We just scared our 4 year old & I'm so ashamed

[TreesAreFriends]

DH went out at the weekend. He has had very little sleep. Tension brewing all weekend. Last night we had a row over something silly and we slept in separate beds.

I got up with my 2 DS (4 and 2). Making them breakfast. DH came down. I tried to make up with him. He was sulking. Started rowing again. And then basically he started losing it. Really shouting. Stormed off. I needed to get ready and leave for work (he's on holiday) so I followed him and shouted "you need to look after your own children you arsehole"

And the 4 year old started shouting up the stairs "I'm scared mummy I'm scared"

I then had to comfort him. I forced DH to come downstairs and cuddle DS too. And DS started saying "family family I love my family. Kisses and cuddles please mummy and daddy"

I then left for work. I'm in tears on the train. I'm so ashamed this is their existence. Its not frequent but because I'm putting on a brave face and biting my tongue I guess when it happens it really goes off.

I feel deep shame. I wish I didn't have to leave them with him. I don't know how I work full time and pay for it all and be there for them.

I do try to talk calmly to DH to sort things out but he can't listen. And I hate the arguments because of the kids.

Sometimes I daydream about him just disappearing. I just wish he would walk away and never come back.

Please leave him before you do more damage to your kids

If the OP is the higher earner and he only works part-time, I'm not sure that the OP would even get 50/50? Would he not get more custody? Apologies if this is incorrect. I don't have personal experience, I'm just judging on how things usually go from reading threads here to be honest. If he gets more custody, the OP would have to pay child support to him?

I'm absolutely open to correction on this though.

Do you honestly think a narcissistic, vindictive man will want 50/50 after the initial "she's going to pay for this" tantrum? He won't be arsed.

Nope. A year from now your dc will be "lucky" to get a Saturday pm visit from him

If he's vindictive, he could well apply for full custody?

I'd thread carefully on this one OP. I wasn't there for the arguments, so I'm not in a position to judge who was responsible for it all, but you both really need to stop this fighting. Whether that's splitting up or sorting out your issues is something only you can decide on.

It doesnt sound like he would want 50/50, especially if he is still using the nanny while he is off for 6 weeks.

Marriage counselling is not recommended where there is abuse in the marriage and for good reason. The OP should be going nowhere near counselling with this guy. If any counselling is needed it's anger management based therapy for the 'D' H. Though if he's not angry in every aspect of his life I doubt that would even work as if he's only angry at home that shows he's got a problem with women and I don't see any evidence that counselling can fix that.

I had a great upbringing untill about 11 yeah my parents argued which I hated but then it became physical I'd often see my dad dragging my mom across the kitchen floor by her hair or seeing her nose bust open, they were both bad she also provoked him by bringing other men home. I couldn't wait for them to live apart and separate it took alot of years for things to settle and people to move on and it still feels like somebody's else's story, I never told anybody I was ashamed of my unhappy home. I made sure my son never had an un happy home he's 22 now and never let my past effect me.
You argued and you feel guilty it doesn't mean your a bad person and have failed just try to not let it happen again in front of them. They are very young and hopefully will forget.

Not wanting to throw shade if it's not due, but you admit to "mothering" him which sounds like you may in fact just take control of everything which has eaten away at his self esteem to the point he doesn't seem the point of even TRYING to do anything at home as you'll just take over anyway. If you GENUINELY believe the kids will be at risk being left alone with him, you need to start recording any instances that you can use in court if necessary and seriously think about splitting. I spent a good portion of my early teen years with a miserable Dad and the stress of never knowing when he'd explode next was unbearable. I moved out at 19 because of it all

Your children could have a calm and stable home 50% of the time which is better than a fraught household, frazzled mum and ignorant dad 100% of the time.

But I highly doubt he'd want 5050.

What I'm concerned about is this statement too 'tension brewing all weekend'. I'm not sure what exactly you meant by that OP, but if you could sense tension (and I'm going to presume that you're not the guilty party here), don't you think the children sensed this tension also?
What was the silly argument about last night?

Without a blow by blow account of exactly what was said and by whom, it's wrong to jump to the conclusion that he's abusive. Sometimes women can be abusive too. This I know from personal experience unfortunately.
Also why did he get very little sleep? Surely he had a full night's sleep last night as you are the one who gets up during the night?

I have grown up as a people pleaser as I'm desperate not to make anyone angry.

Me too. When I was the same age as your child OP, I watched my father bleed all over the front hall when a row got out of control. I hated my childhood because of the underlying tension, the rows and then the sulking period following. The atmosphere damaged me immensely and despite huge amounts of therapy I still haven't shaken all those bad habits forged in the heat of my parents rage off. Multiple employers have told me how good I am at conflict resolution...never felt I could say I honed my skills as a small child trying to distract my parents from ruining yet another day with their stupid petty rows.

For large chunks of my late teens and early twenties we didn't have a relationship at all. With my parents, alone they were most fine. Ok, my mum had a tendency to moan about dad but that was far better than them fighting. Dad was in the military and I loved it when he went on deployment or when mum went back to the UK for a break. Now my mum is in my life purely because she's a better grandmother than she ever was a mother. My dad is dead. However I haven't forgiven either of them for forcing me to parent them in many ways when I was a very young child.

Something needs to change OP.

I had this growing up - and subsequently went into an extremely abusive relationship myself of 5 years where I just thought it was normal behaviour.
Please, stop. Just stop. You will damage your child beyond belief.

Leave already. He does nothing. He may request 50/50 out of spite but that would be short lived, most likely wouldn't even occur. My bet is he will requesg every other weekend.

