Bumble

[Ellena646]

Hi,

so I met my partner on Bumble and we both were talking to other people for a few weeks before we came off, at which point it said our home town as the last location. He's just gone away and because we are going through a bit of a rough patch, I checked and his location has changed to the place where he is currently staying. Does this mean he's been on the app? I'm rubbish with this stuff... how do the apps work regarding locations?

So, you’ve dumped him but you’re sad that he’s not more cut up about it and doesn’t want to pore over the ashes of your relationship? Why? And why would anyone want to do that? It achieves nothing.

Unless you were hoping he’d come crawling, address all your fears and sweep you off your feet? In which case, please remind yourself that this isn’t a very nice man.

You have closure, this is how is feels. Whether dumper or dumpee, you don't get to unpick your feelings with the other person. He might be devastated. He might have much more experience being dumped than you do. He might have someone else lined up, now you are not his potential cocklodging target.

Forget him and move on with your life.

Yes, this is all correct. I expect it's because I haven't ever ended a relationship on Whats App before, usually there would be a real-life conversation of some kind... it's all very clean which is good, but also feels quite odd, if that makes sense... I am also feeling a lot of shame about how vicious I was with my words, but that's my stuff to deal with.

Late to the thread but reading through I thought he was following the cycle - lovebombing (this phase feels wonderful and genuinely as if you have met a soulmate), then devalue (subtle or direct criticisms)...this can go on for quite a while and in the background they are lining up a replacement. Final stage is the discard. The discard is sudden leaving you reeling and feeling that they never cared. There is no closure from this type of relationship you just have to accept he wasn't a good man.

He ticked the full house with "sorry you feel that way" as it's a classic statement said by devaluers.

Consider that have had a lucky escape - you may have lost your financial secuirty had he moved in with you.

Which vicious words? Are you talking about this message?!

Are you fucking kidding me?! First you tell me that my flirting is awkward and offputting, then you are spotted on an app, and then when you cancel our evening - when you are supposed to be cooking for me - I’m accused of being angry when actually I was just disappointed .. so I FaceTime you to reassure you and you won’t pick up. Sketchy. We’re done. Fuck this and fuck you

You think that was ‘vicious’? How, exactly? You stated what upset you and that you were done. Shock, horror, you also swore, get me my fainting couch. Where is the viciousness, please?

You found your voice

You will go on to meet someone decent

He will be single for a long time

I'm so sorry

Never ever message him again

If you need your stuff find a way he can leave it somewhere for you

Stay well away
What a slimey man

I also said, "you cancel a date at 5pm and you're angry with me, fuck off you controlling dick". We just didn't talk to each like that. I feel that this was not very cool of me, but I also know that he has an avoidant attachment style and I am anxious, so now that he has gone, like dust... my stuff dumped in my car boot the next morning, I'm feeling quite shocked by how fast it all happened, and I want to mend it and make it better... this is my own messed up stuff.. leaning into something that isn't right for me, but missing him like hell... what is wrong with me? I had an emotionally abusive mother (now dead) so I know I have to watch this stuff... Have been crying all weekend and feel devastated although I made it happen... Urggggghhhh

He ticked the full house with "Sorry you feel that way". Thank you for pulling that out... That was very, very cold and you are right, I was being told he had fallen in love with me after three weeks, and he was dropping hints about moving in with me after five months. I can now see that this is all very fast, although at the time I felt really adored. There were no put-downs, just that e.g. he would always say, "will I do?" if we were going out and I'd reply that he looked handsome, and if I said, "Will I?" He would just say "yes" or one time, "You look very colourful", to which a mate of mine said, "what like a five year old going on a picnic?" If I dressed up he'd say, "Oh we're dressing up?" or "you are wearing a dress" but no compliment. When I got my hair cut, he said, "You had your hair cut." no compliment, no "it looks nice,"... Looking back he withheld praise, rather than putting me down, but that's the same thing, isn't it? Is that still negging? I'm just checking in so I don't fall for this again...

Yes all very abusive

An abusive ex did that too

He once compared me to a special needs child in the street
Dreadful people to do this to others

They normally pick kind, caring people to go for as they are easier to manipulate (I have found)

He did what? that is shocking on so many levels... I am so sorry he said that to you what a complete dick. I once got in the car to drive to a gig and he said, "I thought we weren't dressing up" I had on a festival dress, not evening or too posh, and I turned to him and said, "you know I'll give you an alternative to that shall I...'Hello there, that's a nice dress." he looked quite shocked and went on to explain that compliments were not given in his household and something about being Northern. He then wipe said to me at different times in the kitchen, "You go and sit in the living room and look beautiful while I do this." That's the only time he's bothered... after that nothing...

Oh, and he once said I looked like a hamster, "You know those lines you have either side of your cheeks." I'd like to point out that he is a photographer, so trained observer which made these things feel even more shit. I did retaliate and said that I liked my cheeks and he backtracked and said so did he...he also called my hair "fluffy" when it's actually curly. Suggested I get a hair net in bed because it gets in his face.... and when I said, well it's curly, he said, "well there's curly hair and there's fluffy hair." Oh, and when he was talking about a friend who was getting a face lift, he said, "you could get yours done, throw in a boob job while your'e at it" which was given as a kind of joke, laughing and jesting but WTF... By the time he had finished I had: Fluffy hair, a hamster face and shit boobs.... I am feeling like a hobbit right now...

Sorry, I am ranting... just feel I have to get it all out to remind myself that I was dating an emotional abuser, because the core of that treatment is you doubt yourself...

