I’ve stolen her retirement plans (apparently).

[Sparrownest1]

In my late 50s and in a lovely relationship, DP and I have sports and hobbies in common and have made some great adventure travel plans. His XW tells everyone that I’ve stolen her retirement and now she can’t afford to do any of the things she was looking forward to. He had asked her to do many of these things but she just didn’t want to join him or be involved in his retirement dreams, so in the end this was part of the reason he left. I feel like I’m being made out to be a terrible person and don’t know if there is anything I can do.

And you sound bitter and a bit triggered.

@Sparrownest1 Always easier to blame someone else.
Ex W is probably starting to blame herself inside but not ready to admit it yet..

Just tell whoever's telling you this shit to stop.

Although, my late ex was interested in DRINKING. I was home with the kids & he left us for someone else who liked a drink! (No, even if if I wasn't home with the little ones, I wouldn't have joined him.. bloody alcoholic.. )

Actually, I am reading this thread with no background as to divorce, blended families or step families. This is the vibe I am picking up.

No I am not 'triggered'. I am completely objective.

Still unsure of how you know she is upset.

Even if his adult children know where you are going, and feed it to their mother, either they or your partner are communicating her feelings to you.

Did you say you had some mutual friends so they are telling you what she thinks?

If so, I'd be thinking of telling them you really don't want to know, and stop the gossip.

Who gives a stuff what she thinks?

A lioness does not concern herself with the opinions of sheep

How do you even know about all this shit, OP? Who are the wee flying monkeys in this tale; or is it your DP?

And how are you so sure that there has been a final financial settlement? There are loads of threads on here where naive posters don't realise that their new chap's divorce doesn't mean they actually have a financial settlement.

All these 'quick' divorces are stupidly complex when people try to move on sometimes, especially where they haven't used decent solicitors.

Why is she even in your orbit?

Errrrrrrrrrr

Why is she involved / how does she know / why do you care?

Not even close to 52 pc of the population. That's one of the most galling things about it

@TenRedThings absolutely agree with you

OP's approach seems insensitive and lacking compassion

My DH is a keen cyclist. I'm happy to support him to do that, but would be unimpressed if he gave that as a reason for ending our marriage

How's that empathy bypass working for you? OP wins in the DP competition so sod the person who sacrificed to get him the situation he has?

Jesus...

I don't really understand why this is confusing to you. Of course she's pissed off. She has lived her entire life with a man, working together as a team, putting up with him always fucking off on his canoe and then having the gall to be annoyed at her for not wanting to herself. After all those years just as she was looking forward to retiring and enjoying herself, he buggers off on his canoe with another woman, leaving her unable to afford her plans. Wouldn't you be angry?

Obviously it's not your fault, but of course she's annoyed. And whoever is telling you that she has accused you of stealing is just stirring.

Have a couple of pat lines you trot out when the subject comes up. It is important to defend yourself clearly.

But otherwise ignore it. Don’t get into conversations just repeat your couple of key points, and move the conversation on.

Any mutual friends telling you that his ex wife is saying this about you are shit stirring.

"I'd rather not hear about someone I have no relationship with speaking negatively about me, thanks."

Good friends will then stop doing it.

No he didn’t he left her because he didn’t want to be married to her anymore, as is absolutely his right! Anyone can leave a relationship for any reason they want.

But maybe he did "steal" half her pension?
Pensions are marital assets, so he probably took half of hers when they divorced.
I can imagine being mid fifties and half your prospective pension pot is gone, maybe at no fault of her own.
Two sides to every story.

I have read this thread before, the similarities are remarkable. It went badly that time though? You have posted before?

You are not responsible for the way she feels about stuff. There's nothing you can do to change his she feels- she has to address that herself. Don't feel guilty at all.

I don’t know any details of their settlement but she last had a paying job role aroind 30 years ago so doubt there was much pension.

You know far too much about this woman's life, op.

indeed it was his choice and he had no obligation to stay. I just m it d to remind myself about this.

Good advice.