I’ve stolen her retirement plans (apparently).

[Sparrownest1]

In my late 50s and in a lovely relationship, DP and I have sports and hobbies in common and have made some great adventure travel plans. His XW tells everyone that I’ve stolen her retirement and now she can’t afford to do any of the things she was looking forward to. He had asked her to do many of these things but she just didn’t want to join him or be involved in his retirement dreams, so in the end this was part of the reason he left. I feel like I’m being made out to be a terrible person and don’t know if there is anything I can do.

I don’t want to make her life more difficult which is ridiculous I know. I don’t really understand how to deal with it because I’ve worked and planned my for own life and retirement having been divorced for years. Maybe I should just be tougher and not worry about it.

Are either of you actually retired yet?!

Sorry she can only answer cryptically

I struggle with this advise myself when it comes to my mother but i think in the end you have to allow her to have her interpretation of her new life as a divorcee, ykwim. You can't tell her what her perspective on this should be. She may not have wanted to go biking but she might have wanted to live in some material comfort and that dream was dashed. I don't know. So yeh, boring answer but just be at peace with her having an opinion on the end of her marriage and respect that she the right to that opinion. She thinks what she thinks.

I'm not a first wife (or a second wife) but i do think often that a lot of the anxiety I experience is because I'm not at peace with other people's low opinion of me and their UNFAIR interpretation of events.

Just watch a video this morning that inspired me to allow people to think what they think

So it seems 😂

There's something quite distasteful about this thread.

There is. Particularly when it's likely neither of them are actually retired yet, but are rubbing their "plans" in the ex's and the children's faces.
No need to share that stuff at all.

I think OP it's difficult. You can never 100% understand the dynamic between another couple nor 100% know they give you the full score of why a relationship ended- they will give you their version
sometimes there really isn't a reason. Maybe there were reasons they split over and above what he's told you and he doesn't want to go there- it's then sometimes easier to say you don't share the same vision etc-- it may be she would quite like to have done some of these things and that's not 100% the reason - hence why she feels hurt and is making silly comments. The reason I think this way is my ex husband 26 years ago met his wife 3 months after we split (my decision) and I know that she wasn't exactly told the full reasons because we got on well and she mentioned our breakup in passing to me - she seemed very happy and I wasn't going to piss on another woman's strawberries who wasn't involved , so I said nothing.

I would let it float over you but be aware that she may have reasons for feeling as she does that you are unaware of

In my late 50s and in a lovely relationship, DP and I have sports and hobbies in common and have made some great adventure travel plans

She didn't want to join in all these sports and hobbies or was it that she was the one stuck doing the grunt work of looking after the children whilst he got to enjoy his hobbies ?

Thank you this is useful advice.

I think you sound a bit smug when asking us what you should do. It comes across as fake concern. There’s nothing wrong in voicing her disappointment that life hasn’t turned out as she planned, but just focus on your own life and your own future. No need to get enmeshed in hers.

What exactly is it that you have to deal with? Who is telling you what she says?

is it your DP via the kids?

What’s with all the “she didn’t want to do his hobbies” stuff? Like that makes it her fault that the marriage broke down or like she deserves to have had the rug whipped out from under her. Ditto “a retirement of luxury was expected” - why the fuck not if that’s what their combined marriage assets/pensions would have provided? Why is the onus on the wife to fall in line with her husband’s plans? I’m not surprised she’s angry and hurt if he’s decided, after a life together building wealth for the future, that actually he’s off to do what he wants and balls to her.

He always did the hobbies with his children when they were younger, the XW didn’t go. Think weekends hiking, camping, cycling, canoeing. They still come occasionally.

So what do you expect and why do you care what she thinks? Do you need to give it a moment's thought?

Crack on with your lovely plans.

I don’t want to make her life more difficult which is ridiculous I know.

Thats magnanimous of you.

Here have a 🎖

Who is “everyone”? You said you didn’t know her before you met your partner. Do you coincidentally have lots of mutual friends? How are her complaints getting back to you? I’m not sure you need to do anything here. Surely your own friends and family won’t think you are terrible and I’d think anyone she speaks to will take it all with a pinch of salt. You’re the new woman so she was never likely to be your no. one fan! Just live your life and don’t worry about her.

Love this 😂

It made me smile to be honest , but I do have an odd sense of humour

@Outlyingtrout that kind of follows my line of thinking in my previous post. Unfortunately if he wanted to end it because she wasn't 100% into the same things-it's totally his prerogative- however the fact is if it's not a split she wanted she will feel pissed off and hurt if constantly told of the fun things he's got planned - that's just how it is and OP will just have to ignore it . Most people of a certain age come with baggage and his baggage is an ex wife who feels her plans were swiped from her.

'now she can’t afford to do any of the things SHE was looking forward to.'

Reading your OP straight, she's not saying that she wanted to do the things he wants to do. She's saying she wanted to do the things SHE wanted to do. Now she can't afford to, because she's unexpectedly running a solo household with less money.

Did he accept her suggestions, about doing things she wanted to do? Was there any discussion, any compromise?

He sounds rather 'my way or the highway' and 'you're welcome to join me in pursuing MY dreams... what, you have dreams of your own? Don't be silly', type. From what you've said.

I may just be responding to ambiguous wording in your OP of course.

Funniest line is from @Crikeyalmighty about not wanting to piss on another woman's strawberries 🤣

I guess the children, a few friends who have remained mutual friends. Indeed I should just not worry about it.

So she was just with him for the money then???

I would tell them straight that you don't want to hear it. They shouldn't tell you, it's rude to her and you tbh.