Bumble

[Ellena646]

Hi,

so I met my partner on Bumble and we both were talking to other people for a few weeks before we came off, at which point it said our home town as the last location. He's just gone away and because we are going through a bit of a rough patch, I checked and his location has changed to the place where he is currently staying. Does this mean he's been on the app? I'm rubbish with this stuff... how do the apps work regarding locations?

Have you ever spent any significant time single or always in a relationship? You mention an ex-husband. I would recommend a time alone to acclimatise, develop other interests, social activities and a sense of self. You mentioned a lot of panic around this bloke and if you totally confident being single you wouldn't need to feel that.

When/if you are ready to get back on the horse, I recommend the dating thread on here for handholding through the process. Also Female Dating Strategy podcast. They are aimed at younger women looking for husband/to have children with, and they a lot of stick for having high standards but I like their concept of "high value". A man should add value to your life, or don't bother keeping him around.

I have travelled a lot with work for years - including internationally (more than most). I know of no one who has connected with a new local partner unless on a very lengthy trip. The ones that happen are usually escorts and work colleagues.

Thank you for that, so you are saying that he was telling the truth, or that he wasn't... I can't quite read which way?

Yes, I spent four years single after my divorce, time to get myself to a good place, This current break up is very raw so perhaps some time to myself is a good idea.

@Ellena646 - think if was on a short trip being on Bumble means he's either telling the truth or he's having himself on. If he's by himself it won't be a work colleague and (I'm not familiar with Bumble) unlikely to be an escort on a dating site

Sorry to be ambiguous

The point is, he was active on bumble whilst away and looking to meet others. Not that he was necessarily successful.

@Ellena646, You seem to be focusing on where or not he was on the app (I bet he was) rather than all the red flags. He lovebombed you, now devalues you with constant criticisms, flips back to niceness which doesn't last and gives you the silent treatment.

I assume you have ended the relationship?

I have ended this relationship but my panic that has set in since has made me see it through rose-tinted glasses, why does that sometimes happen? There was good stuff too or I would not have stayed. The bad stuff was not okay, I know that.

When you say panic, what exactly do you mean?

Make a list of all the awful things he did. That’s what I did. If I ever wobble, I read it back. Reminds me of what I lived with and how far I’ve come.

Our brains are designed to deal with all the bad stuff quickly and efficiently which is why sometimes we struggle to recall how bad things are.

Read back over this thread and any diaries or messages between you...the bad will hit you in the face again!!

I think it's because we spent so much time together, plus I have a few friends are all like, "Oh you're too old to met anyone now". I get that being in your fifties is not quite a easy as when you are younger but I stupidly went on google and searched it and it's just an absolute sea of how men have the option of dating every young woman out there and older women are doomed... is this just the internet bias or is it true?

I think it can be tricky, but that's no reason to put up with a manipulative arsehole. You have your own place, you have a good social life and friends. Is it a disaster to be on your own for a bit?

Here’s the thing @Ellena646 -

Trust your gut.

So many women feel the need to confront a man or catch him red handed or have irrefutable evidence of cheating.

You don’t have to catch them out. It’s not necessary. If it doesn’t feel right, trust your gut and run.

When you’re in the early stages of a relationship (and by early, I mean the first 2 years) it’s very easy to ignore the red flags.

If it was one of your kids in this situation or a good friend, what advice would you give them?

You’ve mentioned other manipulative behaviour such as silent treatment.

Don’t judge a man by his potential - look at what he is doing right now. That’s all you need to know. Controlling men do not change without a lot of self awareness and a hell lot of work on themselves - like years.

It’s time to decide - Is this relationship acceptable to you?

Don’t worry about sunk costs fallacy. Wasting even more time on someone who treats you badly is worse than cutting your losses on what you’ve already invested.

I’m sure there are lots of good aspects to your relationship - there always are. But if a barrel of good wine has a spoonful of sh!t in it, then the whole barrel is spoiled. You can’t drink around the sh!t.

Be strong and trust your gut.

‘We were talking about moving in and I realised I hadn’t permanently deleted my account so decided I should do that but now I’m thinking this is a mistake and we shouldn’t’

Exactly this. The narcissistic cycle of abuse.

I'm going to echo what others have said but you definitely need to keep hearing it. He is a narcissist/abuser/arsehole. The Bumble thing is secondary to everything else you've said. If everything was great, you could believe his excuses but everything is not ok. You can do better. You don't need this monster in your life. Look up Richard Grannon on YouTube - his videos are so informative about narcissism. The 'discard' phase is devastating and the push/pull feeling of wanting him back is completely normal. It's like getting over an addiction. The confusion of him being cold and cruel then bombing you with bold statements about how in love and excited he is... that is classic narcissist behaviour. It's designed to confuse you and to stop you trusting your own judgement. My ex was exactly the same.

The 'little' comments about appearance and lack of affection is again, standard. My ex once told me my weighing scales were faulty and I was actually a lot heavier than I thought I was. I had another ex who used to comment on my grey roots and told me I should 'treat' myself to a boob job. These people are cockroaches. You need to cut off contact and grey rock him. He is not worth your time.