We just scared our 4 year old & I'm so ashamed

[TreesAreFriends]

DH went out at the weekend. He has had very little sleep. Tension brewing all weekend. Last night we had a row over something silly and we slept in separate beds.

I got up with my 2 DS (4 and 2). Making them breakfast. DH came down. I tried to make up with him. He was sulking. Started rowing again. And then basically he started losing it. Really shouting. Stormed off. I needed to get ready and leave for work (he's on holiday) so I followed him and shouted "you need to look after your own children you arsehole"

And the 4 year old started shouting up the stairs "I'm scared mummy I'm scared"

I then had to comfort him. I forced DH to come downstairs and cuddle DS too. And DS started saying "family family I love my family. Kisses and cuddles please mummy and daddy"

I then left for work. I'm in tears on the train. I'm so ashamed this is their existence. Its not frequent but because I'm putting on a brave face and biting my tongue I guess when it happens it really goes off.

I feel deep shame. I wish I didn't have to leave them with him. I don't know how I work full time and pay for it all and be there for them.

I do try to talk calmly to DH to sort things out but he can't listen. And I hate the arguments because of the kids.

Sometimes I daydream about him just disappearing. I just wish he would walk away and never come back.

I grew up with parents who argued and didn't like each other. As we got older they tried to hide it (argued at night etc) but of course we know as children aren't stupid.

I would recommend not being together with your husband. Give your children a happy home without tension and worrying that any bad behaviour they do will cause mummy and daddy to shout at each other.

Urgh. You sound like my parents. I’m in my late 40s and still have the emotional scars of growing up in a household with fighting parents. I wish they had divorced, but according to them it’s better to have your kids grow up in a household of conflict, emotional trauma and constant anxiety than have the stigma of a failed marriage. I have a very low opinion of both of them now.

I'm so sorry you both went through this. I grew up with a DF who just would go silent for days and I always thought my mum was a "wimp" but I realise now she was keeping the peace for our sake.

It's definitely not stigma keeping us together. I couldn't give a shit about that.

I feel like I'd be throwing my kids under the bus. Like I can escape him but I'd be forcing them to spend days and nights with him without me. I would have hated to have to stayed with my dad when I was small without my mum. He was stern and drank a lot and didn't talk to me.

I've read enough threads on here to know DH would be well placed to get 5050. He's a teacher. He appears like a very nice modern dad.

I had this growing up too, it really affected me and made my relationship choices really poor. I was in an abusive relationship for 20 years and finally left when he started calling me names and my youngest son, who was 13 at time, started mimicking his dads behaviour towards me. It's only now that I know my whole relationship history is how it is because of the environment I was growing up in as a child.

Things I don't care about: stigma, loss of money, being alone, telling people, hurting him.

Things I do care about: my small DC spending 50% of their time with a petty, vindictive, narcissistic arsehole without their mummy.

What I mean to say is that you shouldn't stay with your husband and force your child to live in a toxic environment, leaving is the best thing, even if if you think it would be worse for your son to be 50/50 with your husband. If you don't leave and stay in the relationship you are saying 'this is how relationships are, and it's ok to live like this' to your son. You might not use words to say that, but your actions will tell him this.

@GCAcademic @LittleBirdBlu @NerrSnerr do you all wish your parents had separated? Even if it meant having two homes, and not being with your mum half the time?

Is it better that they're with him 100% of the time? The arguments led to you shouting too and scaring your children.

I've read enough threads on here to know DH would be well placed to get 5050. He's a teacher. He appears like a very nice modern dad.

I swear it some urban legend about dads who like to party jars requesting 50/50 custody after a split. I think it’s hardly the case.

Men who rarely look after their kids when still with their mother won’t want 50:50.

Even if he does, it still better than for your kids than listening to their parents argue and call each other names.

I swear it some urban legend about dads who like to party hard* (not jars!) requesting 50/50 custody after a split.

Yes, although my mother was actually the main perpetrator of these arguments so it would have been a relief to be away from her. But being in a household where conflict is the reality 100% of the time would be the worst option.

