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Original poster

I’ve stolen her retirement plans (apparently).

239 replies

Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 18:47

In my late 50s and in a lovely relationship, DP and I have sports and hobbies in common and have made some great adventure travel plans. His XW tells everyone that I’ve stolen her retirement and now she can’t afford to do any of the things she was looking forward to. He had asked her to do many of these things but she just didn’t want to join him or be involved in his retirement dreams, so in the end this was part of the reason he left. I feel like I’m being made out to be a terrible person and don’t know if there is anything I can do.

OP posts:
Fiftyand · 25/08/2022 09:47

PiecesofFive · 24/08/2022 23:55

There's something particularly wonderful about a man who leaves his wife in his late fifties/sixties.

Good god she must be pissed, and I'm sure he wouldn't have left her so late in life if you were not available. Men don't usually up sticks after 30/40 years unless they have replacement.

But you say no, these hobbies of yours only started being mutual after he had been left some time.

Ahem, anyway you should be thankful towards her, she clearly gave him the space and confidence to excell with all these pursuits, whilst she no doubt got on with other less adventurous things like being neglected. All those years of finanicial planning and building their wealth all to be taken advantage of by you.

You actually both sound ideal for one another, both completely lacking in empathy and understanding, happy camping, ffs.

There’s no mention of how old he was when he got divorced.
The op has said she wasn’t the ow.
You sound very bitter, has this happened to you?
Stop projecting ffs

Johnnysgirl · 25/08/2022 09:50

Given that he made retirement plans with two different women, it's safe to assume he wasn't in his forties.

Cheminaufaules · 25/08/2022 09:57

Why are you worried what random people think about you @Sparrownest1 ?

How do you know she didn't get involved in camping etc., when the children were little?

I would point out that she (like everyone else) will have changed over time. The things she was not interested in or did not have energy for in the past might be things she is interested in now. She may well have been hoping to go on long walks in her retirement? I would be wary of taking what your partner says at face value.

sidheandlight · 25/08/2022 10:05

Cheminaufaules · 25/08/2022 09:57

Why are you worried what random people think about you @Sparrownest1 ?

How do you know she didn't get involved in camping etc., when the children were little?

I would point out that she (like everyone else) will have changed over time. The things she was not interested in or did not have energy for in the past might be things she is interested in now. She may well have been hoping to go on long walks in her retirement? I would be wary of taking what your partner says at face value.

yes, exactly. Why so bothered? And then some, bothered yet I don’t know any details of their settlement and Yes I know he is building up his pension again now after it was divided between them so the spilt must have been done. none of this rings good. How the hell do you not know if the settlement is done or what anyone thinks if you are in this ass a proper relationship?

stayinghometoday · 25/08/2022 12:01

J0y · 24/08/2022 20:41

I struggle with this advise myself when it comes to my mother but i think in the end you have to allow her to have her interpretation of her new life as a divorcee, ykwim. You can't tell her what her perspective on this should be. She may not have wanted to go biking but she might have wanted to live in some material comfort and that dream was dashed. I don't know. So yeh, boring answer but just be at peace with her having an opinion on the end of her marriage and respect that she the right to that opinion. She thinks what she thinks.

I'm not a first wife (or a second wife) but i do think often that a lot of the anxiety I experience is because I'm not at peace with other people's low opinion of me and their UNFAIR interpretation of events.

Just watch a video this morning that inspired me to allow people to think what they think

Could you link that video? I think seeing it would do me good too. I have a problem with people believing wrong things about me and spend too much time thinking about it although I consciously know that it shouldn't matter.

PiecesofFive · 25/08/2022 12:39

There’s no mention of how old he was when he got divorced.
The op has said she wasn’t the ow.
You sound very bitter, has this happened to you?
Stop projecting ffs

So what's your take on it ?
The wife's 45 and the op is 58, discarded for an older more athletic model.

It's not rocket to assume the wife is slightly older, anyway..

I really don't think op came on here looking for advice, no ammount of advice would stop others from gossiping, she would be niave to think people won't make assumptions, just like on this thread. That's life, that's people and you cannot manipulate what others think.

Hopefully she's not made this thread for nefarious reasons such as someone personally involved reading it and being quietned down into submission by public opinion. I do feel sorry for this wife at such a late stage in her life to be relpaced by what seems to be an overly confident woman who has little emotional empathy towards the situation. It sounds like a nightmare and now op is trying to sway public opinion of the ex by bad mouthing her.

Very unjust and very unfair morally. I think some on this thread have some serious issues regarding empathy, morality, loyalty and marriage. There are many on here who believe marriage and the family are lifelong commitments and as such can't understand the disposal of such a lengthy union just for a canoe, a bike, a tent and some walking boots.