I 1000% wished my parents would split up when I was a kid. Then they did, but they had to live together from splitting up when I was 12 to me turning 17, for financial reasons. It was HELL. I still have physical scars.

Don't do this to your kids OP. Even if you share custody at least there won't be as much aggression and tension with the two of you separated. And when they're with you they won't be on tenterhooks all the time waiting for things to erupt.

My parents were generally very good and had a good marriage, but there were still awful rows (often TBH about money) which would upset and scare me badly as a child. My DM would also often have a ‘face’ on IYKWIM for days at a time if anyone upset her - it made a horrible atmosphere, we’d all creep about on eggshells.

During one such ‘face period when I was maybe 12, I walked a long way into town and spent all my pocket money (not much) on some flowers for her. When I gave them to her she said (still with ‘face’ on) ‘I don’t want them.’

I was so bloody mad, I took them to the old granny next door and pretended I’d bought them for her specially.

I think my DF must have had a go at her about it, because she later asked where the flowers were.

‘You didn’t want them, so I gave them to old Mrs X!’

She was pissed off about that - probably worried in case I’d told the truth!

I always vowed that I’d never inflict rows or ‘faces’ on dds, and dh and I never have, though admittedly I’ve been very lucky in my dh, so they’ve only very rarely been a possibility anyway.

you need to get your children out of this environment ASAP. It's toxic and it's harming them.

In the very unlikely event that they end up spending 50% of their life living with their dad at least it will only be only 50% of their life around fights and bitterness. They will have the other half of their life in a safe space. At the moment there is no safe space for them. They live 100% of the time with abuse.

You seem to be in the very fortunate position of not being financially reliant on your partner so there is no excuse for continuing to expose your DC to this.

I’ve only read your first post OP and not all the replies but I just wanted to say that I grew up with two parents who had occasional big rows, and I’ve not been impacted by it. Maybe a cultural thing (my mother is not from England originally!) but i was brought up to know that arguments doesn’t always mean you don’t love each other. I’d much rather occasional blow ups than seething resentment and I think growing up in a household where I saw healthy arguments has meant I have a healthy relationship with conflict. Whereas I have friends whose parents never argued but sort of had passive aggressive battles instead who are massively conflict avoidant and struggle to resolve issues healthily or speak their minds in relationships.

Of course only you know the atmosphere in your house and how often these things are happening/how you really feel about your husband but on the face of it children seeing occasional things like this isn’t going to scar them for life, I promise.

I think that what you shouted at your DH (or not so 'D' H) was cruel too; not to him, but to the 4 year old who would have put 2 and 2 together and decided that you didn't want him (I think it's a boy?) as you essentially disowned him in his little head (I've been that child used as a weapon in arguments). Be really careful what you shout within earshot of vulnerable children (all children are vulnerable because they're children). Shouting, swearing and telling the husband to look after his kids (also your kids) wasn't great and you know that.

These rows are not occasional and they don’t love each other.

Look at your options but try not to get emotional. Approach the situation like if you were a third party and think of what you would advise to do . Don't think about his options yet because there are always two sides in a coin and your perspective is not his.
So:
1) How do you feel most of the time in your marriage? Happy, ok, contented, unhappy?
Once upon a time, you must have had a good time with your dh. Then something must have happen to get sour. Maybe you never put your foot down and now you do, you are doing it in the wrong way. You have to go gradually.

2) What do you want? leave or stay?
You mentioned in one of your posts that you wish he would magically disappear. Well, this is not going to happen. If you want to be on your own, with the kids, you and only need to take action and do what you need to do about it.

3) what can you do? go to get advice from the relevant organisations.

4) Your children seems to love their dad. If he is a good dad, regardless he is helping you or not, you would be wrong to deprive them of him, so, plan carefully the custody.

Also, I would add, try to curse less when you fight, even if your dh does it himself. Kids having to listen to curse or next to swear words like ''arsehole'' is not good. I should know, I work with young people and they never like their parents insulting each other but they do repeat the same words!

If there is still love, there is still hope. If there is not, then it is better to go your separate ways.

P.S: Also, be aware of using the word ''narcissist'' freely.

A narcissist is always selfish but a selfish person is not necessarily a narcissist. There is a difference between selfish/egocentric and a narcissist. They all have common characteristics but a narcissist understands perfectly the needs of others but since they have an extreme sense of self worth and doesn't care.

All the best.

Nothing about this weekend sounds like a healthy argument. There was abuse probably by both. Who was at fault isn't terribly important, but a Mum shouting and swearing at Dad about his children is going to be interpreted by a little child as Mum not caring about him.

These types like to threaten full custody.

The ones that do nothing for their kids will continue to do nothing.
The key is to never take the bait that you'd be upset at 50/50 but say, maybe we could do 75% him and 25% you and watch the blood drain from his face. They know raising children is hard work. They don't want to do it.
My DDs ex managed to keep her around for a couple more years with his threats of him wanting full custody.
It's been 3 years since the divorce. He's seem them 2 or 3 times in those 3 years. All talk.

From your posts, he adds zero to your life and just makes the household unpleasant.

At least go to an attorney and see what your rights are and the way out.

Just sending hugs.. xx

Are you blaming her for him feeling unsuccessful?
Someone who has taken a part time role, has a nanny, does less of the parenting and home tasks, and still forgets the same of his students certainly sounds like bare minimum.

Quite possibly he might have underlying depression, or issues brought on by past abuse, or society's feelings about men who earn less and work part time
No matter what, it's pretty retrograde to make it woman's fault for not making him feeling like the big man. Does she have to be the main cheerleader, main caretaker AND the main earner?

They got upset when you shouted though? You don't like your husband so separate. He may well.bw more relaxed with them without you around.