Page 10 | I’ve stolen her retirement plans (apparently).

Sparrownest1 · 2022-08-24T17:47:31+00:00

In my late 50s and in a lovely relationship, DP and I have sports and hobbies in common and have made some great adventure travel plans. His XW tells everyone that I’ve stolen her retirement and now she can’t afford to do any of the things she was looking forward to. He had asked her to do many of these things but she just didn’t want to join him or be involved in his retirement dreams, so in the end this was part of the reason he left. I feel like I’m being made out to be a terrible person and don’t know if there is anything I can do.

Tallulah28 · 27/08/2022 17:17

No one, regardless of what age they are or how long they’ve been married should be forced to stay in a marriage they don’t want to be in. Plenty of couples separate in later life without the lure of another love interest.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/08/2022 17:23

@Flutterbybudget Are you not getting half the private pension payments? Or half the house? Or were you not married?

Flutterbybudget · 27/08/2022 17:55

I’m trying to drive it home to my daughters now, and my sins as well, but particularly my daughters that you just can’t rely on anyone else but yourself.
Hey ho, it sucks, but I’m luckier than most
And tbh, I wouldn’tt trade places with him or her for the world, because my kids adore me, as much I do them. And we all muddle along and will manage somehow.

Flutterbybudget · 27/08/2022 20:32

I git half the equity in the house and a bit of the pension, but not half, and no way of increasing it in any significant way.
I’m ok, just saying that this lady may well have “some” grounds for some resentment towards her ex partner and the OP. It’s hard when you see your dreams and plans for the future thrown aside, because of a decision that someone else made.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/08/2022 20:40

@Flutterbybudget yes it's not simple at all and late entanglements often come with baggage!!

PiecesofFive · 27/08/2022 21:59

@Flutterbybudget that sounds harsh, I'm sorry.

Yes the legal contract of marriage seems to hold very little protection for women, but I suppose it's the best we have at the moment.

Men make the laws of the land and it appears the exploitation of women will continue as long as we are reeled in by the word love.

If marriage was a work contract, many women could sue for unfair dismissal, going on a sliding scale of how long the woman worked for the company (husband, family). I doubt if any male/female would be happy to suffer the same dismisal in a work envioroment, they would deem it grossly unfair, especially if they are dismissed at a later stage in life whereby past their peak for finding other work.

Maybe women should be taught earlier on to not view marriage as love but as work, with a view to finding the best working conditions and enviroment to raise children, with a more equal balance of labour to rear children, whereby one does not benefit more than the other within that partnership.

A better vetting process to aquiring a suitable partner and more penalties for exploitation.

But as long as we associate marriage with love, women will feel it is aceptable to be exploited, used, discarded and shamed without question.

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 28/08/2022 10:03

Nothing you can do. I have learned that what other people think of you is none of your business. Nothing you do or say will change it, so you may as well live well and enjoy it.

Lb482 · 28/08/2022 19:16

Ignore it. If she didn’t want to do these things when they are together it’s just jealousy. Your DP sounds too nice to have stuck around so long and funded her life. She just needs to meet someone she can enjoy her retirement with and obviously hasn’t yet. Don’t let her attitude stop you enjoying your life. So long as his kids see you’re making their dad happy that’s all that matters.

SquirrelSoShiny · 29/08/2022 13:28

Flutterbybudget · 27/08/2022 17:08

I don’t know you, or your ex, but I’ve been in the (possible) position of his ex. My ex had a great career, and wanted me to stay at home with th E kids while he built his career. His pension was supposed to be enough to support us both in our old age. (His words not mine).I walked away from uni when I discovered that I was pregnant with our son, as we BOTH thought it was better for children to have a parent at home with them. I’ve always worked around the children, but it was HIS pension that we paid the extra into, not mine, as it was a better scheme.
Fast forward 23 years. Most of our children are getting ready to move out. And he decided to leave with my friend. His pension fund will pay him approx 8 times/ year, compared to what I can earn working full time, and I’m still tied with the youngest child, so struggling to work more than 40hr weeks.
I always shared his interests, but couldn’t just “up and leave” the children, as he did. I’d have loved to go to the Alps with him, but he preferred to go with his friends. I loved the same music as he did, but again he preferred to go with friends, because “someone” had to stay with the kids. I wanted to go to the boxing and rugby matches but it “was a man thing”.
My retirement will be NOTHING like I thought it would. I’ll probably be living in a small rented property, while they have a mortgage free home and a pension fund worth approx £1.5 million.
Do I resent it? Yes, I suppose I do. At the same time, I’m kicking myself for being “the perfect wife” that he wanted me to be, letting him do what he chose, and letting him dictate what jobs/ hobbies I should/ shouldn’t do.
So, maybe it’s not your fault that her retirement won’t be as she hoped, and what she was promised, but have some sympathy for her, because you have no idea what their relationship was like before you came into the picture.
And believe me, it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

