I’ve stolen her retirement plans (apparently).

[Sparrownest1]

In my late 50s and in a lovely relationship, DP and I have sports and hobbies in common and have made some great adventure travel plans. His XW tells everyone that I’ve stolen her retirement and now she can’t afford to do any of the things she was looking forward to. He had asked her to do many of these things but she just didn’t want to join him or be involved in his retirement dreams, so in the end this was part of the reason he left. I feel like I’m being made out to be a terrible person and don’t know if there is anything I can do.

As I said in my earlier post he encouraged her to return to her career and she had agreed to return when oldest went to senior school but she never did. It was her decision.

They no longer had much in common when children left home. She is in reasonably good health. He had a girlfriend for a little while before we got together.

The trips were with dad she definitely didn’t go as the children have talked about their trips. She hasn’t changed her mind and didn’t even do dog walks.

What?

I fear you’re falling into the trap of hearing what you want to OP

Can I repeat my earlier suggestion? Drop her a card from Barbados, give her a call from the igloo when you are watching the Northern lights, let her know you are still both thinking of her, and want to make sure that she doesn’t feel left out.

OP sorry if you've answered this but who's telling you what she's been saying?

You have issues, you need to stop viewing others through the lens of your own failures and disappointments.

What’s the back story here? Parents didn’t live you enough, children a bit distant, or just the MN standard that you married an arsehole and still couldn’t hold on to him?

My we are defensive arn't we ?

Guilt issues ?

I doubt you will find absolution by hurling insults on here.

They had kids together. Remember that. They may have dreamed of doing all sorts before kids came along and it all probably got put on the back burner. Men have the ability to pick up where they left off while women take longer, especially if they are the main care giver after a split. She may have well wanted to do 'all sorts' but didn't have the time or energy. That's probably why she feels resentful. She's had to adjust all her dreams/expectations. They might not have had the money or the time to do what she wanted when they were together. Seeing him living the life she thought they would have together must hurt.

How so? Her children will all have been at school about ten years after the first was born. There was another twenty years of her not working after that, despite her husband being supportive of her returning to work.

StillGoingStrongToday - I can only speak for myself. I'm also talking from the viewpoint of the one who wanted to split because my 'DH' wanted to live and do things as if he was childless. I too had high hopes and dreams but I had to make sacrifices. There are always two sides to a story and people paint the picture they want people to see. OP can simply ignore the comments because as she says, she has nothing to feel guilty for. Maybe her partner can do a bit more to hush the comments.

I’d possibly take your own advice. The way you’ve spoken about the OP has been abysmal.

That’s entirely made up in your head though. You have no knowledge of this woman or any evidence for these claims. They may have had an unhappy toxic relationship. You don’t know.

Marriages can and do break up if both parties aren’t happy anymore. Ops partner is perfectly right to leave if he is unhappy as was his ex wife. The ex wife’s complaint is that she wants more money for retirement. Yet she chose not to work for 30 years at least.

you need to stop the nasty behavior to op. If you have issues with your own ex you need to work through them not attack people who have nothing to do with it.

This thread doesn't make any sense. So OP, you are successful in your career and in your relationship, have a fabulous retirement planned and paid for, and what you are doing with your time is posting on mumsnet asking how you can change the opinion and attitude of someone don't know, won't know and don't respect? I seriously don't know anyone who would give that more than a moments thought?

Let me know how that goes! (joke - I really don't believe this thread is real)

I really don't want to offend, but most woman have more important things to worry about, and this isn't a comment about your age, but talking about how much your partners ex walked the dog decades ago is hilarious, but immature.

Good luck!

In theory my dh supports my return to work. He currently has a fortnight off except he has worked for two days, done a pointless but showy diy task one day and gone for a walk with one child.
I've kept tabs and ferried the teenagers around (rural non driving, so picked up others so they enjoy human contact).
Kept the food and domestic side going.
DH absolutely wouldn't have his VERY IMPORTANT job and kids without me enabling that. I have done 7 days a week for twenty years, so pro rata, the next decade is mine.
But I do work, potentially I could go further, but I have less energy than even five years ago, my industry is ageist and sexist and I still have to drop everything for uni rescues, etc.

It's never quite as simple as she should have got a job a decade ago. I suspect no one can every tell the whole truth about a 30 year marriage not even the participants.

He still sees friends whose wives see her.

SHE HASN'T TOLD ME EITHER AND I HATE TO BE NOT TOLD STUFF! 😡
I DEMAND this ex tell me or ELSE!

I don't understand why he's feeding this back to you if it's upsetting you. Have you asked him to stop?

This!!

Also, what if it's been lost in translation? She could have been feeling sad and said something to someone about how she feels she has lost her future she was planning.

You know what (some) people are like. They twist stuff depending on who they're talking to. Some people love to create drama.

At the end of the day she has lost her future she was expecting, and that's hard. Leave the poor woman alone and don't give a rat's arse what she may or may not think about you, OP.

She is complaining because she regrets not having done those things with him while she was married to him. You aren't "stealing her retirement". She very willingly let him go

I don’t know you, or your ex, but I’ve been in the (possible) position of his ex. My ex had a great career, and wanted me to stay at home with th E kids while he built his career. His pension was supposed to be enough to support us both in our old age. (His words not mine).I walked away from uni when I discovered that I was pregnant with our son, as we BOTH thought it was better for children to have a parent at home with them. I’ve always worked around the children, but it was HIS pension that we paid the extra into, not mine, as it was a better scheme.
Fast forward 23 years. Most of our children are getting ready to move out. And he decided to leave with my friend. His pension fund will pay him approx 8 times/ year, compared to what I can earn working full time, and I’m still tied with the youngest child, so struggling to work more than 40hr weeks.
I always shared his interests, but couldn’t just “up and leave” the children, as he did. I’d have loved to go to the Alps with him, but he preferred to go with his friends. I loved the same music as he did, but again he preferred to go with friends, because “someone” had to stay with the kids. I wanted to go to the boxing and rugby matches but it “was a man thing”.
My retirement will be NOTHING like I thought it would. I’ll probably be living in a small rented property, while they have a mortgage free home and a pension fund worth approx £1.5 million.
Do I resent it? Yes, I suppose I do. At the same time, I’m kicking myself for being “the perfect wife” that he wanted me to be, letting him do what he chose, and letting him dictate what jobs/ hobbies I should/ shouldn’t do.
So, maybe it’s not your fault that her retirement won’t be as she hoped, and what she was promised, but have some sympathy for her, because you have no idea what their relationship was like before you came into the picture.
And believe me, it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

That sounds very unjust @Flutterbybudget and I really hope some sort of financial help comes your way.
This is the sort of situation most young wives don't even think about - why would they. It's incredibly unromantic to have a just-in-case fund and very depressing that women should even have to think about this worst case scenario.