And will people stop saying 'projecting', it's boring and can be thrown right back at you in the other direction of the argument....

So @Fiftyand are you an ow, have you ever been an ow, ? not like you would ever admit that, so really it's pointless arguing with people who lie and re write the truth, only by their opinions do we we get an insight into whatthey think should be acceptable and what should be forgiven.

You assume I have been in this situation, no, but I can totally understand why the ex would feel abandonned and short changed, I have also never been a ow but I could imagine the guilt that could eat you up, best left for the narcs I think.

MsPincher · 25/08/2022 13:32

ArcticSkewer · 24/08/2022 20:33

He stole her retirement and her future, not you

Eh? How did anyone « steal » her retirement or future?

MsPincher · 25/08/2022 13:36

Pinkyxx · 24/08/2022 23:38

So she raised their children while he progressed his career / did his hobbies. This means she had no way to build assets of her own. I’d guess this was a mutual decision they made with her assuming her husband would support her. He then leaves her because she doesn’t want to go trekking / canoeing ….( sorry but this is one of the worst reasons I’ve ever heard for ending a marriage )

With this in mind I can understand her being upset, settlement or not her life / future will have irrevocably changed and it’s too late for her to do anything about it! All because, she didn’t want to do his hobbies..

Show quote history

She didn’t not work for over 30 years to raise kids. It was her responsibility to save for her retirement and she chose not to do so and now blames op because she can’t live off her ex husband. She needs to grow up imo.

MsPincher · 25/08/2022 13:47

PiecesofFive · 25/08/2022 02:36

You seem to have some issues going on

I do....
It's called issues of integrity whereby I'd never surplant a woman in a long standing marriage.

It sounds like she also had several decades of freeloading, but having
taken advantage for years doesn’t give her the right to continue being
kept for life

Blimey what a comment, have you got issues
Imposter syndome maybe ?

Lol! People can divorce whenever they live for whatever reasons they like. Lol at « surplant « a woman in a long standing marriage. You don’t know why it broke up maybe we wife cheated? Or maybe they were just not happy any more. You are (thankfully) not usually forced to support someone for the rest of their life just because you were once married to them.

it seems ex hadn’t worked for at least 30 years, she would have got a fair settlement on divorce despite not having contributed financially. She should have taken responsibility to provide for her retirement and clearly she didn’t.

MsPincher · 25/08/2022 13:57

PiecesofFive · 25/08/2022 00:29

The whole thread is in poor taste, the ex for all we know is heartbroken and to top it off in poorer financial means.
Her children go 'hobbying' with them which must be a further kick in the teeth, But never mind she's 60 and has so many opportunities to start again, no career, maybe ill health and a new woman rubbing her face in it whenever she can.

The thing is op, why are you bothered, most people would try not to brag, so as not to antagonise her ?
Is there something or some hold she still has over your dp, is something making you feel insecure as to be so annoyed by a very understandably hurt woman.

@PiecesofFive - why are you being so nasty to op? It was entirely up to the ex wife here that she chose not to have a career or even a job. You have no idea what kind of health she is in. She broke up with her husband because she didn’t have much in common with him and op met him after that. It’s nice that ops dp can do things he enjoys with his kids.

op has done nothing wrong. Stop projecting your own issues.

StillGoingStrongToday · 25/08/2022 14:02

There are some utterly bizarre ideas being expressed on here about a husband’s right to divorce, and the ex-wife’s expectations about what comes next.

How can we ever expect to improve sexual inequality when so many women see their role as to be able to not work for literally decades after their children go to school and then to expect to continue to be kept after their divorce?

MsPincher · 25/08/2022 14:08

Titsywoo · 25/08/2022 09:20

Exactly. I feel sorry for her to be honest. She may have given up loads to raise their kids while he earned money (for example obviously I don't know their personal circumstances). It's not your fault of course but show some compassion.

Show quote history

It’s a healthy reason to split if you don’t have anything in common anymore. Ex wife chose not to provide for her retirement and not to work for 30 years. She is now badmouthing op who has her own money because she is in a relationship with her ex that started after she divorced. Not because she misses her ex husband but because she wants him to provide financially for her in perpetuity.

Why do you feel sorry for ex wife but not op?

MsPincher · 25/08/2022 14:15

StillGoingStrongToday · 25/08/2022 14:02

There are some utterly bizarre ideas being expressed on here about a husband’s right to divorce, and the ex-wife’s expectations about what comes next.