Your husband is the kind of man who disgusts me so much I wish ill upon them and that is most out of character for me. Sorry that happened to you ❤

MsPincher · 30/08/2022 17:58

Flutterbybudget · 27/08/2022 17:08

I don’t know you, or your ex, but I’ve been in the (possible) position of his ex. My ex had a great career, and wanted me to stay at home with th E kids while he built his career. His pension was supposed to be enough to support us both in our old age. (His words not mine).I walked away from uni when I discovered that I was pregnant with our son, as we BOTH thought it was better for children to have a parent at home with them. I’ve always worked around the children, but it was HIS pension that we paid the extra into, not mine, as it was a better scheme.
Fast forward 23 years. Most of our children are getting ready to move out. And he decided to leave with my friend. His pension fund will pay him approx 8 times/ year, compared to what I can earn working full time, and I’m still tied with the youngest child, so struggling to work more than 40hr weeks.
I always shared his interests, but couldn’t just “up and leave” the children, as he did. I’d have loved to go to the Alps with him, but he preferred to go with his friends. I loved the same music as he did, but again he preferred to go with friends, because “someone” had to stay with the kids. I wanted to go to the boxing and rugby matches but it “was a man thing”.
My retirement will be NOTHING like I thought it would. I’ll probably be living in a small rented property, while they have a mortgage free home and a pension fund worth approx £1.5 million.
Do I resent it? Yes, I suppose I do. At the same time, I’m kicking myself for being “the perfect wife” that he wanted me to be, letting him do what he chose, and letting him dictate what jobs/ hobbies I should/ shouldn’t do.
So, maybe it’s not your fault that her retirement won’t be as she hoped, and what she was promised, but have some sympathy for her, because you have no idea what their relationship was like before you came into the picture.
And believe me, it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

Im sorry to hear about your difficulties @Flutterbybudget but your situation isn’t really the same as what the op is describing. Her dp apparently took the kids on activities but his ex wife didn’t want to come. Also he supported her to return to work yet she didn’t for 30 years.

Also as op has said several times her dp was divorced from his wife when she met him so I think she has a fair idea that they didn’t have a great relationship before she « came into the picture ».

also I don’t understand why if you are breaking up with your ex now, why you aren’t getting at least half of the marital assets? Why is there such a huge disparity? Why will you be in a rented property - why aren’t you getting a share of the property? Also if you are breaking up 23 years after university, you must only be in your 40s. You have plenty time to sort a career and housing and even a pension especially with no childcare responsibilities.

im a single mum but am able to work and pay mortgage and pension. It’s certainly possible. Your ex may well have done you a big favour.

MsPincher · 30/08/2022 18:02

PiecesofFive · 27/08/2022 21:59

@Flutterbybudget that sounds harsh, I'm sorry.

Yes the legal contract of marriage seems to hold very little protection for women, but I suppose it's the best we have at the moment.

Men make the laws of the land and it appears the exploitation of women will continue as long as we are reeled in by the word love.

If marriage was a work contract, many women could sue for unfair dismissal, going on a sliding scale of how long the woman worked for the company (husband, family). I doubt if any male/female would be happy to suffer the same dismisal in a work envioroment, they would deem it grossly unfair, especially if they are dismissed at a later stage in life whereby past their peak for finding other work.

Maybe women should be taught earlier on to not view marriage as love but as work, with a view to finding the best working conditions and enviroment to raise children, with a more equal balance of labour to rear children, whereby one does not benefit more than the other within that partnership.

A better vetting process to aquiring a suitable partner and more penalties for exploitation.

But as long as we associate marriage with love, women will feel it is aceptable to be exploited, used, discarded and shamed without question.

Lol. Unfair dismissal ? do you know the absolute maximum you get for that is a year salary? Many women (like the ops dp ex wife) do much better out of marriage.

It’s not a job though it’s a relationship. You can’t just expect someone to keep you in the manner you are accustomed. You need to take responsibility for your own finances.

Baileygirl07 · 17/11/2022 22:57

That's her problem 100% to deal with, if she never went anywhere with him and the kids on what sounds like a fun, adventurous life. What kind of retirement was the new partner supposedly stealing? What kind of lonely retirement was the XH looking forward to if he stayed? Sounds like he dodged a bullet. She should have been a better wife in the first place, she'd still be married.

Baileygirl07 · 17/11/2022 23:14

@Johnnysgirl What the hell is your problem?

Ponderingwindow · 18/11/2022 04:48

Her retirement dreams may have been different than his dreams. She is getting blame for not wanting to share in his hobbies and plans for retirement. There is no mention of him sharing in the ways she hoped to spend this time and their shared assets.

it’s the financial security and the opportunity to indulge in her retirement desires that has been lost, not necessarily tagging along on his hiking trip. For all we know, she is glad to not be saddled with that task.