Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

More advice from Sorting:

Nowadays the questions you need to ask to establish things are IMHO:

1. Are you on the apps? You may need to expand on this as he may think having a profile but not logging in means he is off it. Also is his profile hidden or deleted?

1. Is he multi dating? Not multi dating doesnt mean you are boyfriend/girlfriend, it just means he isnt dating others?

Does he envisage he wants to multidate now or in the future?

1. Are you exclusive? This is different to the boyfriend/girlfriend question. Is he chatting/flirting/sexting/emotionally or physically intimate with anyone else?

Some people think exclusive is sexual exclusivity but I think sexting others is not an exclusive behaviour.

1. What are you? Casually dating? Going with the flow? Boyfriend/girlfriend?

Lots in between all those too.

1. For further down the line....what do you think is cheating? It is important that you have similar views on what constitutes cheating and what is acceptable behaviour.

Think about what you want now and in the future and your answers to those questions and then ask him.
If you're intimate already then questions 1 -3 are perfectly fine to ask for now.

Question 4 can come later or if 1 - 3 go well.

Morning all!

Don't forget to DM me if you'd like to join the IRL meet up in October

Morning all! Checking in

Yes yes YESSS to this new thread title!! @SortingItOut smashed it! 💥💥 xxx

Hiya! Checking in

You are the best Butterfly your posts always make me smile

@SortingItOut i think you're really strong lady you know. Proper admire the way youve handled the breakup with MrK 🌻

😅 I aim to please 😁😁 x

I think this title couldn’t encapsulate better how we are all feeling lately ☺️☺️❤️❤️

Just checking in to say I hope you're all doing ok on those pesky apps!

I'm in an open relationship with MrD; we have issues and I'm discussing them ad nauseum off MN with many of my fellow Threadie's from days of Covid yore.

Because I'm in an open relationship that does however mean that ... drumroll ... I'm back on a dating app. It's one purely for women seeking women and it also has a friendship toggle.

I'm finding that I'm waaayyy more boundaried than I was in the days of post pandemic desperation 😂 and that because MrD and I have discussed the concept of an open relationship in great depth, I'm much more conscious of how and why I'm engaging with others.

If someone matches and then doesn't reply, they get 24 hours then the chat is deleted. If it's clear we are not looking for the same thing, the match is deleted immediately.

If I'm enjoying the connection, I suggest a meet up within a very short time of connecting. If someone is flaky, they get deleted.

Who cares if it takes me a year to find the right person for my circumstances?

Better that than wasting a minute on the wrong person!

Ok, in reality things can be more complicated, especially where I am with MrD at the moment.

However, when you're starting with a clean slate, why do anything other than have strong boundaries?

Here endeth Bella's TED talk.

Enjoy!

Sortingitout I don't know why I'm not strong enough to end things, I'm so strong in my work like but I'm awful in my private life. Outside this guy I just have work and my dogs, my DDs are amazing but they don't live slide to me.

And no, he's not enhancing it at all...

Lovemusic sounds like you're doing the right thing with Mr Peachy, I know you're right about life being too short to just settle, but I've had such a rubbish time with men, they are getting worse all the time, and I keep thinking maybe I should stick as when I twist it's never a success.

You have strong boundaries BelladiMamma, have you always had them or did you have to work on them?

What you say about a year to find the right person resonates - I think if someone told me you have to go through all this crap for another 12 months but then you'll find the right guy, I'd be 50/50 because I could be on my own for 12 months, but I can't keep going through the apps trauma for another 12 months, and that's the only way I'm going to meet anyone, I've not met anyone irl for literally years.

@Daisysunset
I used to have strong boundaries as a younger woman, I've had them at times since but honestly it's been a whole lot of work!

The apps are crap but they're useful. Just imagine you're a recruiter and you've advertised for a specific role but a bunch of chancers just keep sending in their CV ... eg you actually want a maths teacher but a bunch of English grads keep applying ...

And by the way, as a bi woman I can verify that there is cock in abundance ... so never ever sell yourself short!

@BelladiMamma boundaries are my new thing at the ripe old age of 52! I’m on the apps, and being pretty ruthless, although I have moments of self doubt, hence seeking advice on here.

i look forward to plenty cock 🤣Though it does seem a bit unlikely with some of the men in my age range!

@GoldenMirror 52 here too, and also concerned about the volume of cock, although there are plenty of dicks on the apps

Still haven't got anything to say on the dating front, but checking in anyway 🙂❤️

Quite @Daisysunset 🤣

I've considered dating a little younger, but don’t want to seem creepy

How young would you go? I'd worry that I'd be a disappointment when I got naked 😳

Hi 👋

Can I join this thread please?

I've been split up from stb exh (can't wait for divorce day) for 8/9 months. Completely over him (it took a while) and have tentatively started dating again.

I had one date (before I was over ex) with a man in my local pub where I drank too many beers, told him my embarrassing poo stories and went home and puked. We also spent the whole time talking about our exes!

Came off the apps and then this month went back on hinge. Had a nice (only one this time) pint with a nice enough man but no spark.

Am on a facebook singles group with people that like adventuring. It's a funny group and I am talking to one person off there but he lives a few hours drive from me and only msgs me or voice notes me once a day. It's a bit strange (he's definitely single as we're facebook friends).

Also a nice enough guy I'm chatting to on hinge wants to go for a drink this week.

I'm really enjoying being single and adventuring all over the place. I have teenagers so I'm getting my life back, plus we have so much fun. I don't need a man for a house or a family, I just want to find someone who loves me, who I can love and go on adventures with.

I'm looking for the type of man who wants to on a quest rather than a walk!

@ButterflyOfShay Thanks for your positivity about the thread title. So many people are not loving themselves first on this thread and I want to encourage them to.

With regard to the Mr K break up,I'm just going with the flow, feeling my feelings and building an even better life.
I'm still sad its ended but know its for the best. Better things await me.

How was your day out yesterday?

@Daisysunset why don't you have anything else in your life?
Have your hobbies fallen by the wayside?

You can't live your best life without fulfilment which should come from a variety of sources, you are clutching on to him as you have nothing else and think there is nothing better out there.
There are better things out there. Build your life up so you don't need a man (but will want a man for the right reasons).

Can we help with ideas and suggestions of hobbies or other things to enhance your life?

My update is that I'm currently interviewing for the position(s) of FWB☺️

It's going ok but a lot haven't made it past Stage 1 and there are a lot of stages!!

Like bella my boundaries are super high.
I've not always been good with boundaries after a crap marriage and then I went on a sexual revolution rampage before falling into a relationship with Mr K.
I've had therapy, I've read books and I know my worth.
Right now I want FWB but in time I'll look for a relationship properly (rather than falling into one).

My only issue now is that I've joined so many groups, got new hobbies and I can barely find the time to interview for the FWB positions 🙄

@SortingItOut I think my life revolved around DDs and when the youngest moved out 18m ago I overinvested in a relationship with one Mr Unavailable which finished in December. He was still on the sites for the whole year we were together as he didn't have time to delete them.... Then I jumped into this one in January.

I do struggle with hobbies - I've got two dogs so I can't spend too much time away from home. And there's not really much I like doing with people - anything I am interested in tends to be solo things, so not ideal for getting myself out there.

Any suggestions would be very welcome x