Dating Thread 232 - Loving Ourselves First

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Daisysunset hey I agree, a few chats going on OLD is good fun, esp if they seem honest and sincere.

Agree with raising the bar, and putting boundaries in place. Mine are currently set v high regarding any kind of sexting ( getting crusty in my old age haha) and any sign of that I just say ' that doesn't work for me' and switch off.

If its coupled with being nuanced, witty, and the Iron has a dry sense of humour them he might be worthy of my time, otherwise , no , sorry.

Apart from a few OLD chats, seeing my FWB man this Friday when the dds are at school. Its been ages.. 😏 so think I might surprise him and turn up in a coat and no knickers! hopefully wont get stopped on the m4..

@SortingItOut @Mila14 @HowlongWillThisTakeNow

This has got me thinking, in all seriousness, what my 8 stage process would be.

1. Good flirty chat without demands for nudes or video chats
2. Reliable communicator
3. Agrees to coffee date. Provides any ID or full name request so that you can make sure they are who they say are and aren't married etc
4. Turns up / doesn't flake / otherwise try to change arrangements
5. Is clean, doesn't smoke, looks after themselves. Doesn't suggest a drink as soon as they sit down for coffee
6. Offers to pay for coffee, even if you're paying
7. Follow up message - them first
8. Continues decent level of conversation after coffee date
9. Longer or evening date, possibly with sex

10. Communicates after sex

Ok I've got to 10 pretty quickly ...!

BelladiMamma

nailed it !

Of course, 9.i is 'nice connection during sex'

I'm still amazed at how many people will meet a date without requesting any sort of ID.

11. Must be able to host or split cost of decent hotel
12. Financially solvent

Etc etc etc

I hold myself to all of these standards too!

Thank you @ibelieveinmirrorballs and @SortingItOut - think I will go weekly to begin with too. I'm looking at it as an investment in me, and my future.

And I agree @ibelieveinmirrorballs - I need to explain to Mr T what I want and what I expect. I feel like I've lost some of that rosy coloured glasses effect you have in the early stages, and whilst that is a little sad, it means I can be a little more detached about us.

So if he brings his tractor with him great, but if he doesn't then so be it - I don't feel I'll be quite as devastated as I could have been. Obviously that's the theory - if/when no farm machinery is brought to the table I'll probably be gutted...

Evening all. Had another meeting last night, lovely chilled few hours and we talked a lot. I told him about my doubts/paranoia re: the whole POF thing and he reassured me his profile was down and that I'm his only interest. I have to leave it there now. He is really trying, I can see that. Today my exh served divorce papers on me and made some very cruel, untrue allegations about me which were very hurtful. I messaged my (ex )iron and he messaged back in a very supportive way, rang and then went out of his way to call with me on his way to visit his dad in his care home. I'm definitely thinking this is worth the effort right now.

What a great update - sounds like the dream!

@Signoramarella At least if you did get stopped you could probably "talk" your way out of any points 😁

@LuckyLinda3 He really seems like he's putting in the effort, good that you felt you could call on him after that stunt your STBX pulled, and that he came through when it mattered.

And what an absolute dick move on the part of STBX 😡

LuckyLinda3

ah that’s sweet
sorry about the divorce papers though . Ugh

Signoramarella

you see ! That’s how you are supposed
to FWB

I think I would probably agree with most of these, not number 1 as flirty chat is so cringe

but with a slight twist, I definitely need women to step up more, so I would want the same from women ( ms H really showed me this)

As a younger man I was the classic male ‘chaser’, but as I got older I have realised my own value much more and I tend to care a bit less about what other ppl think of me.

Sex is far from my mind

I’ve been exhasuted since kids back , works been toxic and Long hours , and not been looking after myself

literally I ache
is this meno ?

@BelladiMamma Thanks for your thoughts on my 8 stage process.

What you've listed there is similar to my criteria list which is seperate to my 8 stage process😂

Some of my stages include the messaging after we've moved stages so not onerous (unless they cock up).

I know my worth even when its just FWB, I know exactly what I want and I'll keep searching until I find him (or a few😂)

I don't expect anything from a man that I am not, If I'm making an effort so should they be.

So if he brings his tractor with him great, but if he doesn't then so be it - I don't feel I'll be quite as devastated as I could have been. Obviously that's the theory - if/when no farm machinery is brought to the table I'll probably be gutted...

is this guy an actual Farmer, or are the references to farm machinery some kind of euphemism that that I have completely missed?

😁 😁 😁
No he isn't - it's all about finding someone who can meet your needs.

Someone upthread ( think it was @ibelieveinmirrorballs ??) said something along the lines of if you wanted a guy with a tractor then he needed to actually have a tractor before you got into anything with him. Because even if he came across as the best guy in the world, if he didn't have what you needed then it wasn't going to work.

Although I live in the sticks so it's not beyond the realms of possibility that someone would actually have a tractor but still be the biggest numpty around.

@Daisysunset and @Thisisworsethananticpated thanks ladies. Yes it was a shit move on exh part but not unexpected. Kids are upset about the stuff he said about me too but I've told them not to feel they have to take sides. Was sweet of Mr C is right, when I needed support he was there despite other commitments.

makes more sense, I’m rural as well, so plenty of tractors out here,
in fact I was in Scotland early this year on my bike and some guy did turn up to a pub in a Tractor….
Also does the machinery matter, suppose you wanted a seed drill and he pitched up with a harrow ?

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow I was going to say I'm not fussy, as long as he turns up with some kind of useful equipment, but that's where I've been going wrong all these years...

So you also regularly get travel headlines about sheep blocking the road as opposed to broken down vehicles 😁

It’s more crop than animal where I am, so a few weeks back it was all crop fires and combines everywhere, last week it stunk outside as they were manuring, now we had some rain all the roads are filthy as the tractors are going on & off the fields and leaving mud everywhere

My sympathies @Thisisworsethananticpated my work is also horrendously busy and my holiday but a distant memory….. I’ve come back to two 12 hour days and will be on a train into town at 6am - argh. The only loveliness at the end of it all is dinner and a hotel with MrN tomorrow after a very stressful event I’m presenting at tomorrow… 😫😫😫

(@HowlongWillThisTakeNow apparently it’s an old Ukrainian folk saying “don’t ask your neighbour if you can borrow his tractor if he doesn’t own a tractor” 🧐 and I was using it as a metaphor for your classic emotionally unavailable gentleman as in - if he can’t do emotions, don’t expect him to do emotions.)

Right. Bed.

Looks very reasonable! I would have exactly the same going forward.

So glad to have the tractor stuff clarified a I did start to wonder… I had forgotten that novel -great book!

This sometimes you think you want a tractor (in my case degree level qualification but actually the best man in the world (at the moment 😉) and my EXH (who was for a timeTBMITW) are the t funniest people I know and the former has GCSEs and the latter A levels