We just scared our 4 year old & I'm so ashamed

[TreesAreFriends]

DH went out at the weekend. He has had very little sleep. Tension brewing all weekend. Last night we had a row over something silly and we slept in separate beds.

I got up with my 2 DS (4 and 2). Making them breakfast. DH came down. I tried to make up with him. He was sulking. Started rowing again. And then basically he started losing it. Really shouting. Stormed off. I needed to get ready and leave for work (he's on holiday) so I followed him and shouted "you need to look after your own children you arsehole"

And the 4 year old started shouting up the stairs "I'm scared mummy I'm scared"

I then had to comfort him. I forced DH to come downstairs and cuddle DS too. And DS started saying "family family I love my family. Kisses and cuddles please mummy and daddy"

I then left for work. I'm in tears on the train. I'm so ashamed this is their existence. Its not frequent but because I'm putting on a brave face and biting my tongue I guess when it happens it really goes off.

I feel deep shame. I wish I didn't have to leave them with him. I don't know how I work full time and pay for it all and be there for them.

I do try to talk calmly to DH to sort things out but he can't listen. And I hate the arguments because of the kids.

Sometimes I daydream about him just disappearing. I just wish he would walk away and never come back.

@TreesAreFriends Seconding what @GCAcademic @LittleBirdBlu said. I am a consummate people pleaser with real difficulty setting boundaries and an abusive marriage behind me as (I believe) a result of being raised in that kind of environment. I remember sitting huddled upstairs with my siblings in silence waiting to hear if the yelling had stopped (like @GCAcademic my mum was the human grenade) and it is only after I reached adulthood that I realized what a dysfunctional and damaging environment it was. And please remember, occasionally losing it after stuffing down all the abuse is a completely understandable reaction. Of course in an ideal world you would be in total control of yourself at all times, but walking on eggshells is exhausting and your feelings are going to leak out somehow. So try not to be so hard on yourself.

Not one of us. I slapped my 3 year old daughter once and it haunts me to this day.

OP, maybe let your 4 year old cuddle in with you for a little bit.

I watch children's films when my soul feels battered. Maybe a night of softness won't go astray. I know, if you're like me, you don't want to give them bad habits, but one night? ;) Just let him feel safe.

It was a silly comedy I watched recently but with a little child in it. I've remembered! Kindergarten cop 2!!!!!!!!!!!

I think the original one is also on Netflix? I love little silly children's movies when I'm sad, and your little boy might laugh a little too to see his Mummy is happy. x

Btw, my daughter doesn't remember it. I do though. You need to soften a bit sometimes and be vulnerable too. I know I was hard on your earlier as I had a shit childhood at the hands of my mother but you're not like her.

I'm sorry for being hard on you. I really am.

How is your DP behaving now, op? Is he any better?

I don't know what to say except repeat everything others have said. Everyone has shit days as parents where they wish they were better.
Mine have watched TV and played on games all day today because I'm so tired after entertaining them non stop for 3 weeks and then argued with my husband becuase he came home and said he had a hard day. Its awful, but we all do it. Please give yourself a break when things don't go well. However if, like you say, your DH is like this all the time with the children and you then maybe it's time to think about what you can do to free yourself of this. It's not good for you never mind your children. Relationships and family life aren't happiness all the time but you need to find some joy, light and love in each day.

Better to be in a secure, emotionally safe and calm household 50% of the time than in an unstable, walking on eggshells, shouty household 100% of the time.

While being shown a relationship model they're likely to replicate themselves as adults, like you have done to an extent by staying with a partner despite them not making you happy.

All he cares about is being a good dad.

All he cares about is being perceived as being a good dad.

Ah @Dalint a kids film would have been great. In the end we had a dance to some of his fave songs and he fell asleep in my arms. The younger one had lots of extra cuddles too. Don't worry about being hard on me. I can't control DH but I can control my reactions to him...and I didn't do that this morning. He's sulking with me still tonight. Just watching boxing videos on his phone. He will let it go in a couple of days and just start cuddling up to me and going back to normal. But I know its not right. And only I can protect my DC from it all. They really are my absolute priority. I feel so so disappointed at how things are turning out. Anyway rambling now. Thank you for being kind.

Unfortunately your solicitor speaks true. Listen to her. Nevertheless, your boys will still be better if you separate. He may step up more than you think, but if not you’ll just do the same, only without the drag of his continual presence: you’ll do the overwhelming majority of childcare and pay for the privilege.

There is a promotion available at work in a couple of months. I'm not sure whether to go for it now. The better I do at work the better he does out of the divorce? I'm trying not to be bitter but I feel bitter. He is ruining our lives. I would happily go out to work, and still pick up the majority of childcare and house stuff, and look after all the finances and all he has to do is be nice, kind. Last night was awful. 4 year old waking the 2 year old at 5am. DH saying "fucks sake" over and over again. Ignoring us all.

In my life I've never felt as hopeless or as much of a failure as I do right now. The weigh of my DC happiness feels so heavy and I can't for the life of me work how to create a future where they will be happy. All I see is unhappiness and trauma. I never thought it would be like this. There is a voice just telling me to give up.

I know you're all saying split. And I am listening. And this can't continue like it is.

I think I've painted him as some sort of jack the lad party boy though who will go off and leave us to it. He won't. He hates work, has a few friends who all live miles away, he has limited money. And on paper he is obsessed with his kid and me. That's what he tells everyone. He doesn't have anything else apart from us. And very ropey mental health. I'm scared of what might happen. He's unpredictable.

There is a thread on here asking if people regret divorce and everyone says no. Except one woman. Who says he took everything, turned the DC against her and has spent his life trying to ruin hers. It happens.

Your last post is ringing alarm bells like a tornado siren to me. I don't want to worry you, but a combination of mental illness and obsession with you, and perhaps a fear of loss of all of you is sometimes a very dangerous combination but only sometimes.
I'm not going to advise you apart from to say get advice from professionals and from those who can support you if you decide that you want and/or need to leave.

It's hard to tell how dangerous he is and sometimes there are no real signs until something awful happens. He could of course be just depressed and he could step up as a father if you do split up.
I'm not sure what to say to you at this point but I wish you luck and I hope that things get better for you all. I'm glad you had a nice evening with your little ones in the end.

Is drink a factor in all this OP?

OP,

You sound like a great woman in a shocking situation.

You are afraid and trying to manage a really scary man.

You have to start looking at the practicalties of leaving.

Family support.
Leave the house.
Talk to work.
Childcare without him.
A very small apartment that is peaceful and safe is better witjout him.

Peace is priceless.
Reach out for practical help.
Have you spoken to Women's aid?
Have you looked at housing.

His mental health leaves you scared.
Be honest to people.

He talks about being a father but is a shit scary one.

Start standing up for yourself and your children by getting organised.

Forgive yourself. That is all!

Honestly, I think kids actually understand that mothers are not perfect. They understand that we have bad days where the world gets on top. I know a slap isnt great (nor is shouting etc). But much much worse are the parents who's normal behaviour is abusive/violent both. I was in the park yesterday and a mother was dragging along a little crying girl. I heard her when she was past me scream at her to shout up. Now this could have been a woman who was having a moment. She might regret it and minutes later apologise and hug the little girl. Or she could behave like this a LOT, in fact most of the time. When I was a teacher I saw a LOT of that parenting and the damage it caused. And I saw worse. There is a massive difference between a human being a human and having a terrible moment and a human being an a'hole and treating a child abominably.