I’ve stolen her retirement plans (apparently).

[Sparrownest1]

In my late 50s and in a lovely relationship, DP and I have sports and hobbies in common and have made some great adventure travel plans. His XW tells everyone that I’ve stolen her retirement and now she can’t afford to do any of the things she was looking forward to. He had asked her to do many of these things but she just didn’t want to join him or be involved in his retirement dreams, so in the end this was part of the reason he left. I feel like I’m being made out to be a terrible person and don’t know if there is anything I can do.

How long had he left her before he met you? Does she believe you stole her husband or is it because she can’t afford her retirement alone?

Were you the OW? If so, she might have a point.

Did you have an affair?

Yes, you might be right.

Hmm yes people don't normally accuse people of theft without some grounds. Real or perceived.

When we’ve booked to go away he’s told his children he’s going on holiday.

Interesting but in all seriousness DP faced with keeping activities and holidays secret from family and friends. I guess it might help if children can’t tell her where we are going.

No I don’t know her at all.

Yeah they do.

no one can « steal » husbands or retirement. She should have provided for her own retirement. Relationships break up and you can’t expect to live off someone else your whole life

How recently did your relationship start, op?

Why won't you answer the question a few PP have posed: are you the OW, did you have an affair that ended her marriage?

No she doesn’t think I stole her husband and no she’s not penniless but a retirement in luxury was expected.

So evasive...

We met through a hobby after he’d left. A hobby she wasn’t interested in for many years.

Perhaps it's regret on her part!

I see this a little in my exh he sees me doing nice things and is a bit jealous but he left me.

How long after he left and did you know him before they separated?

Why would you hide where you’re going on holiday from your children?

Well done for being positive and doing things you want to do.

You visualise yourself wearing a special wee suit that blocks everything she says. Any of her hurtful words are bouncing right off you like you are a wee ready brek man who cannot even hear her. Her words do not have any meaning, unless you choose to give them some. You know what kind of person you are. Put your energy into that wee forcefield, not into thinking about her.

I can see both sides. You do sound reasonable, but I've also been the wife whose dh left for another woman, and tbh at times I do feel like she's stolen my retirement, for the same reasons as your dh's ex - there are things we planned that I cannot afford to do alone, and it hurts a lot to think of him going ahead with those plans with a different woman. I think you should be content that you have a good relationship and are doing all these fun things. You can't expect your dp's ex to stop feeling hurt and resentful about the break up. All you can do it find a way to ignore or live with it for now.

He stole her retirement and her future, not you

They're retirement plans, he doesn't have to rub it in their faces now.

Depends how much she gave to the marriage and then he left her when she didn’t want to do the same things as him in retirement. What consideration did he give to her retirement plans? You only have one side of the story and if your relationship is so lovely why are you even bothered?

My mother left my father when they were in their early 60s. My DF had retired and set up a small gardening business. My dm had taken early retirement from teaching but then decided to work in a different part of the country to build up their retirement savings - so she said. In reality, she was having an affair, they split up and had to sell their home. He wasn’t able to afford another house as they had little equity as dm liked to spend everything they earned! She was able to buy another house as she had a good pension and salary. Basically he was shafted by her.
she lived the life of Riley with her new partner, but didn’t see any of her children for 5 years. It took a long time for us, even though we were adults, to forgive her behaviour. Meanwhile our wonderful dad got to spend quality time with his children and grandchildren and died a happy man with hundreds at his funeral. Mum died this year, and her husband is in a care home. He had a big part to play in the break up of my parents marriage, the loss of my DFs home and his limited income in his final years.

In that case ignore her. You're not doing anything wrong. You both know the truth and if any friends side with her, they're not people you want in your life anyway.