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Original poster

I’ve stolen her retirement plans (apparently).

239 replies

Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 18:47

In my late 50s and in a lovely relationship, DP and I have sports and hobbies in common and have made some great adventure travel plans. His XW tells everyone that I’ve stolen her retirement and now she can’t afford to do any of the things she was looking forward to. He had asked her to do many of these things but she just didn’t want to join him or be involved in his retirement dreams, so in the end this was part of the reason he left. I feel like I’m being made out to be a terrible person and don’t know if there is anything I can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 23:29

Luredbyapomegranate · 24/08/2022 23:05

Have a couple of pat lines you trot out when the subject comes up. It is important to defend yourself clearly.

But otherwise ignore it. Don’t get into conversations just repeat your couple of key points, and move the conversation on.

Yes I will come up with a couple of replies.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 24/08/2022 23:31

Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 23:29

Yes I will come up with a couple of replies.

Show quote history

How long have you been together, that this is still going on? Confused
Clearly not long.

Herejustforthisone · 24/08/2022 23:35

Johnnysgirl · 24/08/2022 23:24

You know far too much about this woman's life, op.

Her partner is this woman’s ex husband. Of course she’s going to know things about her, and it’s hardly ‘far too much’.

Original poster
Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 23:37

Thanks for all the messages. My XH and I have been co parenting amicably for years and know a lot about each other’s lives, I even get on well with his DW, we’ve never had any issues. This thread has made me realise that is not usual to be so involved and I must be detached and discreet about any plans and suggest DP is same and ‘closed down’ the gossip.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 24/08/2022 23:37

Even when a woman isn’t the ‘other woman’, certain posters will gun for her, with the sole ‘crime’ appearing only ever to be having the audacity to have a relationship with a man who was previously married to another woman. You see it on here again and again.

And god help that poster if that man had had a child with his first wife…

Pinkyxx · 24/08/2022 23:38

Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 23:23

I don’t know any details of their settlement but she last had a paying job role aroind 30 years ago so doubt there was much pension.

Show quote history

So she raised their children while he progressed his career / did his hobbies. This means she had no way to build assets of her own. I’d guess this was a mutual decision they made with her assuming her husband would support her. He then leaves her because she doesn’t want to go trekking / canoeing ….( sorry but this is one of the worst reasons I’ve ever heard for ending a marriage )

With this in mind I can understand her being upset, settlement or not her life / future will have irrevocably changed and it’s too late for her to do anything about it! All because, she didn’t want to do his hobbies..

baileys6904 · 24/08/2022 23:44

@Pinkyxx doesnt take 30 years to raise kids. And actually not having things in common is a pretty good reason to end a relationship if they're unhappy.

The people on here that will blindly er on the 1st wife's side without a second thought. At least one oerson had the grace to admit they were projecting (fair play to you and must be awful seeing your mother in thta situation)

wellhelloitsme · 24/08/2022 23:47

@Pinkyxx

So she raised their children while he progressed his career / did his hobbies.

This stage doesn't last 30 years...

Notonthestairs · 24/08/2022 23:47

"I don’t know any details of their settlement but she last had a paying job role aroind 30 years ago so doubt there was much pension."

Both pensions are taken in to account when assessing joint finances and division of assets.

Original poster
Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 23:51

baileys6904 · 24/08/2022 23:44

@Pinkyxx doesnt take 30 years to raise kids. And actually not having things in common is a pretty good reason to end a relationship if they're unhappy.

The people on here that will blindly er on the 1st wife's side without a second thought. At least one oerson had the grace to admit they were projecting (fair play to you and must be awful seeing your mother in thta situation)

Indeed it doesn’t and he supported her return to work years ago but she didn’t want to return.it’s not the 1950s and she had the choice. Anyway that’s their story and in the past we all make our choices in life.

OP posts:
Katyfizz54 · 24/08/2022 23:53

Why are you on a thread dissecting your partners exes life choices? You seem overinvested.

Notonthestairs · 24/08/2022 23:54

I don't know the ins & outs of their divorce settlement- neither do you it seems - but I do hope both pensions were accounted for when dividing assets.

PiecesofFive · 24/08/2022 23:55

There's something particularly wonderful about a man who leaves his wife in his late fifties/sixties.

Good god she must be pissed, and I'm sure he wouldn't have left her so late in life if you were not available. Men don't usually up sticks after 30/40 years unless they have replacement.

But you say no, these hobbies of yours only started being mutual after he had been left some time.

Ahem, anyway you should be thankful towards her, she clearly gave him the space and confidence to excell with all these pursuits, whilst she no doubt got on with other less adventurous things like being neglected. All those years of finanicial planning and building their wealth all to be taken advantage of by you.

You actually both sound ideal for one another, both completely lacking in empathy and understanding, happy camping, ffs.

Original poster
Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 23:55

Notonthestairs · 24/08/2022 23:47

"I don’t know any details of their settlement but she last had a paying job role aroind 30 years ago so doubt there was much pension."

Both pensions are taken in to account when assessing joint finances and division of assets.

Yes I know he is building up his pension again now after it was divided between them so the spilt must have been done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparrownest1 · 25/08/2022 00:02

PiecesofFive · 24/08/2022 23:55

There's something particularly wonderful about a man who leaves his wife in his late fifties/sixties.

Good god she must be pissed, and I'm sure he wouldn't have left her so late in life if you were not available. Men don't usually up sticks after 30/40 years unless they have replacement.

But you say no, these hobbies of yours only started being mutual after he had been left some time.