How can we ever expect to improve sexual inequality when so many women see their role as to be able to not work for literally decades after their children go to school and then to expect to continue to be kept after their divorce?

Absolutely agree. Women are perfectly able to plan for their own retirement and you should never just expect someone else to support you your whole life. it’s utterly sexist to both men and women to expect men to eternally provide money for someone they once married. People are not possessions and can’t be stolen.

No one has to take 30 years off to look after perfectly healthy kids. I’m a single mum and took about 2 years off in total.

PiecesofFive · 25/08/2022 15:29

Sadly I believe the financial aspect is a secondry issue to the wife, it's probably the fact that she has lost her partner, confidant, best friend, lover and father of her children.

I think the op wishes it was only about the money.

StillGoingStrongToday · 25/08/2022 15:36

PiecesofFive · 25/08/2022 15:29

Sadly I believe the financial aspect is a secondry issue to the wife, it's probably the fact that she has lost her partner, confidant, best friend, lover and father of her children.

I think the op wishes it was only about the money.

Maybe if she’d gone out to work rather than living off him for decades he’d not have got fed up and left.

Sitting on your arse at home long after your children have started school is unlikely to foster a sense of endearment in the poor bugger who has to go out to work every day to keep a roof over your head.

blebbleb · 25/08/2022 17:08

My stepdad was married for over 30 years, divorced a while before he met my mum. His ex never worked but she brought up the kids and managed the house. When they divorced he had to give most of his savings to her as she had no pension. He was so annoyed (tight git but that's another story) but I think it's fair as she had no other means for retirement. I'm not sure what the arrangement was with your partner and his ex but she likely feels angry and cheated that she won't get the retirement she wanted. Not your fault though!

ChutneyVirgin · 25/08/2022 17:21

I feel sorry for the ex

Soontobe60 · 25/08/2022 17:32

StillGoingStrongToday · 25/08/2022 15:36

Maybe if she’d gone out to work rather than living off him for decades he’d not have got fed up and left.

Sitting on your arse at home long after your children have started school is unlikely to foster a sense of endearment in the poor bugger who has to go out to work every day to keep a roof over your head.

Show quote history

And maybe he was the type of bloke who didn’t want his wife to work, but preferred to keep her at home doing his bidding - ever heard of controlling and coercive behaviour?

PiecesofFive · 25/08/2022 17:55

Maybe if she’d gone out to work rather than living off him for decades he’d not have got fed up and left

Who gives shit what their financial arrangements are, it obviously worked for them for a long time.
So you are saying every woman that does not 'work' in a marriage deserves to be left. That a person who holds the financial reigns should be allowed to dump their partners regardless because they hold the power. So this ex wife of 30/40 years has done nothing of any worth in regards to the marriage.

It really is a case of knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing, put two characters together like this and it usually ends pretty quickly in my opinion.

southlondonerhere · 25/08/2022 18:41

Outlyingtrout · 24/08/2022 20:54

What’s with all the “she didn’t want to do his hobbies” stuff? Like that makes it her fault that the marriage broke down or like she deserves to have had the rug whipped out from under her. Ditto “a retirement of luxury was expected” - why the fuck not if that’s what their combined marriage assets/pensions would have provided? Why is the onus on the wife to fall in line with her husband’s plans? I’m not surprised she’s angry and hurt if he’s decided, after a life together building wealth for the future, that actually he’s off to do what he wants and balls to her.

I agree with this, he has kids with her, I'm going to assume that she did a lot of childcare that allowed OP's partner to get to a point where he could have a 'luxury' retirement, now ex wife doesn't get to reep the rewards of sacrifices she may have made

ChutneyVirgin · 25/08/2022 19:00

Well I do agree that women who don’t work are pretty boring/not good role models, I think that the post before was a little bit too blunt!!

Original poster
Sparrownest1 · 25/08/2022 19:00

Thank you all for your comments, it has been really interesting and helpful to see the different perspectives.

OP posts:
StillGoingStrongToday · 25/08/2022 19:20

Soontobe60 · 25/08/2022 17:32

And maybe he was the type of bloke who didn’t want his wife to work, but preferred to keep her at home doing his bidding - ever heard of controlling and coercive behaviour?

Show quote history

So you’re ignoring the post that said the opposite?

Why?

PicketRingFenced · 25/08/2022 19:42

It's a bit like Louise Redknapp leaving Ex H Jamie thinking she'd get a more exciting life but finding out all she had to do was ask or make some simple changes and now she's on the outside looking in on his new life.

PicketRingFenced · 25/08/2022 19:44

The Ex will learn to rely on herself and write new interesting chapters in her own life eventually.

Life has moved on and so should she