I 100% wish my parents separated when young. I hated walking on eggshells. I blamed myself when they argued and I have grown up as a people pleaser as I'm desperate not to make anyone angry.

Yes 100% they are still together now after nearly 50 years, and still bicker every day!! I hate going round there even now.

I have grown up as a people pleaser as I'm desperate not to make anyone angry.

Same. It’s set me back hugely in my relationships and professional life.

@NerrSnerr No. I do everything for them. I am ashamed I shouted. I am deeply ashamed. But I do all the night wakes. All the cuddles. Games. Food. Appointments. Clothes. Bedtime stories. Play dates. Clubs. Childcare arrangements. Bloody everything. And I work full time. He stares at his phone all day. Does bare minumn at home and at work. Complains. And is nasty and vindictive. So no. Absolutely bloody not.

Could the removal of the obviously toxic relationship reduce the likelihood of his toxic behaviour and allow him to focus on the children? You obviously don't mind leaving them with him now.

I am a people pleaser too. I put up with it all and try to make everything sweet and nice but occasionally i lose my mind im so angry. Like maybe twice a year i feel so angry i could hurt myself. I grew up with an angry dad. And now I'm married to one. And now I have sons. I can see the bloody pattern.

@Beachsidesunset I said in my Op that I hate leaving them with now but I have to go to work. I pay for 80% of everything. Its all on me.

And we have a nanny turning up in 2 mins so DH will soon be able to go back to bed.

You e got a nanny, he's a teacher and you pay for 80% of everything?

You can clearly afford to separate so do it. He won't want them 50/50 (even though he'll say he does when you tell him it's over). His priority is his phone.

They are going to be better off if you separate. They’ll be free of him 50% of the time at least, you won’t get worn down and depressed, they won’t have to witness rowing, and as they get older they can spend more time with you if they want. It also may not go to 50/50 and if it does, he may not bother actually doing it.

For the moment OP, I would just exist as if he is not there. Have no expectations of him, do everything yourself.

Long term you need to separate. I completely understand the worry of sending your DC to be with him, but they are alone with him right now. Would it be much different?

Yep. And don’t have this as the role model for your kids

Pull all your financials this week
Make an appointment with a solicitor a week today at the latest so you know how money will shake down
Make a plan for separation.
Tell him when you are ready

If you find yourself stalking do the freedom programme

It wouldn't be nice for the children to be with their dad without you if he is unpleasant to them.
But they have that now anyway and your protection can only mitigate so far.
If you were apart at least they would have the contrast between their happy calm respectful home and the other one, to be able to recognise the difference... and which one makes them happy.
The way it is at the moment, this is their normal and they have no life experience to know there is any other way.
Once they get to the 12+ years they will have some influence over where they want to be... Dad's house not very nice - they'll start resisting going there, a choice exists for them in that scenario.
As things stand at the moment, you are tacitly endorsing him and there are no choices and no knowledge of a home free of atmosphere.

I don't think anyone should break up a family home without deep thought, but from what you've said I think your fears of them being alone with him, whilst not unfounded aren't necessarily worse than the fear of staying with him should be.

The third option which you would really want of a happy home with two harmonious parents sadly isn't on the table (shame on him), so it is the choice of least worst options. 😔💐

Leave him, OP. If he's as useless as you say, he won't want 50/50. But be prepared for him to let down your DC time and time again. My parents divorced when I was 2, I saw him a handful of times (literally, a handful) after that, then no one has seen him since. I'm in my mid-thirties now.

In your position,I think I would be preparing for a future without your husband. Realise this choice is not only yours to make and he may decide to end it anyway.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I couldn't bear the thought when my DS was so small. We ended up splitting when he was 3 in the end.

Ex asked for 50/50 to punish me and to appear like the father he was pretending to be. We ended up with him having one evening a week (not overnight) and every other weekend. It's hard though and I wasn't working full time then .

I'd be making sure you keep track of everything. You say you pay for 80.%. why is that? Does he do more childcare? I'd look carefully at this. If he's a teacher surely he's on a decent wage? Or is he part time?

On the upside, if you are paying for 80% and you have a nanny, you will cope fine without him.