We just scared our 4 year old & I'm so ashamed

[TreesAreFriends]

DH went out at the weekend. He has had very little sleep. Tension brewing all weekend. Last night we had a row over something silly and we slept in separate beds.

I got up with my 2 DS (4 and 2). Making them breakfast. DH came down. I tried to make up with him. He was sulking. Started rowing again. And then basically he started losing it. Really shouting. Stormed off. I needed to get ready and leave for work (he's on holiday) so I followed him and shouted "you need to look after your own children you arsehole"

And the 4 year old started shouting up the stairs "I'm scared mummy I'm scared"

I then had to comfort him. I forced DH to come downstairs and cuddle DS too. And DS started saying "family family I love my family. Kisses and cuddles please mummy and daddy"

I then left for work. I'm in tears on the train. I'm so ashamed this is their existence. Its not frequent but because I'm putting on a brave face and biting my tongue I guess when it happens it really goes off.

I feel deep shame. I wish I didn't have to leave them with him. I don't know how I work full time and pay for it all and be there for them.

I do try to talk calmly to DH to sort things out but he can't listen. And I hate the arguments because of the kids.

Sometimes I daydream about him just disappearing. I just wish he would walk away and never come back.

• and they seem to cut

It would be so heartbreaking if your cute ds4&2 became just like their dad and started treating you like he does, which is more likely if nothing changes imo.
If you split and your dh stops relying on you enabling his detachment from adult graft, and you can create healthy boundaries with your boys, you are less likely to end up unconditionally loving and raising mini-dh's. 💔

I totally get where you are coming from. It is so easy to shout 'leave' and it is also easy for people who had a shit childhood to say it would have been better if their parents had split up, but of course who really knows what the unlived life would have been like?

I think you need to get some proper support for yourself and start to seriously investigate leaving. You don't have to make the decision today. But I think you do have to start seriously thinking it through today.

And for me. Mine should have split when I was little, but they didn't. Now when I ring my Mum it's just a litany of how awful her life is and how horrible he is to her - but she's still not going to leave. And horrible though it sounds, my sympathy levels have gradually eroded and now I have none.

Don't become my Mum. Life is too short to become that woman.

My parents split when I was three and it was the best thing they could have done for me. I had two close friends who had parents who stayed together until the children were at university. In one case we had all known that it was not a happy home, even when we were 9/10, and my friend was thoroughly relieved that they finally separated. In the other, a friend was completely oblivious (she knew they argued but thought it was normal) until they dropped the bombshell during our first year (including that they had stayed together for her). She felt utterly betrayed and refused to speak to either of them for a long while.

I hope things improve for you, but it sounds like a miserable situation to grow up in.

In my case it was my mum that was the nasty one. My dad kept saying he'd leave because of how she treated me but he couldn't be arsed in the end. I have a very low opinion of them now. If he'd left I could have opted to mainly live with him (was old enough) and would have been less damaged by her

It not healthy to raise kids in an enviroment without arguments.

Me and DH grew up on opposit ends of that spectrum, My family SCREAMED everything at each other to the point its actually comical to people (honestly its so ridiculous its surreal and you get use to it) and DH family NEVER argue they just pasive aggresively snip at each other and the tention is INTENSE.

I have zero fear of my family, they are hard work but Im not scared of them, confrontations, noise, arguments or anything.

My DH is a ball of anxious nerves whos terrified of any kid of disagreement or to disappoint his parents because hes aware (like everyone else) one day among this 40 year mounting tention the camels backs gonna break and no one knows when.

It's a tough call. I was in the similar position and left. My DD is with her dad 35% of the time and I miss her terribly. I also feel his influence on her is questionable in many ways and find it very difficult that I can't intervene. I won't sugar coat it, it's been hard in many ways and we're nearly 4 years on. I feel he does everything he can to alienate her and is basically emotionally abusive. I can't prove it and can't really do anything to stop it.

However I felt I was damned either way. If I stayed and bit my tongue and kept the peace (or argued) I was complicit. By leaving at least I make a stand, I show her that behaviour isn't ok, it isn't how relationships should be.

I had a horrible childhood. My dad was a narcissist and exerted control.over my mum. She was miserable her whole life.

I wish she had left him. Strangely the only good times I remember with my dad were Saturdays when my mum was working. He took me out and we had nice times. The hurt he inflicted on me was in the family unit, not when he was alone with me.

You can do this.

Don't blame yourself...there are a lot of angry men out there. As another poster said, maybe living apart would remove a day to day toxic element that might improve the situation after the initial break up. And I'm another one to say I would have preferred two households growing up. I totally get why you don't want the kids alone with your partner 50/50, but you can't continue as you are and that might be another step best faced later on, which might even be better than you think (he might not be bitter angry dad anymore in a new living situation and he might not want or get 50/50).

You need to split up.
All 3 of you are miserable and I don’t get why you’re still together.

The only thing worse than hearing your parents arguing is when they’re not arguing and you’re having to walk around on egg shells knowing that any minute something you do could cause an argument.

