Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Daisysunset they are some brilliant benefits! I was in a mixed one prior to joining my current group but it didn't suit me. I've made some lifelong friendships from it over the years and everything we read is unique. 😊

Meetup would maybe have some in your area, they have all sorts of groups on there. Their website is www.meetup.com. You'll have to register for an account first before joining anything.

Reading Groups for Everyone is a great website as well, where you can find a book group based on your area. It's run by the reading agency. The website is www.readinggroups.org ❤️

A blow job is kinky?!

@GoldenMirror According to some men. I thought it was just part of sex🤷‍♀️

This is why it helps to be clear on their definition of kinky because its a broad spectrum.

No.8 100%

That’s hilarious, I love it! They probably view themselves as Bear Grylls type sex gods and possibly the sort who truly believe any female will be swooning from their mere existence 😂

Musing about Turk.. thinking how for someone who was so quick to say to my acquaintance he has a girlfriend, then he can’t be too loyal can he as always makes the effort to say hi etc when he sees me, stares at me, chats to me and stuff? If he’s so quick to be loyal then what’s with that? Unless she lives abroad but how could that work as been seeing him for like 3 years now and never once with a lady?

@ButterflyOfShay wonderful news about Mr. T. Looking forward to seeing what unfolds between you two! ❤️

That’s so sweet of you @ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers . But I don’t think anything will ever come from it. It’s just a little bit if a game, that never ends 😅 but i need these pointless little things in my life for some reason! 🤯
Hope you’ve had a nice weekend?? xx

Thanks @SortingItOut for the new and brilliantly named thread. Am definitely a work in progress on the loving oneself front.

@ButterflyOfShay is there ANY WAY you can find out from the horse’s mouth what Turk’s situation is? I agree re the low likelihood he would have shared this info with your acquaintance unless she knows him well. How can you move this forwards..? If you sense there is a mutual attraction… am trying to think of a casual way of indicating you’d like to chat to him more!

@Daisysunset please don’t be too hard on yourself for choosing unavailable men. In my experience our propensity to do these things is not so much about our self-worth in terms of career, accomplishments etc, but to do with the kind of parenting we had and whether we felt securely loved as children. The other thing is that even for you to have recognised the pattern puts you in a very good position to notice and make changes. My last partner was similar in terms of that pulling away after having spent some intense time together, or saying something lovely. It would then be followed by a few days of sporadic contact before starting to ramp up again before our next date. Now you’ve noticed this pattern, even if you don’t take action straight away, you can’t “unknow” it - so give yourself time to reflect and decide what to do. Can also recommend a therapist alongside dating if you notice you have this pattern - I started seeing my (latest 😆🤪) therapist whilst suffering anxiety with this last unavailable partner - that’s now over and I’ve moved on and am three months into new lovely relationship.

Just got off the phone to a very good friend who I’d suggested Feeld to.. she’s very wet behind the ears with OLD and phoned in an absolute mania of confusion about all the acronyms, weird fetishes, and completely frank profiles with people setting out their stall. She’s having fun though, chatting using her phone meanwhile frantically googling all the terminology as she goes 😆

Lovely weekend here with MrNice - we even swapped tentative declarations of love-type feelings (in an “it’s early days but…” kind of way).. first time I’ve uttered sentences like that to a man for probably 10 years. He is absolutely fab and I feel very content with that side of things in life.

That sounds lovely @ibelieveinmirrorballs and progressing at what I think is a good speed re declarations of feelings.

Thank you for your words - I guess you're right in that at least (and at last!) I've noticed a pattern. The whole "say something nice then pull away" is so unsettling isn't it, a real roller coaster.

Thanks for the links @ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers - I've just joined MeetUp! Think I need to have a fair amount of confidence to actually go to something, but I really need to put myself out there.

Thanks @Daisysunset - very early days but for once I’m not angsting about it at all and feel we can talk about things as they come up. I recall on the last thread you said you were 52 - I am too, and am hoping there’s plenty of time yet to sort all this stuff out and have a healthy relationship (having had a shockingly bad marriage…).

