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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve stolen her retirement plans (apparently).

239 replies

Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 18:47

In my late 50s and in a lovely relationship, DP and I have sports and hobbies in common and have made some great adventure travel plans. His XW tells everyone that I’ve stolen her retirement and now she can’t afford to do any of the things she was looking forward to. He had asked her to do many of these things but she just didn’t want to join him or be involved in his retirement dreams, so in the end this was part of the reason he left. I feel like I’m being made out to be a terrible person and don’t know if there is anything I can do.

OP posts:
DuchessDarty · 24/08/2022 21:09

“He always did the hobbies with his children when they were younger, the XW didn’t go. Think weekends hiking, camping, cycling, canoeing.”

Should we think hiking, camping, cycling and canoeing because it WAS hiking, camping, cycling and canoeing? Grin

It always makes me smile when people on here write about hobbies and are coy about what they are. No one I know IRL talks like that, they just say the name of the hobby without calling it a hobby…

Anyway OP, I’d also like to know if you’re actually retired now. Plus the answers to all the other Qs asked.

TooHotToTangoToo · 24/08/2022 21:12

Not your monkeys, not your circus.

Just ignore, you know the truth, I'm sure the dc and close friends know the truth, but actually even if they don't. Their opinion of you is none of your business

AgathaPastie · 24/08/2022 21:13

I'm just here to find out what the hobby was that she wasn't interested in for years 👀

Original poster
Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 21:15

AgathaPastie · 24/08/2022 21:13

I'm just here to find out what the hobby was that she wasn't interested in for years 👀

Hiking, camping, canoeing and cycling!

OP posts:
Stylishkidintheriot · 24/08/2022 21:15

Did you “steal” him from her? If so, yeah, you stole her retirement plans

toomuchlaundry · 24/08/2022 21:16

Did she reduce her career prospects/pension having their DC?

Stylishkidintheriot · 24/08/2022 21:17

Och OP, ignore me. I didn’t read the whole thread. I was projecting onto you. My dad left my mum for another woman at retirement age, and she felt very cheated out of the lovely retirement she had imagined

Original poster
Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 21:18

Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 21:15

Hiking, camping, canoeing and cycling!

Show quote history

So we go trekking together.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 24/08/2022 21:20

Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 21:15

Hiking, camping, canoeing and cycling!

Show quote history

So the "Think" instruction was unnecessary...

TenRedThings · 24/08/2022 21:21

I kind of feel a bit sorry for the ex wife. Maybe she was looking after the family whilst he enjoyed his hobbies. Maybe his hobbies meant more money spent on him and less money for the family. Maybe she had less earning potential as a mother supporting the family which enabled him to earn more and have a better pension. I know that I've sacrificed my full earning potential to raise my family and my DH has earned more because it's benefited our family as a unit. If my DH left me just before retirement I'd be screwed and also feel pretty peeved if he enjoyed hobbies and holidays with his new lover, whilst I had to manage on way less.

Irridescantshimmmer · 24/08/2022 21:23

Threaten to sue her for defamation of character if she does not shut up......that may deter her from trouble causing.

sidheandlight · 24/08/2022 21:24

But surely if you met him AFTER he had already left her as you stated after being asked several, several times, what would you care about what she is saying? I could understand if you were the OW why she may feel this way.

GiselleRose · 24/08/2022 21:24

I felt this when my exH left. I’m 50, had been 20 years married, 2 teenagers and so many plans to travel during our retirement. There was a lot to adjust to after he left me and I grieved the future we had planned. Then I changed my mindset and began to fill my life with hobbies, new challenges and eventually a gorgeous new man who I will enjoy the rest of my life with.

I would either ignore or tell her/her spokespeople that she is an adult who now has great opportunity to make new and exciting retirement plans.

Original poster
Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 21:24

Stylishkidintheriot · 24/08/2022 21:17

Och OP, ignore me. I didn’t read the whole thread. I was projecting onto you. My dad left my mum for another woman at retirement age, and she felt very cheated out of the lovely retirement she had imagined

Hi there - I can’t find your earlier posts but I imagine this is how she feels and though it’s nothing to do with me I still feel it is occasionally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 21:26

GiselleRose · 24/08/2022 21:24

I felt this when my exH left. I’m 50, had been 20 years married, 2 teenagers and so many plans to travel during our retirement. There was a lot to adjust to after he left me and I grieved the future we had planned. Then I changed my mindset and began to fill my life with hobbies, new challenges and eventually a gorgeous new man who I will enjoy the rest of my life with.