You are putting a lot of blame on DH but you’re the one who had an argument about your son in front of him - so he’s going to think it’s all his fault.
I think you both probably have a lot of faults here.

This needs to be a wake up call and you need to end things asap.

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose your post is eminently wise. ( (I wish I'd seen it years ago when I was in this situation as I stayed FAR too long...).

Good Luck OP: If you separate both you & your children will be happier.

have not RTFT.

but

I feel deep shame. I wish I didn't have to leave them with him. I don't know how I work full time and pay for it all and be there for them.

you have to let the guilt at working full-time go. Do you think men do that? no they don't. Each familiy (should) do(es) the best they can for their own circumstances, and if that means going to work full time, that is what you do. You don't define yourself by your job, i guess, so don't define yourself by your status as a mother. That way lies only madness.

If you're not planning to leave you and your DH need to be on the same page about what the chilrden do and don't see/hear. And work from there.

virtual hugs though, have been there.

It is a difficult call to make. My emotionally abusive exhusband didn’t want shared custody but would have them one night a week (often cancelling) & wouldn’t feed them properly (they’d have chips while he had a full meal, he’d say he couldn’t afford to feed them as I took all his money), he drank, he made them watch horror films. But for me even the grief over not being able to protect them one day a week was nothing compared to them being exposed to him 7 days a week.

Also I’m betting he’s a teacher who gets off on belittling his students.

Then you need to gather evidence. Next time he explodes, record him on your phone. Do this surreptiously a few times and use this as a reason for you to have custody with him having visitation rights.

That or insist he gets some counselling to curb his anger and work through his issues so you can have a harmonious marriage and family life.

I'm not so sure that him being with them alone is potentially any worse than both of you staying together as it sounds like it wasn't a one-way argument. You were shouting and swearing too.

My parents fought. My dad was often unfaithful and in a perpetual rage and my mum was weak, had very low self esteem and chronic ADHD. Our house was a tip, and she was almost dysfunctionally forgetful. about absolutely everything. So although we walked on eggshells I think life would have been even more hellish if they had split up. She'd have been sweet natured but useless and he'd have been manipulative and furious. At least together we had her gentleness and his practicality. (Just to offer a slightly different take on it always being in children's best interests for fighting parents to split up.)

OP, have you seen a lawyer? I think that would be useful to get an idea of how likely he is to get 50-50 and whether you can argue that his behaviour means he's not suitable for 50-50 and what you'd need to be able to prove it. (I'm assuming that he's been like this for a while, it's not just the last few days.) Get some proper advice, not the free 30 minutes. Doesn't commit you to anything but might help you find a way forward.

My parents separated when I was about 10, my older brothers about 13 and 15. We as siblings were so happy when they sat us down and explained dad was moving out. Main thing is we all learnt how to respect others, not use money as an emotional weapon (as my dad did and continues to do), and my brothers saw how not to treat women.
As another poster said my DHs family is complete opposite, they've never argued or pulled each other up for disrespectful behaviour, his mother keeps an almost laughable at times veneer of happy families. My DH had to learn the hard way through an emotionally abusive first marriage how to stick up for himself because he'd been taught to just smile and tolerate anything.
Separated parents can be a good thing especially when compared to stifling passive aggressive fake 'happy families'.
Sorry for the ramble but I hope that helps. Never feel guilty for sticking up for yourself or your children!

What I'd do is sort out some marriage counselling for you both. And get some time together away from the DC if you don't get enough, it sounds like you're really winding eachother up and taking it out on eachother, and need to learn to connect and respect eachother.

If that doesn't work you need time apart. A lot of it.

He is not a great teacher. He does the bare minimum.

And then

He always talks about being a failure or being useless etc. I wonder where he got that notion from? 😂

Aw, it's lovely to see the love oozing from your posts.

I'm not surprised you snapped, he sounds like an absolute cunt. Obviously not good in front of your kids but you know this already.

So he works part time and is off today but you have a nanny coming anyway? Sounds like your kids will have a nicer day but why does he not look after his own children?

I'd get some legal advice if I were you. If he's part time my (very basic) understanding is that he could possibly try to claim he is the main caregiver and claim child maintenance from you. Happy to be corrected if I'm wrong!

Record him if you can, in case he does go for custody. It will help to have evidence of what he is actually like.

Op, I'd also advise you to separate based on what you've written. Your boys are still young and getting out now would be better for them in the long run.

Yeah, I'm not sure why people are so dismissive of this kind of response in general.

In your situation I would probably try and take the kids out for very long day trips, visit family over night, after school clubs so you can all be away from him while you come up with a longer term plan.

Sorry, sounds really shit 😞

Leave the arsehole. Seriously, the children at school don’t get the best from him and neither do his own children. He’s sounding unpleasant all round.

Speak to a SHL and try to get this sorted. Once you have knowledge about your legal position, you will be able to make the big decisions which, I think, are inevitable.

Consider what you and your children deserve. It’s more than this.