Ahem, anyway you should be thankful towards her, she clearly gave him the space and confidence to excell with all these pursuits, whilst she no doubt got on with other less adventurous things like being neglected. All those years of finanicial planning and building their wealth all to be taken advantage of by you.

You actually both sound ideal for one another, both completely lacking in empathy and understanding, happy camping, ffs.

Interesting that you have assumed that I’ve taken advantage of his wealth? I have my own thanks after a long career and certainly don’t need anyone to support me. I’ve had a good career and been on treks and had my hobbies without neglecting anyone at all.

OP posts:
PiecesofFive · 25/08/2022 00:06

I doubt whether you'd notice if you'd neglected someone.

You're hardly the most sensitive of people.

Katyfizz54 · 25/08/2022 00:10

You have written about this before though , haven't you? It was during lockdown when I read mumsnet a LOT. It's (almost) exactly the same details. Why haven't you moved on since then?

Emiliaswrath · 25/08/2022 00:17

PiecesofFive · 24/08/2022 23:55

There's something particularly wonderful about a man who leaves his wife in his late fifties/sixties.

Good god she must be pissed, and I'm sure he wouldn't have left her so late in life if you were not available. Men don't usually up sticks after 30/40 years unless they have replacement.

But you say no, these hobbies of yours only started being mutual after he had been left some time.

Ahem, anyway you should be thankful towards her, she clearly gave him the space and confidence to excell with all these pursuits, whilst she no doubt got on with other less adventurous things like being neglected. All those years of finanicial planning and building their wealth all to be taken advantage of by you.

You actually both sound ideal for one another, both completely lacking in empathy and understanding, happy camping, ffs.

Bloody hell, that's a reach and a half 🙄

Johnnysgirl · 25/08/2022 00:21

Not really.

PiecesofFive · 25/08/2022 00:29

The whole thread is in poor taste, the ex for all we know is heartbroken and to top it off in poorer financial means.
Her children go 'hobbying' with them which must be a further kick in the teeth, But never mind she's 60 and has so many opportunities to start again, no career, maybe ill health and a new woman rubbing her face in it whenever she can.

The thing is op, why are you bothered, most people would try not to brag, so as not to antagonise her ?
Is there something or some hold she still has over your dp, is something making you feel insecure as to be so annoyed by a very understandably hurt woman.

Pinkyxx · 25/08/2022 00:32

Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 23:51

Indeed it doesn’t and he supported her return to work years ago but she didn’t want to return.it’s not the 1950s and she had the choice. Anyway that’s their story and in the past we all make our choices in life.

Show quote history

Please ignore my comments. It’s become clear to me that you came on here to tear down his ex wife like. I’m not going to further explain why the ex wife got a rough deal because let’s face it, you really don’t care do you?

You lack empathy & insight, as by the sounds of it does your DP.

Happy camping …

expat101 · 25/08/2022 00:42

When my Uncle (DU) left a very long marriage, he told all and sundry it was because he and Aunt (DA) didn't share interests so your post reminds me very much of their situation. Being married doesn't mean you are welded at the hip.

What had happened was Aunt was away and DU took ill. DU had been receiving lots of visits from a woman they both knew and DA presumed she was just a family friend keeping an eye on DU while she was away. Well that woman was keeping more than an eye on DU and he left DA for her. It was therefore understandable their financial circumstances changed as well as what the general life plan was supposed to be for both of them.

So I can understand your Partner's former wife feeling somewhat less than happy hearing about your future plans with her (former) spouse. It is not necessarily a slur against you (although it depends on her version of why their marriage ended and you happened to be there the entire time) but how his life is continuing on obviously without any care its no longer with her.

Remember often the person instigating the separation will have been considering it for a period of time unbeknownst to the spouse. Its probably fair to say she is still dealing with it all and feeling very raw, and your partner is totally oblivious to anyone's feelings on the matter, including his adult children.

Personally I would be having a quiet word in his ear to keep his trap shut and pick his moments better when and what he is sharing with the adult children. Perhaps he needs to sit down with them and work out where they stand on this issue, as my bet is they are also hurting seeing their parents split.

sidheandlight · 25/08/2022 01:02

hamdden12 · 24/08/2022 21:36

The replies on here make me laugh. So many assumptions that the OP 'stole' her DP, how do you 'steal' a person? They are not an inanimate object, they can think for themselves and make their own decisions.

Anyway OP if they are divorced I'm sure she walked away with a fair settlement including pensions and any other savings and investments so don't feel any guilt because life is too short.

you can't steal a person but you can certainly manipulate a person to your own ends

sidheandlight · 25/08/2022 01:05

PiecesofFive · 25/08/2022 00:29

The whole thread is in poor taste, the ex for all we know is heartbroken and to top it off in poorer financial means.
Her children go 'hobbying' with them which must be a further kick in the teeth, But never mind she's 60 and has so many opportunities to start again, no career, maybe ill health and a new woman rubbing her face in it whenever she can.

The thing is op, why are you bothered, most people would try not to brag, so as not to antagonise her ?
Is there something or some hold she still has over your dp, is something making you feel insecure as to be so annoyed by a very understandably hurt woman.

because as plain as day she is the OW. A lot of people come on here and state directly I was not the OW. Took too long to answer and even then it was weak.A 'hobby meeting' I have to guffaw 😂

sidheandlight · 25/08/2022 01:06

probably grabbing the cash too and the worry for the Op is not empathy - it's reputation, already besmirched and now going down the pan.

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