Bumble

[Ellena646]

Hi,

so I met my partner on Bumble and we both were talking to other people for a few weeks before we came off, at which point it said our home town as the last location. He's just gone away and because we are going through a bit of a rough patch, I checked and his location has changed to the place where he is currently staying. Does this mean he's been on the app? I'm rubbish with this stuff... how do the apps work regarding locations?

He has also been very supportive, when I was ill was rushing about getting things for me, he's stepped up many times when I've needed him, no questions asked, and he spends a lot of time with me, BUT I've not met any of his friends, says he keeps work where his friends all are and his private life separate, so I'm now putting it all together and wondering if it balances out at all... he reckons that our sex life is normal, but I don't know if every 2-3 weeks is normal, it was every 2-3 days until fairly recently... I was married for so long with only one other short relationship before this one so I just don't know...

It is normal if you are happy with it, but it doesn't seem you are. The stonewalling when you try to have a conversation about it is more worrying than the frequency.

Love this.

I don't pay a subscription. I only have a certain amount of "swipes" a day though.

Urgh, get rid! There are so many other issues from what you've said.

He's just messaged asking if I'd like to pick him up from the airport at midnight.... he can walk!!

He's using you for convenience. Run, OP.

I phoned him. I told a white lie and said a friend had seen him on there with his location set abroad. He claims the location must just pick up wherever you go and that he's not talked to anyone or been on there. Has accused me of being untrusting and ended the call abruptly.

@Ellena646 use this as a chance not to bother contacting again. He will 100% try when you don't , he will gas light you as he has done already and make you feel like what you've said and done is what's wrong here instead of reassuring you. Then he will see your stance is strong and he will start trying to reassure you before he gets angry again. Watch the pattern. I can bet my last pound on this .....

@Ellena646 you know that's not true. His location would only update if he has actively opened the app.

Please do not let yourself be gaslit and let him manipulate you into believing you are the one in the wrong for checking in. Your gut told you to do it - and it was right. What you do with that information is critical to your happiness, because if he gets away with it this time, it WILL happen again.

I speak from a place of experience. I hope you're okay. I know it's a horrible feeling.

Even if that were true, which it isn't, why does he still have the app when you'd agreed to delete it?

He's lying to you and gaslighting you. Yes, you are untrusting because he has been untrustworthy. Don't second guess yourself, it is as it seems.

If he were genuinely innocent, he would've responded something like "oh wow, did they? How weird! I forgot I even had that app! Well, no reason to keep it now, obviously. I'll check and delete it straight away. No wonder you were worried, I can see that would've been a shock and shaken you up. Obviously I love you and not looking for anyone else."

But he didn't, did he? He lied and got angry at you.

Urgh after your update he just sounds more and more horrible. His response was awful… it speaks VOLUMES. Please trust your gut here OP. The silent treatment is a way to condition you, in effect grooming you to accept that he is in control. Not wanting sex? He’s probably always been on the apps & getting it elsewhere. It’s NOT normal.

Honestly OP, it’s fab living on your own & just having a nice boyfriend and they are out there. Dump this chancer…, his mask has already slipped - it’ll only get worse!

If you would like to???! How kind of him to let him pick you up if you want to 🙄

This is classic narcissist behaviour and exactly how my EXH treated me. This is abuse. My ex did the following;
Love bombed me initially, told me he loved me after 2 days.
I was hooked on how he loved me.
He started withdrawing compliments so I craved them.
I'm arguments he'd created he'd ignore me for days. I'd apologise for something I hadn't done and we'd be fine.
He told me my mistrust was ruining our relationship all the while he was seeing several other women.
He withdrew physical affection coldly.
He had me in a permanent state of confusion, panic and distress. And you can guess who was was only person who could make me feel better about myself. Him. He was the poison and the antidote.
Is any of this familiar?
This is textbook behaviour that he's displaying and you're a victim OP. The best thing I ever did was get that man out of my life. Single brought me peace of mind and I could see just how vile he was once out of that trap x

If you believe that bullshit OP, then you are lining yourself up for a lifetime of lies.

He did log in, obviously.

He definitely logged in as others have said. I've been abroad and logged in whilst in another country. You have to open the app for it to pin point your location and he surely has.

To see his location on the app you had to have also been on it OP so what gives?

totallyoutnumbered: Thank you for sharing that... I am so pleased you are now happy... I feel very supported and I am trying to keep calm but it is hard because I can see how I am probably being lied to. BUT to make matters worse, two female friends now claim they have been accused of the same whilst being nowhere near their Bumble Apps... is it possible at all that Bumble sometimes just picks up a location?

The Bumble thing is a red herring. If he were innocent, he would've replied as I mentioned above instead of getting angry and defensive. More important is how he treats you in reality, which seems increasingly unpleasant.

You are right, the other stuff is really very crap and I've allowed it which I am finding even more disturbing, kind of going down the rabbit hole at this end!

He should've deleted the app! He didn't and has no intention of deleting it now. Why would he even need it if he is exclusive with you and planning to move in? Look at the bigger picture.

You want to believe him because you don't like the truth staring you in the face. You are grasping at straws and looking for desperate implausible explanations.

Hope he is walking home from the airport!

Move on. Tell him it's not his fault so as to let him go gently. Keep looking, as I'm sure he was.

I'm not picking him up.. I may have been a right mug but thanks to the support on here I can see that it has to stop... I believed him when he said he couldn't use it without a subscription because I'm a bit useless with apps and stuff, and don't even know how to delete mine which is why it's still there. I am going to keep it open now though, to find someone better!!