Oh Op, you really were right to make the decision you did to end it imo.
I always found it helped to write a positive and negative list after a breakup. The pattern would normally end with more negatives than positives! Small steps and you will get there. He sounds a right arse, and you will undoubtedly be happier on your own or with someone new who treats you like the only woman in the world.

@Ellena646, Yes, not giving compliments is designed to lower your confidence but it also makes it difficult to complain about.

I wouldn't bother writing down positives, just list the negatives so if you doubt yourself you have a reminder you were right to end it.

At his age he isn't going to become a decent partner so he is likely to be someone else's problem in a few months.

You sound like you have a great sense of humour. Build up your friendships and you won't feel lonely.

A friend said to me yesterday, "but he always held your hand in the street, and was affectionate outside the house, so he obviously was proud to be with you." Interesting point... inside the flat/house he was not so affectionate...

Another thing he would say if I tried to discuss anything that was bothering me was, "I wouldn't mind but when I've been trying to be a good boyfriend...and then you say X"... is that conditional love? what is that? it used to make me feel really uncomfortable but I couldn't quite label it? Another response was "stop asking me questions, I won't be interviewed by you. You talk."

Stop stressing about him. He is done and gone. You dodged a bullet believe me.

Don't obsess about him. The lesson here is to really, really listen to your gut instinct next time something is making you feel uncomfortable or unloved.

I agree with @DropOfffArtiste , although I’m not really a ‘gut instinct’ person, so I’d be a bit more categorical about it. The things you’ve described are objectively rude, unpleasant, unkind and disrespectful. If someone is objectively rude, unpleasant, unkind and disrespectful to you, then do not date them. Do not seek to analyse why they are being rude, unpleasant, unkind and disrespectful. Walk away.

I wouldn't mind but when I've been trying to be a good boyfriend...and then you say X

Lack of accountability and invalidation. I understand the need to process what happened however it's helpful to reflect on how you felt and did you listen to your instincts. An unhealthy relationship will trigger our instincts that we may choose to ignore (never a good thing)

Is it too soon for me to go back on dating apps? I think one of you suggested I go on some nice dates and meet some better men... bit worried that my radar is off-kilter after the last experience. Any advice welcome. I'm quite shy, and a bit rocked by most recent experience... Can you tell by anything that a man says on an app that he might be a bit of a chancer? What are first date warning signs?

Take some time to get over the relationship.

A partner should enhance your life not be your life.

How is your life in general? Hobbies? Friends? Family etc

Live the best life you can and don't rush to find someone new, you don't need validation from a relationship.

Time is literally the main and only way to assess character. You cannot tell when first meeting and anyone who was lucky enough to meet someone decent had no more miracle skill than you, it was luck mainly.

There are things you can do to armour yourself for the big bad world. OLD is a playground for avoidant men, already married men and the narcissist but you get lovely men too. The real world can be just as bad. Main thing -

• Be aware of love bombing - if he seems too good to be true it probably is.

• You are looking at consistency in communication - dropping off at weekends, in the evenings. This is not needy, it is valuable data with who you are dealing with. What you chose to do with it is upto you. Remember if he had applied for his dream job paying 200k per annum would he forget to call? Would he drop the ball in the first year or employment? Would he fuck. People invest in things they see in their future and what benefits them. If he is not investing he does not see you as worth it.

• if you make a mumsnet post about his behaviour the relationship is likely already over.

• On OLD you do not know anyone from a hole in the wall; they can pretend to be whoever they want to be. Nowadays to keep yourself safe you need ro research them before even agreeing to go on a date. The NAMALT brigade can sit down - many woman are raped and killed from Men they meet online. You would be a mug not too nowadays. Years ago, fine. But not now. Everyone has a smart phone and can download a dating app whilst they take a shit and be speaking to a woman in a second. Same with instagram.

• Get his first name and Google - if he is in a rugby club, cricket club etc google the name and that or job - you will get full name. Next stop is social media. Aware this can be highly edited. Check followers and following. If he is self employed - a self proclaimed 'CEO' you get the name of the company and straight into companies house. I cannot begin to tell you how many are lying about their job. Search through Google and make sure no obvious criminal history. Be aware that this too, can now be edited. I knew one who was telling people he was doing a 'post graduate degree in law' - a research into his background he was never an attender at University in the first place so how he could be getting a PG degree is beyond me. This of course had a whole wealth of excuses until I told my friend hes a liar, an actress and go the fuck out.

Narcissitic people and men HATE slow movers - so you go as slow as you can. If you are smart enough if they get any hint of you slowing down you can catch a glimmer in their eyes.

• it makes no difference whatsoever to any heterosexual man when you have sex with him whatsoever. I have personally tested this theory whilst being surrounded by dating females and witnessing their interaction too. If he ghosts after sex the first night he would do it after three months I can 100% assure you

Dating apps are almost 100% game and you have to learn as much as you can - this is why I suggest a hiatus from dating for around one to two years. During this time learn, research, follow Mumsnet posts. Read 'the panic years'

The biological clock can tiktok in the background OP and make no mistake a genre of man know this and assume you are desperate - they will tell you what you want to hear and take full advantage of this. This is why you have to be more ruthless. I have known four friends in recent weeks (ages 35/37) who have been dumped by their OLD letharios after panic shopping on dating apps aged 30/31. They are now starting entirely from scratch. If they had taken a couple of years out - they would have been happier in their singledom (its not ideal I know) and educated to deal with the world we now live in. Also able to clearly assess all their options without the haze of some headfuck from a dating app.

Hope you find that helpful
Yaz the Game is probably the best and most sensible podcast for learning all about this stuff

Its too soon Elena

Sorry OP I thought you were younger (I think I was on another rant on another post and confused myself) 😂