I would either ignore or tell her/her spokespeople that she is an adult who now has great opportunity to make new and exciting retirement plans.

Thank you and good for you. I have completely rebuilt my life since my divorce and have always kept positive, it’s a challenge at the time but can be done..

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/08/2022 21:28

I feel like I’m being made out to be a terrible person and don’t know if there is anything I can do.

No there isn't. She's pissed off at being left on her own for her retirement, while (as she sees it) her ex swans off happily with you.

Stay well out of it. And let them sort it out between themselves whatever their reasons for breaking up and do NOT get the kids involved in any way.

Pinkyxx · 24/08/2022 21:28

@Sparrownest1 on occasion over the years my daughter has repeated something her stepmother had said about me or some perception she has about matters of the past.. my stock reply is 'oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that'' followed by a prompt change of subject. My daughter is a child so I understand her repeating things she hears which are negative - it's upsetting and she's trying to work it all out. What I'm struggling with is why your DP's children are repeating their Mother's comment when presumably they are adults. Most adults would repeat such things as to do so could easily be interpreted as projecting blame on to you. Why repeat an opinion you disagree with / reject the premise of? Few would bother.. Do you have any idea why they are saying these things to you, or if they in some you hold you responsible for their mother's changed circumstances? What is your DP's reaction when they do?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/08/2022 21:30

Threaten to sue her for defamation of character if she does not shut up

Christ, really? @Irridescantshimmmer?

We can't all afford the Vardy/Rooney legal bill. Who has time for all that crap anyway?

And what exactly is she 'defaming' anyway?

lottiegarbanzo · 24/08/2022 21:33

It is pretty common for women to make huge financial sacrifices to raise a couple's children, including in particular, failing to make anything like the pension contributions she'd have made if she'd carried on working, childless. (Then she goes back to a lower earning job etc). The deal is that they're a family and she makes those massive financial sacrifices with the expectation of benefiting from his pension - the accumulation of which she has directly facilitated.

But if people divorce before reaching pension age - how does that work in practice? I don't actually know. I would hope that the wife would be awarded a significant proportion of the husband's pension. That would be fair.

balalake · 24/08/2022 21:36

If you had been an OW I'd have some sympathy for her. But you aren't so I don't.

Mind you there are 52% of the population who ended my original retirement plans.

hamdden12 · 24/08/2022 21:36

The replies on here make me laugh. So many assumptions that the OP 'stole' her DP, how do you 'steal' a person? They are not an inanimate object, they can think for themselves and make their own decisions.

Anyway OP if they are divorced I'm sure she walked away with a fair settlement including pensions and any other savings and investments so don't feel any guilt because life is too short.

Original poster
Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 21:38

lottiegarbanzo · 24/08/2022 21:33

It is pretty common for women to make huge financial sacrifices to raise a couple's children, including in particular, failing to make anything like the pension contributions she'd have made if she'd carried on working, childless. (Then she goes back to a lower earning job etc). The deal is that they're a family and she makes those massive financial sacrifices with the expectation of benefiting from his pension - the accumulation of which she has directly facilitated.

But if people divorce before reaching pension age - how does that work in practice? I don't actually know. I would hope that the wife would be awarded a significant proportion of the husband's pension. That would be fair.

It was all sorted out long before we met as far as I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 21:39

hamdden12 · 24/08/2022 21:36

The replies on here make me laugh. So many assumptions that the OP 'stole' her DP, how do you 'steal' a person? They are not an inanimate object, they can think for themselves and make their own decisions.

Anyway OP if they are divorced I'm sure she walked away with a fair settlement including pensions and any other savings and investments so don't feel any guilt because life is too short.

Yes as far as I know it was all sorted out properly.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 24/08/2022 21:44

Sparrownest1 · 24/08/2022 18:47

In my late 50s and in a lovely relationship, DP and I have sports and hobbies in common and have made some great adventure travel plans. His XW tells everyone that I’ve stolen her retirement and now she can’t afford to do any of the things she was looking forward to. He had asked her to do many of these things but she just didn’t want to join him or be involved in his retirement dreams, so in the end this was part of the reason he left. I feel like I’m being made out to be a terrible person and don’t know if there is anything I can do.

A bit smug, aren't you? Bet you enjoyed posting that.

Not content with what you have, you want other posters to pull the ex-wife down as well.

You and your dh live your best life. You don't have to look over your shoulder.

Notonthestairs · 24/08/2022 21:49

Rather hinges on whether she did indeed receive a fair settlement and finances were transparent.