at the number of PPs saying he’s fine nothing wrong! Whilst he technically hasn’t, I’d expect my OH to put me before his friends! Unless there’s a backstory where this is a regular occurrence, I don’t think you’re asking for much.

Choconut · 24/08/2022 21:41

In that situation where he sees his friends every week I would want to be prioritised. It doesn't sound like you are a priority to him tbh.

DottyLittleRainbow · 24/08/2022 21:41

Unfortunately I think a supportive husband would have cancelled their plans to be with their wife, given the circumstances. He knows this and it’s why he has left you on read.

Hope you’re ok, OP - thanks for doing the job you do.

YoSofi · 24/08/2022 21:41

He should have cancelled.

I’m so sorry you’ve had a bad day, you do an incredible job and I can’t imagine how hard it is at times.

You should have come before a piss up with his mates tonight, I would be hurt too x

comfortablyfrumpy · 24/08/2022 21:50

Given everything you have said, I think he should have cancelled. I can see why you were upset that he didn't.

I sorry you have had such an awful day.

Original poster
OrchardBlack · 24/08/2022 21:52

Thank you everyone.

I messaged about an hour ago asking when he would be back as I think we need to talk.

He's read it an hour ago and now just sitting Online. No reply.

I think I'm done. Straw/camels back situation.

OP posts:
CockSpadget · 24/08/2022 21:53

He really should have cancelled, and he has been very selfish by not doing so. He's prioritised a run of the mill night out with his mates, above supporting you after a very upsetting day. I would feel totally shit if my partner had done the same, he needs to do better, because you deserve better.
I'm sorry you've had such a shit day op.

RandomMess · 24/08/2022 21:55
Flowers
HailAdrian · 24/08/2022 21:58

I would easily cancel a night out to be with my partner if they felt like they needed my company.

SultanOfSwing · 24/08/2022 22:01

I totally disagree with those who said you were unfair. You told your DH you needed him. Unless you day after day make him cancel his plans for trivial reasons, he needs to have heard you and respected you - if you said that particularly tonight you needed him he should have been there.

Lots of conversation for the next counselling session - if you get that far.

HangingOver · 24/08/2022 22:01

I think he should have cancelled. It's not an ordinary bad day at work is it. Emergency services see things daily that would traumatize most of us forever. He should have realised that you asking for help this one time means it's a real emergency. It doesn't matter that it's your job, if you've witnessed something unusually horrendous (and god it must be given what constitutes a normal day for you guys!) he should absolutely be supporting you through it.

RJnomore1 · 24/08/2022 22:02

Ffs people really need to raise the bar a bit. A partners supposed to support you, prioritise your needs. Not fanny off down the pub when you need them. As someone said, you’d cancel for a good friend who needed you, why the fuck expect less from the person who’s supposed to be closest to you.

im really sorry op I hope your week gets better.

Cakequeen1988 · 24/08/2022 22:04

@OrchardBlack your additional posts have provided some really important input.

at first I thought you had been a touch unreasonable and I would have been annoyed to cancel my night with friends in his situation, however I think the below were real key points in my change of opinion

you haven’t had a night alone together in 3 weeks (a relationship needs to be nurtured)

this isn’t a long awaited post Covid lads night out, he goes drinking weekly/twice weekly with them, thus if he missed this evening to support you he would still see these same friends in only a few days time.

it can feel more lonely in a poor relationship than being alone. I hope you have managed to call a friend tonight or do something nice to help take your mind off your terrible day. Give him a chance to defend himself however if this is the final straw stand strong!

Itwasntright · 24/08/2022 22:06

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I can see why you're in marriage therapy. I don't think it's going as well as you thought it was.

Sorry for what you've witnessed op. I'm sorry your dp would rather go out with his mates than be with you when you've seen something traumatising.

BirmaBrite · 24/08/2022 22:07

To me marriage counselling is something couples do when one wants to leave, but would rather someone else make that decision for them. The 'look we tried everything and we still aren't happy' kind of thing.

I am sorry you had an awful job, I am also sorry you didn't have someone to support you through it, been there done that ! If you want to PM me, I would be happy to listen.

butterflied · 24/08/2022 22:07

He is showing you clearly who he prioritises. It's not you. I'm sorry for your awful day.

Original poster
OrchardBlack · 24/08/2022 22:08

Thank you all.

The pub has closed now. He was sitting online for 20 minutes not replying to me asking when he's coming back, but somehow online. I don't know who he would be talking to considering all his friends were with him.

I saw a friend earlier having rung her crying. (Something which she usually does to me!) so that was nice.

Now I'm just waiting for him to come home.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 24/08/2022 22:09

I think I'm done

I don’t blame you. I think there’s a lot more to this but at the end you were in need after a shit day in a brutal job, he sees his mates twice a week for a casual drink, and despite only seeing them on Sunday, he wanted beerz and bantz more than he wanted to be a good husband in an already struggling marriage.

He cares about himself much more than you.

Original poster
OrchardBlack · 24/08/2022 22:10

@BirmaBrite

To me marriage counselling is something couples do when one wants to leave, but would rather someone else make that decision for them. The 'look we tried everything and we still aren't happy' kind of thing

Agree with this tbh.

OP posts:
Rodedooda · 24/08/2022 22:10

If he can't support you when you need it what is the actual point of being together?

My DH has cancelled plans at short notice when I've asked, not that I do it often but he wouldn't hesitate.

So sorry you had a really bad day.

alwaysmovingforwards · 24/08/2022 22:15

OrchardBlack · 24/08/2022 20:56

@hewouldwouldnthe Thank you. I said to him very clearly what an awful time I had had and I would love to see him and talk it through a bit as it was so fucking shit tbh. (I'm pretty hardened and usually just keep jobs to myself) He said he was getting ready and was looking forward to it, then ignored me.

I think it's worth talking to your employer to see how they can support when you've had a horrific day.
Appreciate in your profession you may see some truly terrible things. But to want to download / share that with a partner is pretty grim for them and asking a lot.

CourtneeLuv · 24/08/2022 22:17

Am I being ridiculous?

Yes. He had existing plans. If he'd chosen to go out after you told him you had a shit day, you might have a point, but as it stands, yabvu.

Cherrysherbet · 24/08/2022 22:17

I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day today op. Your job sounds incredibly difficult.
He should have cancelled.

You reached out for his help and support and he said no. That’s unacceptable under the circumstances you’ve described.

YANBU

SultanOfSwing · 24/08/2022 22:17

Btw I think he should have cancelled him even if he hadn’t seen the lads for 6 months and even if you had another free night day after tomorrow. You told him that you needed him tonight.

Given that you rarely or never play that card, it’s a trump, and heshould have respected that.

I bet the counsellor would agree.

shreddednips · 24/08/2022 22:20

I'm so sorry OP, this sounds awful. I think he was being unreasonable and uncaring. From what you've said, this wasn't just a bad day- it was really traumatising. Just because it's your job doesn't mean you don't need support- if you'd said that you'd witnessed this as a random event (as in, not as emergency services but randomly happened upon the scene), nobody would be saying that your husband should still have his lads night out! They would be saying that you'd witnessed something incredibly traumatic and that he should be there for you.

Would any of us really go out to see friends if our partners witnessed what the OP witnessed today AND said they were struggling and needed support? I think not.

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