Yes the oscillation between being demonstrative and not is very unsettling and was starting to affect my mental health.

It's affecting my MH too @ibelieveinmirrorballs - I really feel I'm spiralling sometimes but not sure if it's partially to do with the menopause... Not going through it yet but it can't be far away so that might not be helping.

I had a good marriage, just one of the growing apart things, but since that ended I don't think I've had one decent relationship really 😕

Then you know you can have a good relationship - that’s great!

If you're not on HRT and think you could be starting to get symptoms eg brain fog, anxiety, depression.. it might be worth looking into that too. I’ve been on it since age 50 and it’s been a revelation.

I think as we accumulate more knowledge and ability to cut things off very early if there are warning signs someone’s not looking for the same thing, it does get easier to think “hang on, I don’t need to stick with this, there are ALWAYS more people out there”. I’ve only recently realised for example, after going round the houses not really knowing how to articulate what I’m looking for, that I’m looking for LOVE. Got so wrapped up in wondering “do I want FWB, exclusive or open, committed or casual...?” that I totally lost sight of what I want and need at the core. I want someone who’s genuinely a bit enthralled by me and is delighted to get to spend time with me. We all deserve that.

I've asked about HRT but the doctor won't prescribe it yet. I had a coil removed in January, and went on the pill but I've stopped taking that.

I think I want love too. I've kidded myself I don't really want commitment because I've never had anyone want to commit to me. Apart from the love bombers, narcissists and desperadoes that litter my past, obviously 🙄

I think I really just want someone to be nice to me, take me out to do things, and shag me.

I'd take that for starters 😁

@Daisysunset it doesn’t seem too much to ask, does it? 🤣

Yes I want those things too 😬 BUT I’ve realised if the person I’m doing those things with us constantly worrying about anything developing too much, they keep pulling back and that see-sawing causes me anxiety. I want someone who is open to having adventures, great sex, and also unafraid of developing attachment. Previous iron admitted to me recently he can’t remember ever having told anyone he was in love with them. Therefore not a surprise he was forever putting boundaries down in case I asked more of him than he felt able to give.

@Daisysunset might be worth getting a second opinion on the HRT… I went to a private doctor as GPs are notoriously inconsistent in their handling of menopause treatment. After a total of two consultations and getting prescriptions privately I was then able to transfer over to my GP who happily continued the prescription.

@ButterflyOfShay you don't know what's round the corner 😀

Yeah, it's been good thank you, just relaxed abs read. Anthony Horowitz has got a new book out, so I've been getting my teeth stuck into that. 😍

I'm thinking about getting back on the apps next year. The last person who asked me out via OLD was a right bore, so I'm hoping I do a bit better this time 😂❤️

@ibelieveinmirrorballs That's just it isn't it - that wanting to progress things and move forward steadily, rather than lurching forward and then pulling back, leaving us in a constant state of bewilderment, wondering what we've doing wrong or why things have changed, of being on Cloud 9 because something nice has been said, then not having any contact for 24 hours in case we get the wrong idea 😑

@Daisysunset that's brilliant and you're very welcome. So glad you've joined 😊 there are some great groups on there.

I'm much the same. I only really feel up to attending my book club at the moment. I have health issues, so I feel much more confident being with people that know me when things are a bit tough. I'm planning to go to some of the other groups I've joined soon, though. ❤️

@GoldenMirror ditto! 😊

💓💓

GoldenMirror
ditto !

Ooof
ive moved from the sad phase of my break
up
into anger
yesterday I managed to find Balkan’s ex wife online
well , no wonder he’s bitter
she’s a glamorous and successful woman
not the crazy he painted

all pieces of the jigsaw puzzle are falling into place now

whilst it helped (I’ve now deleted everything )
im full of self hatred and loathing today

he’s so like my ex in many ways

please let this pass

@Thisisworsethananticpated that misrepresentation by Balkan is on him, not you. Why waste time feeling self-loathing because of someone else’s issues?

Do you perhaps feel bad because it feels like a pattern for you as he reminds you of your ex. But you have the rest of your life now to break that pattern and look after yourself and perhaps find someone decent.